Sex Smart: Keeping You Informed About Sexuality and Sexual Problems

SEX TIPS FOR VANILLA COUPLES FROM THE LEATHER WORLD, PART ONE by Margie Nichols 4.25.2011

I hate these kinds of articles- my eyes glaze over when I see them– and so this is the first time I’ve written one. But I think my advice might be slightly different from what you've have heard before.

For nearly thirty years, my two main professional specialties have been sex therapy and working with sexual minorities. So I have an unusual breadth of experience knowing about people’s sex lives – all kinds of people, all kinds of sex lives.

For a long time, I’ve believed that the two types of couples who sustain the hottest sex lives over the long haul are couples with open relationships,and kinky couples. Both types of couples fight the buzz- kill of familiarity with novelty, but in different ways. (If you read Sex at Dawn, which I reviewed in my last blog piece, you’ll see why this is THE eternal problem and paradox of monogamy). But BDSM couples – many of whom are monogamous- seem to effectively combat SCS- Sexless Cuddling Syndrome- which seems to afflict a large proportion of vanilla couples. BDSM couples cuddle AND have hot sex.


Let’s face it, the modern egalitarian couple shares interests, responsibilities, and fine-tunes their interactions to achieve a comfortable, affectionate, predictable, safe relationship. The problem is, comfortable and hot often inhabit different universes. We need our relationships to be safe – that’s kind of part of the point of having them. And most of us will think any of the various forms of nonmonogamy too damn scary to seriously consider.

So what’s the alternative? How do you get unfamiliar with the one person you are having sex with for years and years? Unless you’re part of the small percentage of people that can find doing the same sexual acts over and over again just as hot the 2,000th time as the first, you need to introduce novelty into the way you DO sex. Certainly, BDSM doesn’t lack for novelty. But novelty is not enough. YOU HAVE TO THINK DIFFERENTLY ABOUT SEX. YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP SOME CHERISHED ROMANTIC IDEAS. And then you have to behave differently.

A good place to start is with “Savage Love” web columnist Dan Savage. His ‘code’ for how to be a good sexual partner in a relationship is: GGG- good, as in good with your sexual technique; giving, as in, you make sure your partner gets as much pleasure as you; and game, as in ‘I’m game to try almost anything you desire.’ If you think about it, two out of three elements of this simple and reasonable dictum are contrary to the romanticized notions of sex most of unconsciously hold: we believe that technique isn’t supposed to matter, or it’s supposed to come ‘naturally;’ and we believe that some(many) sexual desires are ‘weird’ or ‘abnormal,’ and we certainly don’t feel obligated to try things that make us even slightly uncomfortable.

So, the first lessons learned from the BDSM world are about letting go of sentimental, wrong-headed ideas about what sex is ‘supposed to’ be, and seeing sex for what it is. In other words, they’re about learning to be objective and rational about sex.


LESSON ONE: DECOUPLE SEX AND LOVE.

In the BDSM world,a person can have a hot public sexual encounter with a virtually anonymous partner and then go home and have hot-in-a-different-way sex with her life partner. That’s because kinksters know that sex can be both the most impersonal and the most intimate of acts, sometimes during the same sexual encounter. BDSM people don’t confuse the dancer with the dance. Intimacy is not inherent in particular behaviors or desires, it’s all in the context. The same sexual behaviors can be hot but impersonal in a casual encounter, and incredibly meaningful and intimate with your soulmate. Think of sex and love as overlapping circles – PARTIALLY overlapping circles.

Conflating sex and love leads to many problems, but in monogamous couples it often makes us personalize our partner’s sexual desires or behaviors. For example, the wife of a man with erectile dysfunction inevitably concludes that she’s not attractive to him. Harmless personal habits or interests are assigned psychological meaning and are seen as indicators of love or even fidelity. She keeps her eyes closed when she has sex? So what? It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, it just helps heighten the experience for her. You’re bent out of shape because he likes Internet porn? Get over it. It doesn’t mean you’re not ‘enough’ for him (whatever that means) – it means he likes to masturbate sometimes, too, and this gets him off. You think it’s awful that she’s attracted to other people? Get real. It’s hard-wired into the human animal brain.

