THE GROWING MIND

POEMS by Neil Selden 1/11/2012

2012-01-11T20:56:00.000-05:00

On Dharma Skis

Last night's dreams forgotten,

Standing on the mountain

of my morning meditation,

every day, I launch myself

skillfully over the snows of loving

One robin, one tree,

One rose bush, one starling,

One bee—which me

Is me?

"I'm One," said one Universe,

to another,

"What are you?"

The other Universe replied:

“I’m One, too."

SURVIVING THE HOLIDAYS by Margie Nichols 11/22/11

2011-11-23T13:57:00.001-05:00

     For many people, ‘The Holidays’ –roughly the period starting with Thanksgiving, going through the first days of the New Year- are everything our idealized vision of them contains: warmth, love, security, happiness, the joy of being around family, friends, loved ones.

     But for many people – sometimes I think the majority of us – ‘The Holidays’ is a bittersweet time delivering as much pain as joy. Some of us are in difficult straits in our lives. We may be alone, stressed, in economic, health, or relationship crisis. This time of year may feel like nothing more than another stress. For some, these months conjure up memories of difficult childhoods, while others are overwhelmed with grief for those they have lost.

     If you count yourself as one of the above, here’s a brief survival guide to make your holidays as bright as possible:

1) Make as few commitments as possible; balance your responsibilities to others with your responsibility to yourself. Take it slow, if you can. Leave room to opt out of some of the seasonal merry-go-round. You don’t need to go to every event you’ve been invited to.

2) On the other hand – if you are TOO much alone – make sure to schedule some time to be with other people. Even if you are stuck in a strange city by yourself on a holiday, you can volunteer at a soup kitchen and share in the camaderie of giving. Go to church, temple, a twelve-step meeting, wherever people meet to share fellowship. You don't have to believe in God- but believe in the spirit of human connection and the power of community, even if yours feels lacking at the moment.

3) Be gentle with yourself, and allow yourself to avoid some situations you know will be ‘triggers’ for negative feelings.

4) But at the same time, acknowledge that you may ‘break down’ at some point, and if you need to – cry, huddle up in a ball, beat a pillow in rage, or just totally withdraw. It can be a burden to pretend you feel happy when you are really blue.  Sometimes you just need to let it all hang out.

5) There are two things that science has shown us work as well as antidepressants at beating the ‘winter blues,’ or any blues for that matter: bright light therapy (google it) and aerobic exercise. If you can’t buy a ‘bright light’ for a couple of hundred bucks, get outside in the light/sunshine as much as possible. And walking makes a great aerobic activity, so you can kill two birds with one stone.

6) Practice gratitude. Even an activity as simple as writing down 5 things a week that you feel grateful for has been shown to make people happier, more peaceful – and even to sleep better.

7 Give it away. We can all give SOMETHING to others, even if all we do is smile at our bus driver and wish her a good day. Especially if you live in the NYC Metro area, simple human kindnesses can be met with startled appreciation and joy. And it’s hard to look at someone you have just made happy and not feel a little better yourself.

And finally, remember – this too shall pass. In a few short weeks, you’ll be in a fresh new year, with the days growing imperceptibly longer and lighter, and you will have survived ‘The Holidays’ again.

THE 'OTHER' KINDS OF MEDITATION by Margie Nichols 11.5.11

2011-11-06T14:17:00.002-05:00

       These days everything in the mental health world is about 'mindfulness meditation.' This is a wonderful leap forward, to be applauded, an amazing practice that has tremendous healing power.
      But in this new world of meditation consciousness, there seems to be a hierarchy of techniques. "Mindfulness meditation", usually of the sit in the lotus position and follow your breath variety, is the presumed King of meditation. And I use the word "King" deliberately, because it seems to me not only that male teachers/practicioners promote it more than women, but also because there is a lean, spare, no-nonsense feel to this kind of meditation, also called "Vipassana Meditation." There's nothing mushy or emotional about it.
    Interestingly, female practicioners/teachers like Pema Chodron, Tara Brach, and Sharon Salzburg seem to be guiding people to other kinds of practice. Often these are practices that actively cultivate compassion, self-love, forgiveness, and the transformation of painful experiences into transformative. Not nearly as lean or spare as straight-up 'mindfulness meditation,' these techniques - Loving Kindness, Tonglen, Radical Acceptance - have different and equally important benefits.
     There are many reasons for us to promote alternatives to following-the-breath meditations. First, this technique is fairly difficult for many people - I'd be curious about compliance studies, how many people attempt it for a while and give up. Many people resonate to more physical meditations - Tai Chi, yoga, for example- who could not possibly sit still for meditation sessions. And in my informal observation, far more people are able to follow a guided audio meditation than can follow their breath.
   And then there is the fact that different meditations can serve different purposes. Most or all induce the relaxation response. Most help sharpen attention and create an 'observing self' that is somewhat detached from the chattering of the mind. Beyond that, there are different benefits, from strengthening the body and relaxing muscles to inducing states of feeling 'oneness' with the world.
   There is a class of meditation, what could be called "heart" meditations, that is VERY relevant to psychotherapy because it addresses the most pervasive problems we all have as humans and that we bring to all our emotional issues: self-hatred, lack of self-esteem, judgments of ourselves and others, shame.   Whether you are in therapy or not, you can get benefit from the meditation teachers whose works are displayed below. I've put up the audio guided meditation versions, but most are available as books as well.

WE'RE COMING BACK. HERE'S WHAT WE'VE BEEN BUSY WITH 10/5/2011

2011-10-05T21:24:00.000-04:00

    The Institute for Personal Growth, the premier outpatient mental health organization with three offices in New Jersey and New York City, has launched a Postgraduate Sex Therapy Training Program. The Program, based in Highland Park, NJ, currently has fourteen residents, seasoned psychologists and social workers who are participating in intensive training to become certified sex therapists.

   Dr. Margaret Nichols, founder, President and Executive Director of IPG, is an American Board of Sexology Diplomate and Certified Sex Therapist of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT). IPG is an official training facility for AASECT, and Dr. Nichols runs the new AASECT-sanctioned program with the help of the four other AASECT Certified Sex Therapists on the IPG staff.

    As the ‘Age of Viagra’ makes it more acceptable for the average person to acknowledge and seek help for sexual problems and dysfunctions, sex therapy is becoming an increasingly important specialization. In fact, IPG has not been able to keep up with demand. AASECT, the international certifying organization for sex therapists, lists only thirty sex therapists for the entire state, and five are at IPG. The Postgraduate Sex Therapy Training Program increases the number of IPG’s sex therapy specialists to nineteen, covering all three New Jersey offices as well as the newly-launched New York City satellite office. For the first time, IPG will be able to offer expert sex therapy to the large number of people seeking help, and even be able to make some fee adjustments for people with limited resources.

   Many people expect all psychotherapists and counselors to be able to treat sexual dysfunction and difficulties. But in fact, few graduate schools incorporate course work on human sexuality and the specialized techniques developed by sex therapists since the pioneering work of Masters and Johnson in the 1960’s. A relatively young discipline, sex therapy has evolved to incorporate the breakthroughs in medical knowledge of sexuality and pharma/medical interventions. The contemporary sex therapist can draw upon a vast body of information about sexuality that is unknown or poorly understood by the non-sex therapist. Consumers who rely on untrained practicioners are often given misinformation or simply find their sexual concerns ignored.

    Says Program Director Margaret Nichols: ”Sex therapy is very different from other counseling. For one thing, the treatment for most sexual dysfunction is very behavioral – less talk, more ‘homework’ exercises. There’s also a big educational component – many people don’t realize, for example, how the medications they take may interfere with sex, or that male and female sexuality is fundamentally different. And many sexual problems have a medical component, and sex therapists know how to detect this and refer to appropriate specialists. It’s not unusual to see a sexual dysfunction that requires information-giving, behavioral interventions, treatment by a medical doctor, and even at times physical therapy.”

    Certification in sex therapy is done through the American Association for Sexuality Education, Counseling, and Therapy (AASECT). The certification is rigorous, requiring, in addition to a graduate degree and licensure and experience in general psychotherapy, a specialized course of study and practice that includes 90 hours of sexuality education, 60 hours of specialized sex therapy coursework, at least 250 hours of casework, and 50 or more hours of supervision by a sex therapist who is AASECT certified for at least three years.

“There’s really a need in New Jersey and even in Manhattan for trained, certified sex therapists.” says Nichols. While Manhattan is better served than New Jersey – there are a couple of dozen in the boro- many have closed their practices dues to overwhelming demand. “That’s why we have opened a satellite in the Chelsea/Union Square area, staffed by two certified sex therapists and two residents.” In New Jersey the shortage of trained sex therapists is so severe that the IPG training program will increase the state-wide total by fifty percent and make IPG by far the largest sex therapy provider in the state.

