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WE HAVE A NEW WEBSITE AND OUR BLOG IS NOW ON OUR SITE! CHECK US OUT:)

http://ipgcounseling.com/blog

-Margie Nichols, Susan Menahem, Neil Selden and the Staff of IPG

WHAT SHIELDS LGBT YOUTH FROM SUICIDE from NorthwesternUniversity.

(The following is a press release from Northwestern University we thought important enough to post)

Love from family and friends offer most protection, while bullying causes highest risk
What protects lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) youths from considering suicide and, conversely, what makes them most vulnerable to it?

The question is of paramount concern because these youths are at least twice as likely to attempt suicide than heterosexual youths, prompting the national "It Gets Better Project" with encouraging video messages from such public figures as Lady Gaga and President Barack Obama.
Now the first longitudinal study to look at suicide ideation and self-harm in this population shows support from friends and family offers the most protection in preventing youths from thinking about suicide.

Adolescents who know they can talk to their parents about problems and know they have friends who care about them are less likely to consider ending their lives, according to new Northwestern Medicine research.

Adolescents most likely to consider killing themselves and engage in self-harm behaviors are those who feel victimized for being gay.

About 94 percent of LGBT youths have had at least one experience in which people said cruel things to them, spit on them, destroyed their property and threatened or assaulted them - all related to them being gay, according to prior Northwestern research.
Suicidal thoughts are a key predictor of a suicide attempt. Cutting behaviors also are a risk factor.

Previous studies of LGBT adolescents looked at their risk of making suicide attempts, not predictors that make them vulnerable to it or protect them from it.

"Our research shows how critical it is for these young people to have social support and for schools to have programs to reduce bullying," said Brian Mustanski, associate professor of medical social sciences at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine. "We believe this will help save young lives."

Mustanski is the lead author of the study, which is published in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine.

For the 2 1/2-year study, 246 Chicago-area sexual minority youths, ages 16 to 20 at enrollment, were interviewed at five time points, six months apart.

Most prior research on LGBT populations has been with adults, but Mustanski emphasized the importance of studying adolescents, since suicide is the third leading cause of death among all youth.

HOW TO OFFER SUPPORT

When a child comes out to parents, a good reaction is one of acceptance instead of judgment, noted Mustanski, who is a clinical psychologist.

"This lets teens know their parents are approachable for support and are unconditional in their love," he said.

An example of an accepting response is, "You are still the same child as you were before you told me, and I love you just the same."

Parents also should be aware that they play an important role in helping to prevent their child from being bullied and in promoting their child's mental and physical health.

As with all kids, it's important for parents of gay teens to monitor and teach them about safer sex to avoid HIV/AIDS, Mustanski said.

Mustanski directs Northwestern's IMPACT program (impactprogram.org), whose website is a source for youth, their families and policy makers to learn more about the health and development of LGBT youth.

The site's content for youth includes engaging videos and games on issues like coming out, having healthy relationships, and dealing with stress and bullying.

The IMPACT Program conducts health research and translates the findings into interventions to improve the health of sexual minority people.

PLAYING IN THE UNMIND OF ONENESS by Neil Selden 2/16/2012

I grow a poem,

not much dripping

yesterday’s kindness,

even less tomorrow’s crimes,

though all our memories are

interchangeable treasures,

and many indescribable futures

await my yesterday:

a sky at dawn in the heart of a plum,

the drawn bow of a snowing moon,

precious the palm of the hand

on which I have carved

affectionately all the names of God

who is in spite of anyway

EXERCISE: THE QUICK FIX FOR MOOD? by Margie Nichols 2/8/2012

     Most people are aware of the link between exercise and health – they know that exercise helps prevent heart disease and benefits the body in many ways.  But a new article in the ‘Monitor,’ a journal of the American Psychological Association, reviewing research on exercise and mood, concludes that exercise is as good a treatment for depression as antidepressants and better than drugs for preventing relapse.  In addition, people with anxiety disorders and those prone to panic attacks get ‘triggered’ less easily if they exercise regularly.  And  you can’t beat exercise for speed:  the uplift in depressed mood or relief from anxiety begins usually five minutes after exercising. 