BDSM people have learned not to be threatened by their partners desires, fantasies, and many – but not all- of their behaviors. Many have overcome jealousy. You may never want to ‘open’ your relationship up to other partners, but at least allow the most open expression possible of you and your partner’s fantasies and preferences. Be happy that your partner is a sexual animal with a wide-ranging imagination. If you get over being threatened you can work this to your benefit!

Kinky folk learned long ago to let go of all judgments about adult consensual sexual behaviors. When a fetishist expresses distaste, he or she might use the word ‘squicked’ – ‘That squicks me’ – instead of ‘That disgusts me’ or ‘That’s bad.’ BDSMers hesitate to label sex as ‘good/normal/healthy sex’ or ‘bad/deviant/unhealthy sex.’ The belief is,there’s nothing unnatural or bad about what I want …or what anyone else wants…..it’s all about compatability and fit with a partner. BDSM people have learned to not denigrate anyone’s sexual desires or habits, but instead to see them as preferences, like food preferences. You may dislike Thai food but you (hopefully) don’t see people who like it as weird. When trying to have a hot sex life, it is most helpful to let go of judgments. Your sexual possibilities expand and you open to your partner more when you look at sexual desires and behaviors more neutrally.



NEXT: WHAT THE KINK WORLD CAN TEACH US ABOUT SEXUAL COMMUNICATION

SEX TIPS FROM THE LEATHER WORLD, PART 2 by Margie Nichols 5/5/2011

 

First, let me say a little more about decoupling sex and love. Because, imho, the source of many of our sexual difficulties is our sloppy sentimentality about sex and love. The reason we personalize our partner’s sexual behavior so much is that we are viewing sexuality through lenses distorted by false assumptions. Read the following assertions:

If he/she loves me, he/she will

• know how to please me sexually without my saying or showing

• always be turned on to me when I’m turned on to them

• know instinctively when I DON’T want sex and not ask

• be able to keep my level of sexual desire high no matter how long we’ve been together

• be able to make sex hot under any conditions

• never be attracted to anyone else

• never masturbate, view porn, or engage in sexuality, even solo, that does not include me

• never fantasize about anything or anyone else, especially during sex with me

• always gaze into my eyes during sex

• never ask for any sexual activity that makes me anxious

• always like any sexual activity I want

• be easy for me to turn on and give pleasure to

• make me come; come at the same time as me

• be a skilled lover ‘naturally’

All of these beliefs are not only false, but destructive.Some of you reading may still hold some of these ideas; most of us held them at one time in our lives. Those of us with happy sex lives probably overcame most of these false assumptions.

People in the kink community are realists about sex . Leather folk , who spend way more time on the their sex lives than most of us, view sex in an more objective, dispassionate way. They know that sex is a tool that has many uses and serves many masters. Its meaning is determined entirely by context. If a kinky person discovers that her partner is fantasizing about someone else, because she views sex realistically she does not personalize it, doesn’t feel hurt or threatened. She knows that we are all sexual animals, and committed love doesn’t change that. The BDSM partner may even find a way to incorporate her mate’s sexual fantasies into their sex together.

Okay, so once you’ve developed more objectivity, how do you translate that into hotter sex?

LESSON TWO :COMMUNICATE.

Of the fallacies listed above, one of the most destructive is the belief that the partner should know their sexual likes and dislikes automatically, without being told, taught, or shown - because ‘she’s supposed toknow me.’ Some people go so far as to see a partner’s inability to please them sexually as an indicator of betrayal – ‘after all this time, she should know I hate…….she doesn’t love me/is trying to hurt me’

I find this very curious. After all, most of us don’t expect our partners to be able to pick out clothing we’d like without us telling or showing them (NOTE: IF YOU DO EXPECT THIS, STOP READING NOW AND GO BUY “CODEPENDENT NO MORE”). We – hopefully – don’t think they should know what kind of restaurant we want to go to tonight or what we want to order when we get there. Why is sex different?

The truth is that most of us are embarrassed to talk about sex, much less show or tell a partner exactly what we want. We want sex to magically ‘happen’ without us having to ask for ANYTHING. I’ve actually had people tell me if they have to ask it’s not worth it.