"Another advantage of our training our own therapists in sex therapy is that we have always provided service to the L/G/B/T, BDSM, and polyamory communities. Now we'll be able to provide sex therapy to these populations as well." Dr. Nichols has written extensively on sex therapy with sexual minorities, including the chapter on this subject in the primary sex therapy textbook, "Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy."

In Memory of Jesse Part II: The Dead Kid List by Margie Nichols 6.4.2011

2011-06-04T19:14:00.001-04:00

(Dr. Nichols will resume “Kinsters’ Sex Advice” shortly)

   Displayed at eye level on my freezer door is a magnet my son gave me that says “Gardening, yoga, bubble baths, medication…..and I still want to smack somebody!”

    In my last post I described a little of how therapy, meditation, etc etc helped me survive the death of my daughter Jesse. Therapy, with Bruce Wood, a therapist’s therapist if there ever was one, actually reaffirmed my own belief in the importance of what I do for a living. This was an unintended positive consequence, not only of therapy, but also of Jesse’s death. As Ram Dass would say, you would never wish it to happen this way, but…..here it is. Grist for the mill.

    Anyway, I realized after posting that I had left a couple of things out of the list of healing activities. One is dark humor. Like the magnet. Or jokes about playing the ‘dead kid card’ to get – or get out of- things. I learned the value of laughing in the face of death in the ‘80’s, during the years I ran a group for guys with AIDS. No cryin’ in that group, for the most part – just a lot of information exchange about treatments, studies, doctors – and grim, wickedly dark humor.

Another is devouring any story that involves a dead kid. That’s why I watched “Rabbit Hole” this year. Twice.

   Now some of you probably think this is crazy. You’re right! Now you know why shrinks become shrinks. We process pain by vicariously reliving it over and over again. A supervisor once said, “Shrinks are the only people who need forty hours of therapy a week.”

    At any rate, now that you know my weird secret, please help me. I recently put a file on my desktop called “dead kid list.” I want to keep a record of movies, books, plays, memoirs or biographies, poetry, that concern dead kids. And my list is pitifully small right now, I know I’ve forgotten a lot of what I’ve already read or seen, not to mention lots of stories I don’t yet know. For the most part, these are stories that involve the grief AFTER a kid croaks, not ones in which a kid dies at the end.

Here it is:

MOVIES
• Rabbit hole
• Accidental tourist
• Human stain
* Ordinary people
• Welcome to the reillys
• Mystic river

BOOKS
• Accidental tourist
• Human stain
• Little bee
• Mystic river
• Death be not proud
*Shadow child

PLAYS
• Rabbit Hole

Please add to it in the comments below-

In Memory of Jesse Nichols Jacobson, 6.6.1994-6.2.2004 by Margie Nichols June 3, 2011

2011-06-03T16:03:00.002-04:00

(Dr. Nichols will resume her series on kinksters’ sex advice in her next post)

    I watched the amazing movie “Rabbit Hole” for the second time last night and was once again struck by how catastrophic grief changes (or doesn’t) over time. And yesterday I read, for the first time in years, the opening pages of blog I kept on Livejournal.com called 'My Child's Death.' I started that blog just 18 days after my beloved daughter, Jesse, died, and the raw pain jumped out at me yesterday, causing me to reflect on the morphing of my own grief.

Like many people, I remember meaningful quotes – lines from literature, poetry, song lyrics- words that capture my mood or a particular frame of mind. My car is covered in bumper stickers, and you can trace my bereavement journey with the little notes and papers stuck to my refrigerator. In my first few blog pages I found “And the worst part is knowing I’ll survive”( Emmylou Harris) and “Life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone”(John Mellencamp). Posted on my refrigerator from those early days (moved from the front to a side corner, but still there): the mournful “Love knows not its own depths until the hour of separation” (Kahlil Gibran) and the Langston Hughes poem that begins “I loved my friend/ She went away from me/There’s nothing more to say….”

   And of course the darkest of my dark quotes remains, lodged with a magnet in the early days of grief, words penned by Ernest Hemingway: “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.”

    Thankfully, that degree of nihilistic suffering faded to a manageable level after a couple of years. When it still hits, it strikes like a two by four against the skull, but that doesn’t happen often. At some point light broke through my darkness: the quote that occupied front and center on my frig for a while was “We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.” (Kenji Miyazawa). "Love is not too high a price to pay for pain" (anon) mixed some positive with the pain. Over the years, with the help of my family and friends, especially my children, my therapist, meditation and yoga teachers, and the blessing of my work, I have constructed a new life. It still feels to me like my life as I knew it ended June 2, 2004. But my life now is rich and meaningful, and even frequently light and joyful, something I never expected in the first few years.

   My grief is quieter now, softened. My favorite quote, and it has been for some time is “You are the one still in my every breath” (Paul Valery). Since ‘following the breath’ has been one of my mindfulness practices for decades, they are particularly apt and comforting words.

   But the best description of what has happened to me is summed up by Diane Weist, telling her daughter that over time, something about grief changes:

The weight of it, I guess. At some point it becomes bearable. It turns into something you can crawl out from under, and carry around - like a brick in your pocket. And you forget it every once in a while, but then you reach in for whatever reason and there it is: "Oh right. That." Which can be awful. But not all the time. Sometimes it's kinda... Not that you like it exactly, but it's what you have instead of your son, so you don't wanna let go of it either. So you carry it around. And it doesn't go away, which is...

Fine, actually…..

   Jesse, dearest, you are the air that I breathe, the earth I walk on. And the pain of losing you is a burden I will gladly carry forever.

ODE TO GRANDPA ELLIO by Susan Menahem 5.17.2011

2011-05-18T22:39:00.000-04:00

    “So, how high is this thing anyway?” I asked staring straight up and squinting my eyes against the bright afternoon Belizean sun.

“Well it’s about as high as an eleven story building” answered Luis our tour guide to the Mayan ruins.

“Um-hm. And just how many people have fallen off this thing?”

“Oh no-one Miss Susan. I assure you, it’s very safe.”

“Well then Luis, how come you’re down here on the ground with me while everyone else is hiking up that 11 story pyramid?”

    “You’re funny. I’ve been up there a million times before. The view is next to nothing I have ever seen. It goes high above the treetops.”

    That may have been so, but this was Belize and this was the jungle and not some amusement theme park ride back home in New Jersey. There were no safety bars, no safety rails, no crash helmets, no harnesses and no nets to save those unlucky people that lost their footing and went tumbling down the face of the pyramid. Each step was about half the size of my own foot and the climb was not just an eleven story climb up but a steep eleven story climb up. And the closest hospital was about an hour and a half’s ride by boat down the Lamani river. I sat firmly planted on the bench watching as my friends slowly became little tiny specs clinging to the face of the pyramid as they made their way to the top.

    “It’s paralyzing huh Miss Susan?”

    “What?”

    “Fear. It paralyzes you. Makes you stuck to that bench that’s for sure. Know what I do about fear? Ha! I don’t think about it!”

    “Easy for you to say Luis.”

“No, for sure I know this one first hand! When I was a little boy my grandfather brought me here to teach me about my heritage. We hiked all through the jungle and then came out to the clearing, just like you did, only to be standing face to face with this, the Great Temple Pyramid. My grandfather was so excited to take me to the top, but like you, I was paralyzed with fear and my feet were frozen. He told me that if you let yourself succumb to fear your life will be a prison. He said here is what you do…. First you don’t think about it. You don’t think about what might happen 5 seconds from now or 2 hours from now. You just think about now. You focus on what is exactly right in front of you to do. You focus on that very step you are climbing up. Then, you keep your mind busy. You ready for this? You just sing your favorite song to yourself over and over.”

     “So, you want me to climb that pyramid by singing a song?”

     “It works I’m telling you. Oh yeah, and probably the most important thing…. Before you start you think about how you wanna feel on the way back.”

    “I don’t get it”

    “Well, you came all the way here to Belize, you traveled almost two hours on the river, you hiked through the jungle only to sit on a bench. What’s gonna happen when your friends come back down? What are they gonna be talking about on the hike back? On the boat ride? At dinner tonight? What do you wanna be doing? You wanna be feeling proud of yourself and joining in on the conversation or you wanna be sitting in the corner arm in arm with your good friend fear. You see, as my grandfather told me, you don’t have to be reckless; you can be cautious and live your life in a good way. You wanna be fearful? You may as well be dead.”