     Another interesting thing about exercise is how little it takes to improve mood.  One study found substantial improvement in depression with the equivalent of only an hour and a half of moderate walking per week or a one-hour low impact aerobics class per week. And in that study, which compared this ‘low dose’ exercise to no exercise and ‘high dose’ exercise – six hours of moderate walking a week- some women actually did better on the low dose.

     The biggest mistake people make with exercise is they don’t use it when they really need it.  The best TIME to exercise is – when you are feeling bad.  NOT exercising when your mood is bad has been compared to taking aspirin anytime EXCEPT when you have a headache.  If you exercise when you are down, you really notice the lift afterwards – and it helps to reinforce the habit.

    So if exercise is such a good quick fix – and  a long term treatment - for mood problems, how come therapists don’t talk it up more to clients?  There are several reasons.  First,not all therapists exercise regularly themselves.  Second, there is a widespread belief, even among therapists, that for exercise to work you really have to exercise hard, long, and every day.  No one seems to realize that many people get a lift from depression or a release from anxiety with even small amounts of exercise.  I recommend people start small – five minutes is better than nothing.  And the research shows that super-strenuous exercise not only isn’t better --- if you exercise past the point where you can talk comfortably while you are moving – that will delay the mood improvement afterwards! 

    As to the ‘best’ form of exercise?  Well, the research is all on cardiovascular/aerobic exercise, so we don’t yet know about the benefits of strength training or yoga.  But what’s really clear is that the best exercise – is the exercise you will do.  Find something you enjoy, and if you enjoy nothing, find something you can tolerate and find ways to make it better.  Listen to audiobooks while you walk on a treadmill, watch TV or your Ipad while you row, do classes with friends or train with a buddy – whatever makes exercise something you look forward to – that’s the right exercise for you.  You’ll feel better right away – even faster than a

POEMS by Neil Selden 1/11/2012

On Dharma Skis

Last night's dreams forgotten,

Standing on the mountain

of my morning meditation,

every day, I launch myself

skillfully over the snows of loving

One robin, one tree,

One rose bush, one starling,

One bee—which me

Is me?

"I'm One," said one Universe,

to another,

"What are you?"

The other Universe replied:

“I’m One, too."

SURVIVING THE HOLIDAYS by Margie Nichols 11/22/11

     For many people, ‘The Holidays’ –roughly the period starting with Thanksgiving, going through the first days of the New Year- are everything our idealized vision of them contains: warmth, love, security, happiness, the joy of being around family, friends, loved ones.


     But for many people – sometimes I think the majority of us – ‘The Holidays’ is a bittersweet time delivering as much pain as joy. Some of us are in difficult straits in our lives. We may be alone, stressed, in economic, health, or relationship crisis. This time of year may feel like nothing more than another stress. For some, these months conjure up memories of difficult childhoods, while others are overwhelmed with grief for those they have lost.

     If you count yourself as one of the above, here’s a brief survival guide to make your holidays as bright as possible:

1) Make as few commitments as possible; balance your responsibilities to others with your responsibility to yourself. Take it slow, if you can. Leave room to opt out of some of the seasonal merry-go-round. You don’t need to go to every event you’ve been invited to.

2) On the other hand – if you are TOO much alone – make sure to schedule some time to be with other people. Even if you are stuck in a strange city by yourself on a holiday, you can volunteer at a soup kitchen and share in the camaderie of giving.  Go to church, temple, a twelve-step meeting, wherever people meet to share fellowship.  You don't have to believe in God- but believe in the spirit of human connection and the power of community, even if yours feels lacking at the moment.

3) Be gentle with yourself, and allow yourself to avoid some situations you know will be ‘triggers’ for negative feelings.

4) But at the same time, acknowledge that you may ‘break down’ at some point, and if you need to – cry, huddle up in a ball, beat a pillow in rage, or just totally withdraw. It can be a burden to pretend you feel happy when you are really blue.  Sometimes you just need to let it all hang out.