That kind of attitude and behavior is alien to those in the BDSM culture. When two kinky people are contemplating having a ‘scene,’ or a sexual encounter, they often sit down ahead of time and engage in a dialogue to discuss the specifics of what each wants and negotiate a scenario that they will both enjoy.

The fact is, no two people are alike sexually(even if they are the same gender), and no one knows what you like unless you tell them. Moreover, you have to be really specific, because generalities can be too easily misinterpreted. You can’t tell your partner, “I’d like more foreplay” and expect that to be enough. You can say, “I’d like you to kiss me softly – like all over my face, ears, neck – then take off my clothes slowly, like for example, maybe slowly unbutton my blouse and play with my nipples through the bra—then only after that touch my pussy.” It’s even better if you demonstrate while you talk, perhaps guiding your mate’s hands, mouth, etc. to create the experience you desire. Or, you can watch sex DVD’s together and use that to communicate your sexuality. Instead of viewing sexual communication as embarrassing or awkward, it can itself become a kind of foreplay.

In the BDSM world, preferences are communicated in exquisite detail. Sometimes people even fill out forms for their partners, forms that list more sexual activities than most of us can imagine. (NOTE: MOST OF THE S/M MANUALS HAVE COPIES OF THESE FORMS, AND YOU CAN FIND THEM ONLINE). Many of these forms ask for the writer to indicate whether an activity is preferred, tolerated, out of bounds, or – maybe. I find this a great attitude- one I encourage. It’s Dan Savage’s third “G” – being game to try things outside your comfort zone.

Why should you step outside the bounds of the familiar? Because, whether you realize it or not, part of what made sex exciting in the beginning of your relationship was the UNfamiliar- the newness of your partner’s body, the sense of the unexpected, the slight tinge of insecurity/anxiety present when two people are still getting used to each other. BDSM people, who might be described as sexual adventurers, the hang-gliders of the erotic world, know this. They understand that fear, anxiety, and transgressiveness can drive us to heights of intense pleasure. They sense this paradox of human nature, our attraction to situations of ‘controlled danger’ – roller coasters, horror movies, and ‘forbidden’ sex acts. And they use creativity and ingenuity to play with these darker emotions in their intimate encounters.

Friday, April 8, 2011

NATURAL AND UNNATURAL SEX: SEX AT DAWN, by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha. Review by Margie Nichols, 4.8.2011

What is ‘natural’ in human sexuality? It’s not a trivial question: what is ‘natural’ is assumed to be normal, and by tenuous extension, what is ‘unnatural’ is inferior, deviant – ab-normal. We take it for granted that the ‘purpose’ of human sex is reproduction, which privileges heterosexual penile-vaginal intercourse as the most ‘natural,’ ‘preferred’ form of sexual behavior. And we assume that humans have always lived in pair-bonded nuclear families (remember the cartoons of male cavemen clubbing women?), an assumption that implies that monogamy is ‘normal,’ while multi-partnered sex is deviant, or at least evolutionarily irrelevant. Our judgments about sex, and we have many of them, have been shaped by the Bible, for the religious, or Charles Darwin, if we look to science for enlightenment.

Increasingly, evolutionary biologists, anthropologists, and others interested in sexuality historically and cross-culturally are challenging Darwin’s beliefs about sexuality (Soon I'll post a blog on "Best Books About Sex In My Professional Lifetime"). Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality adds to the literature of this vibrant and interesting multidisciplinary group of dissenters. Christopher Ryan is a research psychologist and his coauthor (and wife) Cacilde Jetha a psychiatrist. Together they have written a book which the critic and sex advice columnist Dan Savage has called “ the single most important book about human sexuality since Alfred Kinsey unleashed Sexual Behavior of the Human Male on the American public in 1948.”

That might be slightly hyperbolic, but the fact is this is a great book. Ryan and Jetha make a convincing scientific case that

1) our closest primate relatives are the bonobos and chimps, who are ‘promiscuous’ and have sex in every way possible with every partner possible for a multitude of reasons, few of which have to do with reproduction;

2) our prehistoric forbears had a sexuality like bonobos and chimps and raised children in matrilineal groupings where paternity was not important and children were raised communally, as the children of the tribe.