     After a few moments of contemplating Luis’ grandfather words I asked “Hey Luis, what’s your grandfather’s name?”

    “It’s Ellio, but why?”

    “I want to know who to blame if I go tumbling down this thing” I said grabbing my backpack.

    “Don’t forget to sing!!” Luis laughed.

    I have a small white stone that I carry in my pocket from time to time. It came from the top of that Great Temple Pyramid at Lamani, Belize. It reminds me of an important lesson that I learned from a wise old Mayan grandfather about overcoming fear.

    Fear is a paralyzing prison. Overcoming it lies in believing that you can, in keeping your thoughts present in that very moment, and in being relentlessly focused on the task at hand in that very second.

    Thank you Grandpa Ellio. Your wisdom spans the generations, the times and absolutely the continents. Oh yeah, and most importantly, don’t forget to sing!!

SEX TIPS FROM THE LEATHER WORLD, PART 2 by Margie Nichols 5/5/2011

2011-05-05T11:42:00.000-04:00

First, let me say a little more about decoupling sex and love. Because, imho, the source of many of our sexual difficulties is our sloppy sentimentality about sex and love. The reason we personalize our partner’s sexual behavior so much is that we are viewing sexuality through lenses distorted by false assumptions. Read the following assertions:

If he/she loves me, he/she will

• know how to please me sexually without my saying or showing

• always be turned on to me when I’m turned on to them

• know instinctively when I DON’T want sex and not ask

• be able to keep my level of sexual desire high no matter how long we’ve been together

• be able to make sex hot under any conditions

• never be attracted to anyone else

• never masturbate, view porn, or engage in sexuality, even solo, that does not include me

• never fantasize about anything or anyone else, especially during sex with me

• always gaze into my eyes during sex

• never ask for any sexual activity that makes me anxious

• always like any sexual activity I want

• be easy for me to turn on and give pleasure to

• make me come; come at the same time as me

• be a skilled lover ‘naturally’

   All of these beliefs are not only false, but destructive.Some of you reading may still hold some of these ideas; most of us held them at one time in our lives. Those of us with happy sex lives probably overcame most of these false assumptions.

People in the kink community are realists about sex . Leather folk , who spend way more time on the their sex lives than most of us, view sex in an more objective, dispassionate way. They know that sex is a tool that has many uses and serves many masters. Its meaning is determined entirely by context. If a kinky person discovers that her partner is fantasizing about someone else, because she views sex realistically she does not personalize it, doesn’t feel hurt or threatened. She knows that we are all sexual animals, and committed love doesn’t change that. The BDSM partner may even find a way to incorporate her mate’s sexual fantasies into their sex together.

   Okay, so once you’ve developed more objectivity, how do you translate that into hotter sex?

LESSON TWO :COMMUNICATE.

    Of the fallacies listed above, one of the most destructive is the belief that the partner should know their sexual likes and dislikes automatically, without being told, taught, or shown - because ‘she’s supposed toknow me.’ Some people go so far as to see a partner’s inability to please them sexually as an indicator of betrayal – ‘after all this time, she should know I hate…….she doesn’t love me/is trying to hurt me’

    I find this very curious. After all, most of us don’t expect our partners to be able to pick out clothing we’d like without us telling or showing them (NOTE: IF YOU DO EXPECT THIS, STOP READING NOW AND GO BUY “CODEPENDENT NO MORE”). We – hopefully – don’t think they should know what kind of restaurant we want to go to tonight or what we want to order when we get there. Why is sex different?

    The truth is that most of us are embarrassed to talk about sex, much less show or tell a partner exactly what we want. We want sex to magically ‘happen’ without us having to ask for ANYTHING. I’ve actually had people tell me if they have to ask it’s not worth it.

    That kind of attitude and behavior is alien to those in the BDSM culture. When two kinky people are contemplating having a ‘scene,’ or a sexual encounter, they often sit down ahead of time and engage in a dialogue to discuss the specifics of what each wants and negotiate a scenario that they will both enjoy.

   The fact is, no two people are alike sexually(even if they are the same gender), and no one knows what you like unless you tell them. Moreover, you have to be really specific, because generalities can be too easily misinterpreted. You can’t tell your partner, “I’d like more foreplay” and expect that to be enough. You can say, “I’d like you to kiss me softly – like all over my face, ears, neck – then take off my clothes slowly, like for example, maybe slowly unbutton my blouse and play with my nipples through the bra—then only after that touch my pussy.” It’s even better if you demonstrate while you talk, perhaps guiding your mate’s hands, mouth, etc. to create the experience you desire. Or, you can watch sex DVD’s together and use that to communicate your sexuality. Instead of viewing sexual communication as embarrassing or awkward, it can itself become a kind of foreplay.

    In the BDSM world, preferences are communicated in exquisite detail. Sometimes people even fill out forms for their partners, forms that list more sexual activities than most of us can imagine. (NOTE: MOST OF THE S/M MANUALS HAVE COPIES OF THESE FORMS, AND YOU CAN FIND THEM ONLINE). Many of these forms ask for the writer to indicate whether an activity is preferred, tolerated, out of bounds, or – maybe. I find this a great attitude- one I encourage. It’s Dan Savage’s third “G” – being game to try things outside your comfort zone.

    Why should you step outside the bounds of the familiar? Because, whether you realize it or not, part of what made sex exciting in the beginning of your relationship was the UNfamiliar- the newness of your partner’s body, the sense of the unexpected, the slight tinge of insecurity/anxiety present when two people are still getting used to each other. BDSM people, who might be described as sexual adventurers, the hang-gliders of the erotic world, know this. They understand that fear, anxiety, and transgressiveness can drive us to heights of intense pleasure. They sense this paradox of human nature, our attraction to situations of ‘controlled danger’ – roller coasters, horror movies, and ‘forbidden’ sex acts. And they use creativity and ingenuity to play with these darker emotions in their intimate encounters.

NEXT: THE ROLE OF PLAY AND RITUAL, AND WHY SEX IS SIMILAR TO BUT BETTER THAN GOLF

SEX TIPS FOR VANILLA COUPLES FROM THE LEATHER WORLD, PART ONE by Margie Nichols 4.25.2011

2011-04-25T21:04:00.000-04:00

    I hate these kinds of articles- my eyes glaze over when I see them– and so this is the first time I’ve written one. But I think my advice might be slightly different from what you've have heard before.

    For nearly thirty years, my two main professional specialties have been sex therapy and working with sexual minorities. So I have an unusual breadth of experience knowing about people’s sex lives – all kinds of people, all kinds of sex lives.

      For a long time, I’ve believed that the two types of couples who sustain the hottest sex lives over the long haul are couples with open relationships,and kinky couples. Both types of couples fight the buzz- kill of familiarity with novelty, but in different ways. (If you read Sex at Dawn, which I reviewed in my last blog piece, you’ll see why this is THE eternal problem and paradox of monogamy). But BDSM couples – many of whom are monogamous- seem to effectively combat SCS- Sexless Cuddling Syndrome- which seems to afflict a large proportion of vanilla couples. BDSM couples cuddle AND have hot sex.

     Let’s face it, the modern egalitarian couple shares interests, responsibilities, and fine-tunes their interactions to achieve a comfortable, affectionate, predictable, safe relationship. The problem is, comfortable and hot often inhabit different universes. We need our relationships to be safe – that’s kind of part of the point of having them. And most of us will think any of the various forms of nonmonogamy too damn scary to seriously consider.

     So what’s the alternative? How do you get unfamiliar with the one person you are having sex with for years and years? Unless you’re part of the small percentage of people that can find doing the same sexual acts over and over again just as hot the 2,000th time as the first, you need to introduce novelty into the way you DO sex. Certainly, BDSM doesn’t lack for novelty. But novelty is not enough. YOU HAVE TO THINK DIFFERENTLY ABOUT SEX. YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP SOME CHERISHED ROMANTIC IDEAS. And then you have to behave differently.

A good place to start is with “Savage Love” web columnist Dan Savage. His ‘code’ for how to be a good sexual partner in a relationship is: GGG- good, as in good with your sexual technique; giving, as in, you make sure your partner gets as much pleasure as you; and game, as in ‘I’m game to try almost anything you desire.’ If you think about it, two out of three elements of this simple and reasonable dictum are contrary to the romanticized notions of sex most of unconsciously hold: we believe that technique isn’t supposed to matter, or it’s supposed to come ‘naturally;’ and we believe that some(many) sexual desires are ‘weird’ or ‘abnormal,’ and we certainly don’t feel obligated to try things that make us even slightly uncomfortable.