5) There are two things that science has shown us work as well as antidepressants at beating the ‘winter blues,’ or any blues for that matter: bright light therapy (google it) and aerobic exercise. If you can’t buy a ‘bright light’ for a couple of hundred bucks, get outside in the light/sunshine as much as possible. And walking makes a great aerobic activity, so you can kill two birds with one stone.

6) Practice gratitude. Even an activity as simple as writing down 5 things a week that you feel grateful for has been shown to make people happier, more peaceful – and even to sleep better.

7 Give it away. We can all  give SOMETHING to others, even if all we do is smile at our bus driver and wish her a good day. Especially if you live in the NYC Metro area, simple human kindnesses can be met with startled appreciation and joy. And it’s hard to look at someone you have just made happy and not feel a little better yourself.

And finally, remember – this too shall pass. In a few short weeks, you’ll be in a fresh new year, with the days growing imperceptibly longer and lighter, and you will have survived ‘The Holidays’ again.

THE 'OTHER' KINDS OF MEDITATION by Margie Nichols 11.5.11

       These days everything in the mental health world is about 'mindfulness meditation.'  This is a wonderful leap forward, to be applauded, an amazing practice that has tremendous healing power.
      But in this new world of meditation consciousness, there seems to be a hierarchy of techniques.  "Mindfulness meditation", usually of the sit in the lotus position and follow your breath variety, is the presumed King of meditation.  And I use the word "King" deliberately, because it seems to me not only that male teachers/practicioners promote it more than women, but also because there is a lean, spare, no-nonsense feel to this kind of meditation, also called "Vipassana Meditation." There's nothing mushy or emotional about it. 
     Interestingly, female practicioners/teachers like Pema Chodron, Tara Brach, and Sharon Salzburg seem to be guiding people to other kinds of practice.  Often these are practices that actively cultivate compassion, self-love, forgiveness, and the transformation of painful experiences into transformative.  Not nearly as lean or spare as straight-up 'mindfulness meditation,' these techniques - Loving Kindness, Tonglen, Radical Acceptance - have different and equally important benefits.
     There are many reasons for us to promote alternatives to following-the-breath meditations. First, this technique is fairly difficult for many people - I'd be curious about compliance studies, how many people attempt it for a while and give up.  Many people resonate to more physical meditations - Tai Chi, yoga, for example- who could not possibly sit still for meditation sessions.  And in my informal observation, far more people are able to follow a guided audio meditation than can follow their breath.
   And then there is the fact that different meditations can serve different purposes.  Most or all induce the relaxation response.  Most help sharpen attention and create an 'observing self' that is somewhat detached from the chattering of the mind.  Beyond that, there are different benefits, from strengthening the body and relaxing muscles to inducing states of feeling 'oneness' with the world.
   There is a class of meditation, what could be called "heart" meditations, that is VERY relevant to psychotherapy because it addresses the most pervasive problems we all have as humans and that we bring to all our emotional issues:  self-hatred, lack of self-esteem, judgments of ourselves and others, shame.   Whether you are in therapy or not, you can get benefit from the meditation teachers whose works are displayed below.  I've put up the audio guided meditation versions, but most are available as books as well.   

WE'RE COMING BACK. HERE'S WHAT WE'VE BEEN BUSY WITH 10/5/2011

    The Institute for Personal Growth, the premier outpatient mental health organization with three offices in New Jersey and New York City, has launched a Postgraduate Sex Therapy Training Program. The Program, based in Highland Park, NJ, currently has fourteen residents, seasoned psychologists and social workers who are participating in intensive training to become certified sex therapists.


   Dr. Margaret Nichols, founder, President and Executive Director of IPG, is an American Board of Sexology Diplomate and Certified Sex Therapist of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT). IPG is an official training facility for AASECT, and Dr. Nichols runs the new AASECT-sanctioned program with the help of the four other AASECT Certified Sex Therapists on the IPG staff.