In other words, what is ‘natural’ to us is to have sex in many ways with many people for many reasons. What is NOT natural is for everyone to be heterosexual and monogamous. That’s quite a revolutionary concept.

How and why did things change? Ryan and Cacilde place blame on the agricultural revolution, which they quote Jared Diamond as calling a ‘catastrophe from which we have never recovered.’ Agricultural societies became patrilineal and patriarchal, and monogamy was instituted as a way of insuring paternity. And contemporary sexologists, the authors assert, have simply assumed that monogamy, pair-bonding, and the nuclear family ‘always’ existed and that they exist because it is somehow “in” human nature to do this.

Ryan and Cacilde level their big guns at monogamy, which certainly deserves increasing scrutiny as a viable lifestyle for our species, especially since it is so frequently defended and so infrequently practiced.

But my interest in Sex at Dawn goes far beyond the issue of monogamy. Ryan and Caciilde’s arguments strike another blow at Darwin’s theory of sexual selection. And I increasingly believe Darwin’s beliefs form the bedrock of the dominant paradigm of sexuality. Darwin believed that evolutionary fitness developed at the level of the individual organism – the fittest male mates with the fittest female and the offspring survive at a disproportionatly high rate because of all those super genes. But scientific tests of this hypothesis have failed to confirm it, indicating that for many species, probably including our own, evolution advances at a group level, not via individuals and their monogamous mates.

The prevailing sexual paradigm is based on the idea that the primary, if not sole, function of sex MUST be reproduction, which certainly might be true if Darwin had been right about how ‘fittest’ genes are passed down. And if the function of sex is reproduction, then sexual acts, lifestyles, and choices that do not support reproduction via a nuclear family are less ‘fit,’ i.e., they are ‘inferior.’ It’s a short step from ‘inferior’ to ‘abnormal.’

But the thesis of the ‘new breed’ of sexual thinkers, including the authors of Sex at Dawn, is that sex is multi-functional. And if sex serves diverse functions, then having a diversity of sexual behaviors and relationship forms would be advantageous. If we believe the fundamental premise of this book, then instead of pathologizing non-statistically normative sexuality, we would see variations as a fundamental, necessary part of the sexuality of our species. The foundation for demonizing all sexual minorities and those with atypical sexual and relationship lifestyles would be shattered.

If we believe the authors of Sex at Dawn – and others in their camp - Mother Nature really DOES ‘celebrate diversity’ – in sexuality as in everything else – because the survival of the species depends upon it.

THE FLAP ABOUT FLIBANSERIN 5/20/10 by Margie Nichols, Ph.D.

    It seems a bit anti-climatic now, since the FDA Advisory Panel decided yesterday to advise against the approval of what was touted as the 'female Viagra.' The fact that they turned down approval because they found no convincing evidence that it worked better than placebo didn't surprise anyone who studies female sexuality. We know that female desire is a lot more complicated than the 'plumbing problems' involved in male erectile dysfunction. But for a while, when it looked like the drug might actually work, the debates got pretty intense.

   On one side, there were feminists warning against the medicationalization of female sexuality and the consequent pressure on women to live up to a male standard. On the other, medical people were trying to prove there really is a ‘disease’ called Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder in women, and that this drug is a cure for it.

     I find myself in agreement with both sides. Yes, there are grave sociocultural implications to the classifying of a women as ‘diseased’ when for the most part what we are really describing is age taking its inevitable toll on body and mind. And these dangers are at least in part connected with the traditional sexual oppression of women – there are women who will feel pressured by the disease label -and by their male partners - to TAKE a pill when they might not be unhappy with the lowering of desire that often accompanies menopause and perimenopause. There are plenty of women, we don’t know how many, who don’t care or are even relieved when sex becomes less important to them.

    On the other hand, there really are many women in genuine distress about their low or sharply decreased sexual desire, who would give anything to have a lusty desire. For these women, a medication that helped would be a blessing.

    But I think we could reconcile these positions by taking a different stance about drug use, and by admitting that people, more and more, will want medications for 'enhancement' purposes, much like surgery for cosmetic purposes. This has already happened with Viagra and this new drug, if it were deemed effective, has the same potential. If it is shown in future research to work, I'd expect to see Flibanserin as a party drug within a year of approval.