     So, the first lessons learned from the BDSM world are about letting go of sentimental, wrong-headed ideas about what sex is ‘supposed to’ be, and seeing sex for what it is. In other words, they’re about learning to be objective and rational about sex.

LESSON ONE: DECOUPLE SEX AND LOVE.

   In the BDSM world,a person can have a hot public sexual encounter with a virtually anonymous partner and then go home and have hot-in-a-different-way sex with her life partner. That’s because kinksters know that sex can be both the most impersonal and the most intimate of acts, sometimes during the same sexual encounter. BDSM people don’t confuse the dancer with the dance. Intimacy is not inherent in particular behaviors or desires, it’s all in the context. The same sexual behaviors can be hot but impersonal in a casual encounter, and incredibly meaningful and intimate with your soulmate. Think of sex and love as overlapping circles – PARTIALLY overlapping circles.

    Conflating sex and love leads to many problems, but in monogamous couples it often makes us personalize our partner’s sexual desires or behaviors. For example, the wife of a man with erectile dysfunction inevitably concludes that she’s not attractive to him. Harmless personal habits or interests are assigned psychological meaning and are seen as indicators of love or even fidelity. She keeps her eyes closed when she has sex? So what? It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, it just helps heighten the experience for her. You’re bent out of shape because he likes Internet porn? Get over it. It doesn’t mean you’re not ‘enough’ for him (whatever that means) – it means he likes to masturbate sometimes, too, and this gets him off. You think it’s awful that she’s attracted to other people? Get real. It’s hard-wired into the human animal brain.

     BDSM people have learned not to be threatened by their partners desires, fantasies, and many – but not all- of their behaviors. Many have overcome jealousy. You may never want to ‘open’ your relationship up to other partners, but at least allow the most open expression possible of you and your partner’s fantasies and preferences. Be happy that your partner is a sexual animal with a wide-ranging imagination. If you get over being threatened you can work this to your benefit!

    Kinky folk learned long ago to let go of all judgments about adult consensual sexual behaviors. When a fetishist expresses distaste, he or she might use the word ‘squicked’ – ‘That squicks me’ – instead of ‘That disgusts me’ or ‘That’s bad.’ BDSMers hesitate to label sex as ‘good/normal/healthy sex’ or ‘bad/deviant/unhealthy sex.’ The belief is,there’s nothing unnatural or bad about what I want …or what anyone else wants…..it’s all about compatability and fit with a partner. BDSM people have learned to not denigrate anyone’s sexual desires or habits, but instead to see them as preferences, like food preferences. You may dislike Thai food but you (hopefully) don’t see people who like it as weird. When trying to have a hot sex life, it is most helpful to let go of judgments. Your sexual possibilities expand and you open to your partner more when you look at sexual desires and behaviors more neutrally.

NEXT: WHAT THE KINK WORLD CAN TEACH US ABOUT SEXUAL COMMUNICATION

THE EIGHT VERSES OF THOUGHT TRAINING, PART ONE by Neil Selden 4.20.2011

2011-04-20T21:13:00.000-04:00

"It could be said that The Eight Verses for

Training the Mind contains the entire essence

of the Buddha's teachings in a distinct form."

--H.H. the Dalai Lama

   Sometimes the Universe offers a sweet and amusing surprise in bestowing upon us unexpected gifts and precious treasures.

    I was visiting a severely paranoid client in his new apartment. I was his psychotherapist, part of a team whose mission was to help homeless, substance-abusing, mentally ill individuals, I knew to work with his strengths, skills and resources, as a way to ease the pain that drove him into acting out his paranoia.

    Recently released from a prison psychiatric setting, and grateful for our help in getting him off the street and into decent housing, his face lit up when he showed me his proudest possessions since becoming established in his very modest digs: an array of fishtanks covering one wall, and a growing collection of books on Buddhism that he delighted in and lovingly fondled.

    Glowing with the pride of ownership, he selected one of his buddhist paperbacks: “Here’s a beauty, Neil!”

    “I didn’t know you were interested in Buddhism.”

    He caressed the book and put it into my hands: “I haven’t read any of them, but they speak to me.”

    The pages of the book furrowed open in my grasp, and my eye fell upon The Eight Verses of Thought Training, a seventh century Tibetan text, and it was as if I was swallowing whole and holy the essence of living a happy and meditative life.

     Instantly I knew, as if I was encountering the closest possible friend, that the eight verses would be part of me for as long as I live and breathe, and indeed that first impression has proved accurate. At least two months of daily practice enabled me to memorize the verses, and they continue to enliven my daily meditation practices.

     In future writings I hope to illuminate for the reader and for myself each of the verses, as powerful aids in meditation and in choosing my thoughts, speech and actions.

     For me, currently, the least accessible of the verses, one which has affected me deeply, but which remains somewhat deliciously mysterious, invites many questions about how to think and act and behave when I am in the presence of other created beings, including all manner of trees, flowers, birds, fish, mammals and stars and human children: “When I am with others, I will see myself as the lowest of all, and from the very depths of my heart I will recognize others as supreme.” WOW!

(COMING ATTRACTIONS: The First and Second Verses)

Jungle Fever by Susan Menahem 4.14.2011

2011-04-14T18:29:00.000-04:00

     After a dog eats a hallucinogenic cane toad his heart pounds as if it were going to explode. This causes excessive panting, he has an endless stream of foam pouring from his mouth, he loses all control over any of his limbs and for all intents and purposes he is on one great big acid trip that lasts for about 8 hours. How do I know this? I know this because the German Shepherd that lives at the lodge where I stayed in the middle of the jungles of Belize had eaten such a toad and was on an incredible trip the first night I was there. I can now also tell you what happens when a cat gets stung by a scorpion, what to do when you accidently disturb a female tarantula who is protecting a huge sack of eggs and how to recognize and not get bitten by poisonous snakes. I had no intention of learning any of these things but when you plop yourself in the middle of the jungle for 7 days it kind of goes with the territory.

     What I was intending to do was to get back to nature, to see exotic plants, birds and animals and to generally take a break from our hectic and fast paced way of living. That much, I’m happy to say, I also accomplished. Morning excursions began with breakfast at the crack of dawn and the day’s activities ended with an early dinner, exhaustion and a self imposed bedtime that even a third grader would protest.

     When I got back home to New Jersey, after unpacking, I automatically popped on the TV set for background noise and immediately checked my email, retrieved all of the messages from my cell phone, began sorting through the incredibly large pile of mail that had accumulated during the week I was away while at the same time creating a list for the food shopping trip that was to happen as soon as the bills were paid.

     And then I felt it. It began as a subtle creeping feeling in my stomach, it traveled upwards towards my neck and shoulders and took up permanent residence in my temples causing my head to throb. I had not yet been home for more than 6 hours and I had already plugged myself back in to the hectic onslaught that I retreated to the jungle to escape. Was it just habit or truly a way of life? Regardless, the peaceful relaxing feeling that had felt so wonderful just one short day ago was already gone. I was on “gotta do” overload.

     That was not a state of being that I was going to agree to tolerate anymore. I’ve decided to bring some things back that I learned while being in the jungle. There is time for breakfast. It doesn’t have to be eaten while we are in the car on the way to work or while we’re multitasking doing 7 other things. Phone messages will be returned, emails will be answered, bills will be paid. But the world can wait an hour while we give ourselves respite – weather that be in meditation, reading a chapter in a book, watching the sun rise, playing with the dog or doing yoga (just because we enjoy it and not because we think we’re fat). The TV set doesn’t always have to be on and “quiet” can be a wonderful place. We just need to give ourselves permission to unplug for a little while, to include “relaxing” on the “to-do list” to take an hour off from the hustle and bustle of our lives and to reconnect with the peacefulness that we usually go away on vacations to find. An hour a day or a few hours a week is really all it takes.

     The hours may not be easy to find. We may have to break a few commitments, limit TV time, take a day off a week from the gym or ask the kids to play by themselves for a while. But it’s worth it and it’s needed. We just have to give ourselves the permission, realize the importance, accept the challenge and unplug for a while. And, as I can attest, taking a few hours off a week at home to unwind is a lot safer than dodging a hallucinating German shepherd in the middle of the jungle!!