    As the ‘Age of Viagra’ makes it more acceptable for the average person to acknowledge and seek help for sexual problems and dysfunctions, sex therapy is becoming an increasingly important specialization. In fact, IPG has not been able to keep up with demand. AASECT, the international certifying organization for sex therapists, lists only thirty sex therapists for the entire state, and five are at IPG. The Postgraduate Sex Therapy Training Program increases the number of IPG’s sex therapy specialists to nineteen, covering all three New Jersey offices as well as the newly-launched New York City satellite office. For the first time, IPG will be able to offer expert sex therapy to the large number of people seeking help, and even be able to make some fee adjustments for people with limited resources.

   Many people expect all psychotherapists and counselors to be able to treat sexual dysfunction and difficulties. But in fact, few graduate schools incorporate course work on human sexuality and the specialized techniques developed by sex therapists since the pioneering work of Masters and Johnson in the 1960’s. A relatively young discipline, sex therapy has evolved to incorporate the breakthroughs in medical knowledge of sexuality and pharma/medical interventions. The contemporary sex therapist can draw upon a vast body of information about sexuality that is unknown or poorly understood by the non-sex therapist. Consumers who rely on untrained practicioners are often given misinformation or simply find their sexual concerns ignored.

    Says Program Director Margaret Nichols: ”Sex therapy is very different from other counseling. For one thing, the treatment for most sexual dysfunction is very behavioral – less talk, more ‘homework’ exercises. There’s also a big educational component – many people don’t realize, for example, how the medications they take may interfere with sex, or that male and female sexuality is fundamentally different. And many sexual problems have a medical component, and sex therapists know how to detect this and refer to appropriate specialists. It’s not unusual to see a sexual dysfunction that requires information-giving, behavioral interventions, treatment by a medical doctor, and even at times physical therapy.”

    Certification in sex therapy is done through the American Association for Sexuality Education, Counseling, and Therapy (AASECT). The certification is rigorous, requiring, in addition to a graduate degree and licensure and experience in general psychotherapy, a specialized course of study and practice that includes 90 hours of sexuality education, 60 hours of specialized sex therapy coursework, at least 250 hours of casework, and 50 or more hours of supervision by a sex therapist who is AASECT certified for at least three years.

“There’s really a need in New Jersey and even in Manhattan for trained, certified sex therapists.” says Nichols. While Manhattan is better served than New Jersey – there are a couple of dozen in the boro- many have closed their practices dues to overwhelming demand. “That’s why we have opened a satellite in the Chelsea/Union Square area, staffed by two certified sex therapists and two residents.” In New Jersey the shortage of trained sex therapists is so severe that the IPG training program will increase the state-wide total by fifty percent and make IPG by far the largest sex therapy provider in the state.
 
  "Another advantage of our training our own therapists in sex therapy is that we have always provided service to the L/G/B/T, BDSM, and polyamory communities.  Now we'll be able to provide sex therapy to these populations as well."  Dr. Nichols has written extensively on sex therapy with sexual minorities, including the chapter on this subject in the primary sex therapy textbook, "Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy."

In Memory of Jesse Part II: The Dead Kid List by Margie Nichols 6.4.2011

(Dr. Nichols will resume “Kinsters’ Sex Advice” shortly)


   Displayed at eye level on my freezer door is a magnet my son gave me that says “Gardening, yoga, bubble baths, medication…..and I still want to smack somebody!”

    In my last post I described a little of how therapy, meditation, etc etc helped me survive the death of my daughter Jesse. Therapy, with Bruce Wood, a therapist’s therapist if there ever was one, actually reaffirmed my own belief in the importance of what I do for a living. This was an unintended positive consequence, not only of therapy, but also of Jesse’s death. As Ram Dass would say, you would never wish it to happen this way, but…..here it is. Grist for the mill.

    Anyway, I realized after posting that I had left a couple of things out of the list of healing activities. One is dark humor. Like the magnet. Or jokes about playing the ‘dead kid card’ to get – or get out of- things. I learned the value of laughing in the face of death in the ‘80’s, during the years I ran a group for guys with AIDS. No cryin’ in that group, for the most part – just a lot of information exchange about treatments, studies, doctors – and grim, wickedly dark humor.