    If we could even discuss the merits of medications/"good drugs" used for enhancement, we might be able to give up the pretense that, for example, the desire to increase sexual desire has to be a 'disease.' There is a thin line between 'distress' and 'i really really really want this to be different', and there is a very subjective aspect to many of these 'disorders.' Unfortunately, i doubt this conversation can take place in the Prohibitionist mentality of the United States. Not only are Americans suspicious of anything that makes you feel TOO good (hence the term “guilty pleasure”) - if we label something an illness we can get health insurance to pay for it. And if health insurance pays for it, people will buy more. So there is very big money involved in labeling 'Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder' in women a disease.

    It's too bad we are so uptight as a culture about drug use, because if we could have real conversations about how real people use chemicals to enhance mood, appearance, and performance, this practice could be brought into the light of day instead of in the illegal shadows.

    Acknowledging the potential usefulness of chemicals for enhancement purposes would bring a host of new issues with it. But it would at least avoid some of the problems inherent in a system where you can’t just invent a drug that would increase female sexual desire, you have to create a disease and a whole category of ‘ill’ people who need ‘treatment’ first. When a phenomenon is pathologized, people feel pressure to 'fix it,' and it becomes impossible to distinguish 'distress' from 'I should want to have sex because I'm told it's a disease not to want sex." If a pharmaceutical is developed that DOES increase female sexual desire - why can't we just admit that some women will want it, some women won't - and neither group is 'ill.'





BOOK REVIEW: WOMEN'S ANATOMY OF AROUSAL: SECRET MAPS TO BURIED PLEASURE 4/28/10


Women's Anatomy of Arousal: Secret Maps to Buried Pleasure
by Sheri Winston, Mango Garden Press, 2010

Reviewed by Liz Lipman-Stern, L.C.S.W., Certified Sex Therapist, IPG Staff Therapist


You might think the discovery of the “G-Spot” and female ejaculation gave the world the most comprehensive information possible about female sexual anatomy. If so, you’d be wrong. Sheri Winston’s book recently won the 2010 Book of the Year award from the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT), the organization through which those of us at IPG who are certified Sex Therapists got our certification. And it richly deserves this honor.

Winston’s bookt delivers important and generally unavailable (and unknown) information about female genital anatomy in a style that is entertaining and accessible to lay readers, thereby helping to pull back the curtain of cultural ignorance about female anatomy while also enabling women and their partners to enjoy more connected and orgasmic sex. In addition, in a society that tends to separate birth and sex, it makes the crucially important -and, again, often unknown- point that women have a single, elegant, integrated system for sexual pleasure and reproduction. The uterus, for example, often thought of as an organ ‘dedicated’ to gestation, also contributes to sensual/sexual sensations. Women’s Anatomy of Arousal is an empowering book: it supports sex-positive attitudes and behavior in a context of deep personal responsibility

Winston’s book is not only full of information, it also has original, high-quality anatomical illustrations done by the author. The graphics contribute significantly to our visual understanding of female sexual anatomy. The design is beautiful and the concept is original. It is lavishly illustrated, with examples of erotic art from different cultures as well as anatomical renderings. It is one part self-help book, one part science/anatomy book, and one part erotic art book -- and the pieces fit together seamlessly. Highly recommended!

4/28/10
Talkin Teen Sex Blues by Margie Nichols

The Guttmacher Institute tells us that 13% of teens have had sexual intercourse by age 15, and that by age 18 nearly 60% have. At my sex therapy and research conference two weeks ago Surgeon General Dr. Jocelyn Elders told us that after a number of years of decline, teen pregnancy is beginning to rise again. And every media venue possible assaults us with news of changes in adolescent sexual mores, from 'hooking up' to'sexting,' 'friends with benefits' to 'oral sex is the new third base.'

Depending on your perspective, these facts are interesting, alarming, signs of decadence or signs of the failure of 'abstinence only' sex ed.

But if you are the mother of teenage girls, you have a VERY different take on things. You know deep inside you that your job is to get your girls to postpone sex for as long as possible, preferably age 30, you know that is impossible, you worry constantly. Until recently, my only experience with adolescence was raising my now 26 yr old son. Then, four and a half years ago I adopted a pair of sisters from a Guatemalan orphanage. They are now 15 and 12, and even the twelve year old is definitely pubescent.