NATURAL AND UNNATURAL SEX: SEX AT DAWN, by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha. Review by Margie Nichols, 4.8.2011

2011-04-08T21:26:00.004-04:00

     What is ‘natural’ in human sexuality? It’s not a trivial question: what is ‘natural’ is assumed to be normal, and by tenuous extension, what is ‘unnatural’ is inferior, deviant – ab-normal. We take it for granted that the ‘purpose’ of human sex is reproduction, which privileges heterosexual penile-vaginal intercourse as the most ‘natural,’ ‘preferred’ form of sexual behavior. And we assume that humans have always lived in pair-bonded nuclear families (remember the cartoons of male cavemen clubbing women?), an assumption that implies that monogamy is ‘normal,’ while multi-partnered sex is deviant, or at least evolutionarily irrelevant. Our judgments about sex, and we have many of them, have been shaped by the Bible, for the religious, or Charles Darwin, if we look to science for enlightenment.

     Increasingly, evolutionary biologists, anthropologists, and others interested in sexuality historically and cross-culturally are challenging Darwin’s beliefs about sexuality (Soon I'll post a blog on "Best Books About Sex In My Professional Lifetime"). Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality adds to the literature of this vibrant and interesting multidisciplinary group of dissenters. Christopher Ryan is a research psychologist and his coauthor (and wife) Cacilde Jetha a psychiatrist. Together they have written a book which the critic and sex advice columnist Dan Savage has called “ the single most important book about human sexuality since Alfred Kinsey unleashed Sexual Behavior of the Human Male on the American public in 1948.”

     That might be slightly hyperbolic, but the fact is this is a great book. Ryan and Jetha make a convincing scientific case that

1) our closest primate relatives are the bonobos and chimps, who are ‘promiscuous’ and have sex in every way possible with every partner possible for a multitude of reasons, few of which have to do with reproduction;

2) our prehistoric forbears had a sexuality like bonobos and chimps and raised children in matrilineal groupings where paternity was not important and children were raised communally, as the children of the tribe.

     In other words, what is ‘natural’ to us is to have sex in many ways with many people for many reasons. What is NOT natural is for everyone to be heterosexual and monogamous. That’s quite a revolutionary concept.

     How and why did things change? Ryan and Cacilde place blame on the agricultural revolution, which they quote Jared Diamond as calling a ‘catastrophe from which we have never recovered.’ Agricultural societies became patrilineal and patriarchal, and monogamy was instituted as a way of insuring paternity. And contemporary sexologists, the authors assert, have simply assumed that monogamy, pair-bonding, and the nuclear family ‘always’ existed and that they exist because it is somehow “in” human nature to do this.

     Ryan and Cacilde level their big guns at monogamy, which certainly deserves increasing scrutiny as a viable lifestyle for our species, especially since it is so frequently defended and so infrequently practiced.

     But my interest in Sex at Dawn goes far beyond the issue of monogamy. Ryan and Caciilde’s arguments strike another blow at Darwin’s theory of sexual selection. And I increasingly believe Darwin’s beliefs form the bedrock of the dominant paradigm of sexuality. Darwin believed that evolutionary fitness developed at the level of the individual organism – the fittest male mates with the fittest female and the offspring survive at a disproportionatly high rate because of all those super genes. But scientific tests of this hypothesis have failed to confirm it, indicating that for many species, probably including our own, evolution advances at a group level, not via individuals and their monogamous mates.

     The prevailing sexual paradigm is based on the idea that the primary, if not sole, function of sex MUST be reproduction, which certainly might be true if Darwin had been right about how ‘fittest’ genes are passed down. And if the function of sex is reproduction, then sexual acts, lifestyles, and choices that do not support reproduction via a nuclear family are less ‘fit,’ i.e., they are ‘inferior.’ It’s a short step from ‘inferior’ to ‘abnormal.’

     But the thesis of the ‘new breed’ of sexual thinkers, including the authors of Sex at Dawn, is that sex is multi-functional. And if sex serves diverse functions, then having a diversity of sexual behaviors and relationship forms would be advantageous. If we believe the fundamental premise of this book, then instead of pathologizing non-statistically normative sexuality, we would see variations as a fundamental, necessary part of the sexuality of our species. The foundation for demonizing all sexual minorities and those with atypical sexual and relationship lifestyles would be shattered.

    If we believe the authors of Sex at Dawn – and others in their camp - Mother Nature really DOES ‘celebrate diversity’ – in sexuality as in everything else – because the survival of the species depends upon it.

MY TRANSFORMATIONAL CANDY STORE by Neil Selden 3.31.2011

2011-03-31T16:33:00.000-04:00

“Let the grass grow through you; cherish the wild inside you.”

Robert McCrea Imbrie

“To study the Way is to study the self; to study the selfis to forget the self.

To forget the self is to be enlightened by all things.”

Dogen

     Enlightenment? What is the ‘light’ in enlightenment? Is that ‘light’ in any way connected to the wildness and unpredictability of what we experience when we observe in a non-judgmental, non-striving, non-clinging way the streaming mental images, memories, mental constructions and thoughts of praise/ blame, gains/losses, success/failure, comfort/discomfort that constitute the flotsam and jetsam in the river of our mind?

    “Most men,” according to Thoreau, “live lives of quiet desperation.”

     Does enlightenment mean a light in the darkness of desperation and toxic feelings? Does it mean the LIGHTness of spirit, the openheartedness, the limitless love for self and all beings, the freedom from fear that meditation, in its own time and way, bestows as a grace?

     Has nature given us an appropriate fear of the future? Can we transform that fear into a thrilling ride in the amusement park of the mind? We fear the future because we don’t feel safe, but a scary ride at Coney Island becomes enjoyable because we trust we are safe.

    Walt Whitman once wrote: “I don’t know where I came from, and I don’t know where I am going, but I know that I came well, and I will go well.”

     As a grad student I read Siddhartha by Herman Hesse, under a big apricot umbrella, as rain fell all around me at the edge of Lake Mendota, the high, wide windows of the University of Wisconsin student union reflecting windwhipped waves on the breast of the lake. At that time, how could I know that my destiny—like the fictional destiny of Siddhartha-- was to learn how, in my daily life, to sit by the river with a living or dead spiritual friend and calmly watch it all: the ripples of the water, the flow of the current, the waves lapping against its banks, the branches and leaves riding downstream, the sparkles of the sun, the shadows of birds on the bosom of the water, the leaping of a trout, and, in the current of one’s mind, the endless and unpredictable jump-cuts from one image to another, one memory to another, one physical sensation or emotion to another.

     50,000 thoughts a day? Some persevering researchers have estimated that most people think at least half a hundred thousand thoughts a day. No wonder people yearn for a way to silence the mind, when that flotsam and jetsam-- attended to unskillfully-- becomes a source of unending stress, because we haven’t learned how to enjoy it. At the end of Hesse’s novel, Siddhartha the hero, finds peace by joining his life with the life of an old, wisely simple ferryboat man who lives on the bank of the river they cross many times a day. Sitting, eating and working with the ferryboat man, Siddhartha is at last, after all his spiritual and worldly adventures, able to live with joy and love, audience to the river at the foot of their hut, and an enlightened spectator of his inner spectacle, the river that runs endlessly through all human minds.

    The ceaseless—and what most folks don’t realize potentially useful—flow of seemingly chaotic or repetitive thoughts, memories, mental images, plus awareness of happenings in the body and the world, can be a source of extreme stress. But the pure awareness of the very same river in the mind/body/world can be a joyous Coney Island of the mind, an amusement park that reminds me of my childhood Bronx candy store, chockablock with so many delicious little sweets, a penny a piece, that I remember with great delight.

     How does that ceaseless and stressful, unstoppable flow become a source of happiness? Certainly not by forcing oneself to sit and suffer. As in yoga, you stretch, enjoying the stretch, and pull back before pain can cause damage to the body. Anyone can learn to feel absolutely safe in meditation, and to enjoy the amusement park of mind-rides, knowing that at some undetermined moment in the future, a minute, a month, a year, perhaps more, a tipping point will be reached at which our inner happiness will only rarely be diminished by outer circumstances, only rarely be diminished by blame, loss, failure, and personal discomfort.

     The fear of not knowing what comes next has been taught to most of us from childhood, because our caregivers did not know how to cherish the unknown and at the same time to prepare for the future skillfully and without fear. Most of us, in school, among our peers, and in our family life, have learned to please others by knowing, knowing, knowing, exactly who we are and where we are going and what we plan to do. Not knowing, in our earliest years, for most of us, brought on a deep fear of abandonment.

    When Socrates told the oracle of Delos: “I want to find and learn from the wisest person in the world, who is that person?” she replied: “YOU are!” Socrates said, “But I don’t know anything.” She answered, “You know that you don’t know.” The oracle was expressing an ancient belief: that he who does not know that he does not know is a fool to be avoided, but she who knows that she does not know is a wise woman whose company should be sought.