  Another is devouring any story that involves a dead kid. That’s why I watched “Rabbit Hole” this year. Twice.

   Now some of you probably think this is crazy. You’re right! Now you know why shrinks become shrinks. We process pain by vicariously reliving it over and over again. A supervisor once said, “Shrinks are the only people who need forty hours of therapy a week.”

    At any rate, now that you know my weird secret, please help me. I recently put a file on my desktop called “dead kid list.” I want to keep a record of movies, books, plays, memoirs or biographies, poetry, that concern dead kids. And my list is pitifully small right now, I know I’ve forgotten a lot of what I’ve already read or seen, not to mention lots of stories I don’t yet know. For the most part, these are stories that involve the grief AFTER a kid croaks, not ones in which a kid dies at the end.

Here it is:

MOVIES
• Rabbit hole
• Accidental tourist
• Human stain
* Ordinary people
• Welcome to the reillys
• Mystic river

BOOKS
• Accidental tourist
• Human stain
• Little bee
• Mystic river
• Death be not proud
*Shadow child

PLAYS
• Rabbit Hole

Please add to it in the comments below-

In Memory of Jesse Nichols Jacobson, 6.6.1994-6.2.2004 by Margie Nichols June 3, 2011

(Dr. Nichols will resume her series on kinksters’ sex advice in her next post)

    I watched the amazing movie “Rabbit Hole” for the second time last night and was once again struck by how catastrophic grief changes (or doesn’t) over time. And yesterday I read, for the first time in years, the opening pages of  blog I kept on Livejournal.com called 'My Child's Death.'   I started that blog just 18 days after  my beloved daughter, Jesse, died, and the raw pain jumped out at me yesterday, causing me to reflect on the morphing of my own grief.

Like many people, I remember meaningful quotes – lines from literature, poetry, song lyrics- words that capture my mood or a particular frame of mind. My car is covered in bumper stickers, and you can trace my bereavement journey with the little notes and papers stuck to my refrigerator.  In my first few blog pages I found “And the worst part is knowing I’ll survive”( Emmylou Harris) and “Life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone”(John Mellencamp). Posted on my refrigerator from those early days (moved from the front to a side corner, but still there): the mournful “Love knows not its own depths until the hour of separation” (Kahlil Gibran) and the Langston Hughes poem that begins “I loved my friend/ She went away from me/There’s nothing more to say….”

   And of course the darkest of my dark quotes remains, lodged with a magnet in the early days of grief,  words penned by Ernest Hemingway: “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.”

    Thankfully, that degree of nihilistic suffering faded to a manageable level after a couple of years. When it still hits, it strikes like a two by four against the skull, but that doesn’t happen often. At some point light broke through my darkness: the quote that occupied front and center on my frig for a while was “We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.” (Kenji Miyazawa). "Love is not too high a price to pay for pain" (anon) mixed some positive with the pain.  Over the years, with the help of my family and friends, especially my children, my therapist, meditation and yoga teachers, and the blessing of my work, I have constructed a new life. It still feels to me like my life as I knew it ended June 2, 2004. But my life now is rich and meaningful, and even frequently light and joyful, something I never expected in the first few years.

   My grief is quieter now, softened. My favorite quote, and it has been for some time is “You are the one still in my every breath” (Paul Valery). Since ‘following the breath’ has been one of my mindfulness practices for decades, they are particularly apt and comforting words.

   But the best description of what has happened to me  is summed up by Diane Weist, telling her daughter that over time, something about grief changes:

The weight of it, I guess. At some point it becomes bearable. It turns into something you can crawl out from under, and carry around - like a brick in your pocket. And you forget it every once in a while, but then you reach in for whatever reason and there it is: "Oh right. That." Which can be awful. But not all the time. Sometimes it's kinda... Not that you like it exactly, but it's what you have instead of your son, so you don't wanna let go of it either. So you carry it around. And it doesn't go away, which is...

Fine, actually…..

   Jesse, dearest, you are the air that I breathe, the earth I walk on.  And the pain of losing you is a burden I will gladly carry forever.