Being my son's mom did very little to prepare me for this. For one thing, although I worried about lots with my wild-child son, I never worried about rape. I didn't worry about him having his heart broken by someone who used him for sex, and I wasn't concerned that he suffer the shame of being labeled 'slut.' Fretting about your son getting a girl pregnant wasn't even on the same order of magnitude as waking up in the middle of the night thinking about a pregnant daughter. Oh, and btw - 'oral sex among teens' is a euphemism - we're really talking about adolescent girls giving blow jobs.

But it's not all bad. Cory and I had basically monosyllabic communication from when he was about 12 until he went to college. My girls talk - and ask questions - about everything. These are some of their recent dinner-table comments and questions:

"My friend wants to know if you can get pregnant by having sex with your clothes on."

"The girls in my class aren't having sex. They're just giving hand jobs and going down on boys."

"Is it true that when you have sex for the first time you bleed?"

"Is sex painful?"

When sex talk starts, I take a deep breath, remind myself to be thankful that they feel trusting enough to say things to me and ask questions.   I've spent my life championing sex positivity, and especially the idea of girls and women being empowered about sex and focusing on their own needs - including the need for pleasure.

But I am painfully aware of how far we have to go, of how vulnerable adolescent girls are, how risky sex is for them.  And I wonder how long we'll have to wait to be fully empowered.

April 23, 2010

SEX AND LIES: The Truth About Sexual Fantasies by Margie Nichols

Two weeks ago I was at a sex research and therapy conference where multiple speakers extolled the virtues of sexual fantasy - not just for masturbation, but during sex with a partner, shared or not shared with partner.

Yesterday in my therapy office I heard yet another distressed woman 'confess' that she always fantasized just before orgasm with a partner to get herself over that last little 'hump.' She felt terribly guilty that she was not 'connected' to her spouse during sex, whom she loves dearly.

Someday people are going to look back at the way most people view sexual fantasies now and regard it at about the same level as the belief that masturbation grows hair on your hands.

That day is not today.

The two most common issues I hear are: guilt about content; and guilt about fantasies that aren't about partner and/or guilt about fantasizing during sex with partner.

Guilt about content warrants several blogs on it's own, but for now let me say a couple of things for those of you who feel guilty about 'rape' fantasies, fetishistic fantasies, group sex fantasies, and the like. First, you have about the same control over WHAT turns you on as you have over WHO turns you on. Which is to say not much. Second, repression is a crude mental tool. If you work too hard to repress a desire, it tends to either AMPLIFY the desire or repress ALL desire. Take home? Learn to love your fantasies. They are your friends, they expand your sexuality. Besides, there is a weak correlation between fantasy and behavior. Sometimes you would REALLY get off if you enacted your sexual fantasy and sometimes it would be a disaster you would never dream of attempting. Most important: try to appreciate what how lucky you are to fantasize. Not everyone is capable of this wonderful, free sexual enhancer.

How about feeling guilty because you have sexual fantasies while you are having partner sex? The belief that one should be intimately connected to one's partner during every moment of partner sex is an antiquated, destructive idea. Get rid of it, along with the belief that coming at the same time means anything at all. Sure, sex involves intimacy, connection, love, respect, blah blah blah. It also involves sweat and lust and transgession and slimy fluids and grunting and yelling and, in the end, an exquisite selfishness. Orgasm is often - not always - about transcending ego, body, and ordinary consciousness and .....it's about pleasure.

Sharing that experience with your partner is the intimacy, helping your partner have this kind of joy and fun, that is the connection. Intimacy doesn't mean staring into each other's eyes all the time but it might mean being generous in giving your partner sexual pleasure.....and that can include fantasy. I'm all for tantric sex and two souls uniting but......it's not required and it's not for everyone. Believe me, I see more couples with joyless, perfunctory sex than I can count. A zesty, robust sex life, no matter how it's attained, is a gift to a relationship. For most people in relationships, sometimes the earth moves and sometimes it's a maintenance orgasm or a favor to your partner. And if fantasy helps - lucky you that you have it to use!