    For thousands of years those who studied the world knew with absolute certainty, gleaned from the data of their own eyes, that the sun revolves around the earth. There lies the danger of believing that you know anything with absolute certainty. In the kitchen of our apartment, too often I react with irritability to what I think I know is in the mind of my beloved and adored wife, and quickly learn from the pain of that encounter, her pain as well as mine, the overwhelming importance of knowing I do not know. Almost always, when I think I know she is being critical, I discover again and again that she is acting out of love for me.

    Through meditation we can come to realize the safety of not knowing what comes next. We can learn to stop depending on the shaky safety of all the menus, agendas, lists of keeping-busy stuff that distract us from embracing and studying our fear of the future. Eventually we can come with joy to all the interesting or boring activities of the day, whatever the Now throws our way.

    In meditation, we are practicing the great skill of letting go of attachment to ideas, concepts, opinions, attitudes, and emotions. We are also experiencing our fear of not knowing what the mind and body and world will throw at us, and by studying that fear instead of fleeing from it, it becomes over time a source of insight and strength. Fear can be left behind, the unknown becomes a friend.

    Without meditation, I would never have discovered the dangerous beauty of practicing many suggestions I received from my beloved teacher, friend, brother-in-law and collaborator Robert McCrea Imbrie: “Love and create, smash your consciousness, learn to love what is ugly. Follow your breathing. Put your arms around a tree. Ask the flowers to teach you. Celebrate success and celebrate failure. Make each day a work of art, make a work of art of time. Say something you never said before. Laugh, dance, praise God, thank God, love God, serve God.”

Practice What You Practice by Susan Menahem 3.23.2011

2011-03-23T19:23:00.000-04:00

     I hated my piano teacher. His name was Gary and he always wore the same white button down, short sleeved cotton shirt. I hated him because he had bad breath, he wore thick black rimmed eyeglasses that made his face look like a raccoon’s and worst of all, he actually lived downstairs from me and could always hear how often I practiced – or more often – had not.

     The routine was always the same: He came upstairs on Saturday mornings – when everyone else in the world was either watching cartoons or playing outside -- had a cup of coffee with my mom and then headed straight to the piano, metronome in hand. He asked me if I had practiced, I reluctantly answered that I had, he would in fact tell me that I hadn’t because if I had he would have heard it -- and then we would get on with the morning’s lesson.

     It was on the day that he pulled out his battered copy of Hanon: The Virtuoso Pianist, Solo’s For Agility that the problems really began. Apparently, not only was I to play and practice a boring book of music filled with songs nobody’s ever heard of, but now each finger had to be on a designated key regardless of where it had been just the millisecond before. Since there are 7 notes to a scale and each hand has only five fingers I was meant to do some impossible finger acrobatics on both hands simultaneously to somehow cover all the keys without my hands ever leaving the piano! Presto!!

     The following Saturday morning, same routine -- only this time I had managed to tie my fingers up into knots while attempting Hannon’s finger acrobatics. In utter frustration, Gary slammed his hands down onto the keyboard and accused me of not practicing. I assured him that I had and he yelled over his shoulder while storming out of the house that if I practiced piano as much as I practiced lying I might be able to play the darn thing! And, that was the end of my piano lessons.

     Thirty years later, and still unable to play the piano, Gary’s parting comments ring in my head, making me realize that at every moment of every day we are all practicing something – and whatever we choose to practice, we get really good at! If I am on line in the supermarket getting aggravated that the cashier is taking her sweet old time, I am practicing being aggravated. If my neighbor’s dog barks relentlessly at 6 AM waking me from a sound sleep every morning and I never bring it to my neighbor’s attention, I am practicing self disrespect. If I constantly leave important things for the last minute, I am practicing procrastination – not to mention that when I finally choose to complete the task, I am always practicing being under with pressure and filled with frenzy. These things we practice over and over again eventually become reflex actions. Perhaps that’s why Gary wanted me to practice finger acrobatics – eventually those finger movements would have just become natural.

     So Gary, wherever you are, thank you for a wonderful life lesson. I may never have control over the things life tosses my way, but if I practice better responses I can always make a more enjoyable time of it. Acceptance and patience while on a slow moving line at the supermarket? Hey, it couldn’t hurt!

SEEKING A TEACHER by Neil Selden 3.18.2011

2011-03-18T19:39:00.000-04:00

“Follow without hesitation, those who are the possessors

of love, you shall surely achieve your good. Follow only

those who try by strength, skill and tact for the welfare of

all beings, you shall surely achieve your good. Follow

them alone who never hurt anyone by word or deed, but

never indulge evil, you shall surely achieve your good.”

Thakur

   When seeking an opportunity for growth and positive change, I think it might be best to approach a potential teacher, mentor, coach or therapist slowly, even warily, and to do so in a common-sense and investigative manner. For example, although I do not admire some of the personal predilections of Chogyam Trungpa, I have learned useful practices from reading several of his books and four books by his woman disciple Pema Chodran, who seems fresh, alive, existentially grounded in a practical approach to Buddhism, and very easy to understand. I've been impressed and grateful for Trungpa's books and by his establishment of Naropa University in Colorado. But I know from a scientific point of view that I must take responsibility for testing and experimenting in a safe and common-sense way the ideas and practices he or anyone recommends, remembering that any teacher-- in any spiritual or psychotherapeutic path-- is only a signpost pointing out possibilities already alive--- though often buried—the love and wisdom deep within ourselves that can never be destroyed.

   Danger lies in the predilection from which all humans suffer to imitate the behaviors, attitudes and even personalities of those in whom we see greater wisdom than our own. There is nothing wrong with learning by imitation, as long as you are experimenting scientifically and without being obsessive or compulsive or attached to the ways of thinking, speaking and acting that you are choosing to imitate.

   A Hindu existentialist teacher called Thakur, whom I never met, whose teachings I was introduced to by various disciples in America and India, told potential students of his, “Before you take me as your teacher, spend at least twenty-four hours at my side, see how I eat, how I sleep and bathe, how I relate to my wife and children, relatives, friends and students, and see if I live the way you want to live.”

   One suggestion I can make, if you are interested in the Christian, Buddhist, Jewish, Yogic, Sufi, Muslim, Quaker or Existentialist or any other path of transformation, is to do some serious reading about that path. Before you jump head first or feet first into any long-term spiritual/psychological undertaking, I can unequivocally recommend, in addition to any books by Pema Chodron, as well as Open Heart, Open Mind by Father Keating, The Way of the Heart by Jack Kornfield, any book by Eknath Easwaran or Eckhart Tolle and Chogyam Trungpa and Ayya Khema.

   In my own work with myself and my world, I have used as guides and teachers men and women who have clearly shown themselves able to act with loving-kindness, compassion, joy and peace and creativity, even when they face blame, personal losses, failure and discomfort, people I have lived with, walked with, dined with, argued with and loved, whose love for me I have felt with clarity and depth, whose teachings I have tested and found to create happiness untainted by the suffering life can cast upon us all, men and women I have experienced as able to look upon me with empathy, genuineness, unconditional positive regard, strength, skill and tact.

   This is not to say that the writings and teachings of teachers imperfect in their personal relationships cannot be highly useful signposts on the way to peace and joy and gratitude and freedom, they can, as long as we remain aware and awake enough to eschew imitation of their destructive speech and behaviors.

   Keep your eyes and ears open, you will also be able to learn many lessons for living with loving-kindness from those extra-ordinarily ordinary folks who never imagine themselves as teachers,. I cannot forget, for example, the cleaning lady in the hospital where my beautiful and inimitably strong and happy and caring sister-in-law, Dawn Imbrie died-- the cleaning lady who was sweeping the floor in Dawn’s room and stopped to offer a smile of such gentleness and love, while reaching out to wipe away the tears of my grieving wife.

   And sometimes there is no greater teacher than a child still allowed to be wild, spontaneous, creative, and true to her body.

peacejoyjusticecompassiongratitude

Neil

TIGER MOMS, ATTACHMENT PARENTING, AND ‘IT DOESN’T MATTER’ CHILD-REARING by Margie Nichols 3.10.2010

2011-03-10T21:18:00.002-05:00

   I’m not a fan of attachment parenting. I won’t get into snarky but humorous commentary on the subject, let’s just say I’d rather stick hot pokers in my eyes.

   But I’m not enamored of Tiger Moms, either, not just because of the meaness factor but also because I couldn’t care less if my offspring go to Yale or make a ton of money. And I’d feel horrible imposing such extraordinary demands on a child.

   I’m an ‘it doesn’t matter’ Mom. On many, many child-rearing issues that people argue passionately about, I believe: it doesn’t matter. Not the little stuff, anyway. Like how you give birth or whether you do the attachment thing or feed the kid on a schedule and let her cry herself to sleep. Like whether you do day care at six weeks or stay home till the kid’s in college. Even, ultimately, whether you breast feed or not (I’m ducking rotten tomatoes from the La Leche League as I write this).

   Think that’s heresy? I’m not the only heretic. The first time this point of view rocked the world of psychology was when Judith Harris published “The Nurture Assumption.” Harris had spent many years writing developmental psychology textbooks and in so doing had an extremely broad and comprehensive view of ALL research on child development. She concluded that: nothing mattered. Or, to be more precise, she came to believe that one of the fundamental premises of child psychology – the belief that parents and family are the primary influences in a child’s life- was completely wrong. A careful review of the research, Harris maintained, showed that genetics and community – peers and schools - influence the way children turn out much more than parental child-rearing methods. Apart from abuse and neglect, your approach makes no difference. As she said, if the research shows(controlling for economics) no difference in outcome for children of divorce versus children with both parents, no difference for children of lesbian versus heterosexual couples, no difference for kids put in childcare versus kids with stay at home moms – why would anyone expect comparatively subtle differences in parenting styles to have an impact?

And now, this month, the Psychotherapy Networker has published a piece by perhaps the leading developmental psychologist in the world, Harvard’s Jerome Kagan, that skewers attachment theory. And in the process, Kagan’s subtext is: it doesn’t matter. Kagan points out that despite vast differences in child rearing practices- Chinese babies raised communally (under Mao Zedong); German infants left to ‘cry it out’ without being picked up; American children fed and held on demand- there’s no evidence of differences in mental illness in adults from those different cultures.

   Kagan has spent a lot of his life studying temperament – whether a baby is born fussy or calm, smiling or irritable. He’s concluded that genetically determined temperament influences outcome quite a bit: the highly sensitive, reactive baby tends to be anxious and fearful of new experiences as a teenager. Many parents of more than one child understand the concept of temperamental differences. They know that kids just pop out different from one another, that they sometimes seem, especially in retrospect, to have had distinctive personalities from the start, personalities that as parents we watched unfold, rather than shaped.

   What’s the take-home in all of this? I’m not advocating giving up on child-rearing, quite the contrary. I am suggesting that, if it really doesn’t matter – why not raise your kid in the way that is most comfortable for you and seems to suit the child? If you like never putting your baby down – do it. If it works better for you to go back to work after a few weeks – do THAT. Once you are freed from the tyranny of believing that there is one right way to raise children, you can intuitively figure out your own parenting style and what your children need. If it doesn’t matter – you’re free to do what matters to you.
(Read Kagan's article here: http://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/magazine/currentissue/1269-bringing-up-baby)

IPG TO OFFER MORE THAN 50% FEE DISCOUNT TO THOSE OUT OF WORK by Margie Nichols 3/6/2011

2011-03-06T20:04:00.003-05:00

Until recently, I had an article on my office door from 2009 titled "Psychotherapy Can Boost Happiness More Than Money." The analysis of data on thousands of Brits who provided info about their mental health suggested that about $1500 worth of therapy made people as happy as a raise of nearly $42,000.

    Therapy is 32 times more cost-effective than money at improving well-being.

     But not when you're out of work. Or underpaid. Or have no insurance. Therapy may be better than a big raise, but it's not better than being able to pay the rent or mortgage.

    And for those who ARE in troubled financial straits......just when they could use therapy the most, they can't afford it.

    So we've decided to help. We've always discounted our fees whenever we could for people with no insurance. But now we've freed up some therapists and time slots in the Highland Park and Jersey City offices. This means we can offer fees less than half of what we usually charge, for new clients without insurance or in financial difficulty.

    Call 800-379-9220 if you are new to IPG and want to take advantage of this, and mention you saw the reduced fee offer online. Jamie or Nancy will help you out.

    There's little stress to compare with the worry of not being able to meet basic needs for you and your family. And stress triggers depression, anxiety, and other problems that can make it harder to function - at a time you can't afford to NOT function. So get some help. And, if it's appropriate, call us.

For Andre: BEING EVERYBODY, GOING EVERYWHERE 2/3/2011 by Neil Selden

2011-02-03T15:58:00.000-05:00

“Laugh at your own suffering, and weep for the grief of others.” -Thakur

“The deeper that sorrow carves into our being, the more joy we can contain.”-Kahlil Ghibran

“I’m nobody, who are you? Are you nobody too?

Good, then there’s a pair of us, don’t tell,

they’ll banish us, you know.”

-Emily Dickinson

“No matter what our afflictions, we are meant by the Absolute Oneness that is God to laugh, to sing, to dance, these are the highest and purest forms of prayer.” -Rabbi Baal Shem Tov

“Think of the suffering of others, picturing vividly in your mind their sorrows and anxieties, so to awaken a deep compassion for them in your soul, and to help relieve their suffering.” -Buddha

“Tell me about it if it’s something human. Let me into our grief.” -Robert Frost

“And like a laughing string, on which mad fingers play,

within a place of stone, be secret and exult, because,

of all things known, that is most difficult.”
W.B. Yeats, To A Friend Whose Work Has Come To Nothing

“The weak and wounded have a secret power to touch us, and if we open our hearts to them, we become more human.” -Jean Vanier, founder of the Arche communities, “little places where love is possible.”

     Laughing at my own suffering, and weeping for the grief of others is without doubt the meditation practice I most wish to escape. However, I deeply believe in the benefits this meditation has bestowed on me and will continue to bestow, in many mysterious ways, but most patently—and unpredictably-- in my often overflowing daily joy-juice container.

   I don’t know why it took me forty years of the daily meditation taught by a profoundly loving and giving Hindu existentialist called Thakur, before I took seriously his recommended practice of laughing at our own suffering, and weeping for the grief of others. From all whom I talked with on our visit to India, Thakur, who died before my wife and I visited India, never turned anyone away, never kicked anyone out, and lovingly provided food, shelter and practical ideas for living skillfully and joyfully.

   I have been practicing the meditation taught by Thakur to Ray Hauserman, an American from Ohio, who lived and worked with Thakur from 1945 until Thakur’s passing in 1969. Returning to America, Ray transformed my life, my wife’s life, and the lives of a number of other individuals, and we all began sharing our use of Thakur’s existential practices thirty and forty years ago.

   At a recent meeting of our small but inspiring ‘satsang’, what Thakur called a ‘Community of Lovers of Existence’, it was fascinating to me, when I spoke about my daily practise of ‘ laugh at your own suffering, and weep for the grief of others’, that none of my totally trusted and admired spiritual friends thought it possible to laugh at whatever pain one might be feeling at the moment. None of them thought such a practice might be worthwhile, and a few questioned whether it can be healthy to invite into oneself the suffering of others and weep for them.

   To me, the practice of feeling my own pain, and laughing out loud at that pain, as well as feeling my way into the suffering of others, and weeping for them,has become one of the most powerful, energizing and rewarding things I include in my morning menu of activities which create for me a wellspring of joy.

   How does it work? Laughing at my own exhaustion, my own sorrows, my own anxieties, my own regrets and guilt, not only most often evaporates the toxic feelings, but also puts me into the position of a spectator, watching the drama-comedy of my mind and body and world, enabling me more and more often to dwell in pure awareness, pure being.

   Moreover, such a practice—what Ayya Khema called, “Being Nobody, Going Nowhere”, and Thich Nhat Hanh called the heavenly Nirvana feeling of “emptiness, signlessness, aimlessness”, and what Krishnamurti pointed out as the joy of “choiceless awareness” in which one simply observes non-judgementally the coming and going of signals from one’s body and one’s mind and the immediate, surrounding world, thus releasing any identification or attachment to emotions, memories, mental constructions, thoughts, physical sensations —such a practice brings with it not only profound compassion for others, but a flood of delight at rejoicing in the joy of others, in other words, being everybody, going everywhere.

   When I experience the suffering of others as my own, I often weep and sob with my entire body, but never in a toxic way, and when I feel the joy of others as my own, that joy seems in some ways far more real and liberating than the satisfactions and pleasures I experience when I am praised, when I gain material things I’ve longed for, when I find success and comfort.

   But I must admit that sometimes I long to flee from Thakur’s practice, which I believe was also the practice of Rabbi Jesus and the Buddha, and all those in every spiritual tradition who have studied how the mind and the body and the world interact. I yearn to escape that practice when the mountain of sorrows in the world looks to my ego as if I will be hopelessly and forever enmired.

    That ego fear kicked in most recently when my mind stirred up thoughts about a blind, aged, hungry, homeless beggar lying prone on the road, holding his head in pain—a photo of him I’ve kept in my kitchen to remind me of the suffering of others—and it momentarily scared the crap out of me to think of myself in such a situation, no way out, no way to find peace. What could anyone possibly do to relieve so much hopelessness?

    On the heels of that hopelessness came the memory of my brother-in-law, Bob Imbrie, who, in spite of terrible physical suffering (PTSD from being badly burned in the most savage no-quarter fighting against the Japanese in New Guinea, and later in civilian life a blow to his head that caused severe and intermittent life-long pain) was able to use the practices he had built up over decades to create inner joy, a joy so powerful that he almost never failed to love and create, despite the searing pain.

   I remember vividly the time Bob told me, peacefully and lovingly, that he might have to go out a window if the pain became any worse.

   My thoughts of Bob led to a sudden and truly enjoyable realization (perhaps only a fantasy, but what a beautiful fantasy for the mind to manufacture for my great relief) that I do know what I would at least try to do, were I that blind, homeless, hungry beggar on the side of a dusty road.

   I would laugh—and sing—and if I couldn’t dance with my legs, I would dance with my fingers. I would practice the four meditations I do every morning. I would recite every inspirational passage I have worked so hard to learn by heart. I would sing every song, recite every poem, and allow my body also to scream the agony, scream for help, without bitterness if no help comes.

   Bob taught me my own potential for unending compassion and radiant joy. Though he died twenty-eight years ago, I still remember vividly what he shared with me one day, while we were collaborating on our first play together, SOMEONE COMIN’ HUNGRY, which was produced Off-Broadway in 1969: “Total acceptance of reality makes life a beautiful fairy tale. I have learned two things, Neil: I know how to hold out my arms, and I know how to scream.”

A LETTER TO PEMA 1/11/11 by Neil Selden

2011-01-11T19:11:00.000-05:00

       Ah, dear, dear Pema Chodron (or whatever your name

was when you were growing up in the Big Apple, where I too did

my growing), I adore the freshness, vivacity and revelations of

your teachings and the sharing of your own personal struggles.

Each of the four books of yours that I have so vividly underlined

and underlined and underlined, contain freshets of the friendly

truths I have discovered through my teachers and my own meditation,

truths I continue to rediscover. I have no doubt that your writings

have invigorated my daily meditations. Gratefully, I find myself

made more alive by words of yours that have penetrated and

nurtured my own psycho-spiritual practices.

     Not long ago, meditating, after reading you, Pema, there

flashed inside me a new answer to why I so often cry at the end of

any beautiful, meaningful movie (e.g., Man On Fire, John Q,

Tootsie, Now Voyager, Tender Mercies, Secrets and Lies). For

years I have thought I cry because of the beauty of those movies,

or because my ego jealously thinks I will never accomplish in my

own plays and movies work so achingly, and hilariously, and sadly

true and touching. Now I know another and deeper reason for my

tears. I cry because I have come to love the characters, and

when the screen goes dark and they are gone from my life, I

miss them.

     The insights that arise in meditation are sometimes painful,

but always a source, in my experience, of future happiness.

Years of daily meditation have taught me the unending

treasure in my tears, and now I can enjoy them even more, since

I know they flow from the broken-heartedness of love.

----Neil R. Selden

THE GOOD ENOUGH LIFE: REFLECTION FOR 2011: 1/8/11 by Margie Nichols, Ph.D.

2011-01-08T12:21:00.000-05:00

    In the sex therapy field there is a wonderful concept put out by my colleague Barry McCarthy called “good enough sex.” Modeled after the old psychodynamic concept of the “good enough mother,” it proposes that people’s idealized visions of what should be – the perfect mother, the perfect sexual experience, the perfect partner – get in the way of enjoying what they ‘really’ can have.

    I think we need a concept of the ‘good enough life.’ I’m a boomer who has been around for a while, I came of age in the sixties, my life has been almost a caricature of a sixties lefty chick. Among many, many other adventures I’ve had in my life, good and bad, I weathered losing countless young gay male friends from 1983 through 1996, and in 2004 I lost a child, my daughter Jesse, not quite ten years old at her death.

    Whatever ills aging brings, it also, if you’re lucky, brings perspective. After my daughter died I felt I never would be happy again. For quite a while I felt I was living primarily for my other children. Only in the last year or two have I reached a ‘tipping point’ where my life felt more positive than negative.

    As I begin 2011, here is what I realize: it’s probably true that I will never be as happy again, certainly not in the particular ways I was happy, as I felt before Jesse died. But I’m happy enough. I have a rich life: family and friends I adore, a profession that is an avocation, a business that is a challenge, but an exciting one, and enough money to live comfortably and not worry.

    That’s more than probably 95% of the people in the world have. This is not a perfect life, but it is a ‘good enough’ life, and for that I am grateful. I enter 2011 realizing that my cup runneth over.

WANDERING MIND 12.21.10 by Neil Selden, L.C.S.W.

2010-12-21T18:44:00.001-05:00

“The ability to think about what is not happening is a cognitive achievement that comes at an emotional cost.” -Killingsworth and Gilbert

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble,

whatever is right, whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—

if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—

think about such things."
--Paul, the New Testament

     It seems that most people spend about half of their time thinking about being somewhere else, or doing something other than what they are doing, and this seemingly endless stream of thoughts ends up making them unhappy.

     According to the newest research by Harvard psychologists Killingsworth and Gilbert, reported in the journal Science, ‘mind wandering’ is generally the cause, not the consequence of reported unhappiness.

     So often clients have come to us to help them stop the painful, repetitive and often obsessive thoughts that create what they call stress, but which usually turns out to be some form of toxic emotion, generally anxiety, disappointment, anger, shame or disgust.

     To still that river of flotsam and jetsam thoughts, mental images, memories, mental constructions of the future, most people turn to sex, which does the trick momentarily, or some other totally absorbing activity, be it mountain climbing, parachute jumping, drugs, alcoholism, workaholism, eating, violence, —the list is endless.

     Seeking relief from the swarming preoccupations of one’s mind is probably the cause for many addictions that temporarily ease the suffering caused by the chaotic or obsessive thought-stream, the mind that observers in the East call the “monkey mind”. Most human beings are addicted to various juicy positive or negative thoughts that swill around in our awareness. Such thoughts are most often attached to the ‘eight worldly concerns’: praise/blame, gains/losses, success/failure, comfort/discomfort, thoughts that are the opposite sides of the coin of ego that keeps flipping us from happiness to unhappiness. Thoughts of praise and gains and success and comfort give us momentary pleasure, but such thoughts are Siamese twins with thoughts of blame, losses, failure and discomfort, thoughts that cause unhappiness.

     And so, we spend much of our time, when not totally absorbed in our addictions, hurrying to find more distractions that lead to temporary relief from the see-saw of positive and negative feelings attached to the eight worldly concerns. This endless up and down creates for many of us what Thoreau called “quiet desperation”. The only way human beings studying the mind/body/world dynamic have developed to reduce and even eliminate that quiet desperation is-- to my knowledge-- some form of meditation, and some specific concentration practices.

     In meditation we practice watching the monkey mind busy at its antics. Watching and letting go of the flotsam and jetsam, one becomes stronger and stronger in one’s ability to watch and persist in watching, without resisting or judging, to accept and to let go of mind contents, physical sensations and emotions.

     In meditation we build the habit of letting go of poisonous mind contents, and in concentration practice we improve our ability to think, speak and act skillfully, lovingly, joyfully, gratefully, peacefully.

     We also become stronger and stronger in our ability to make conscious decisions about what thoughts, speech and actions will nurture our personal happiness and the happiness of others.

     And, as we can see in the New Testament passage quoted above—also clearly and poetically framed in the Old Testament, and in various Buddhist, Hindu and Sufi writings—for thousands of years those individuals who have studied the mind/body/world/ oneness have all discovered ways to change our toxic, runaway thinking, in the service of love.

     We are on our way to freeing ourselves from slavery to the mind when we become convinced that our problem is that we have not learned and practiced how to become a spectator of our mind/body/world, how to give up our identification with our mind and body, how to become our true selves, a godgiven pure awareness, pure being, pure consciousness, sitting in the audience and observing and enjoying (and sometimes weeping gratefully) at the comedy/tragedy of mind interacting with body interacting with the world.

     I have learned from Tolle’s “The Power of Now” what I knew intuitively but had no way to express, namely that Pure Awareness leads to self-less states of being that have no opposites: loving kindness, compassion, forgiveness, gratitude, joy, peace and wisdom.

   The Buddha taught, simply and forcefully, that when a person thinks or acts with a self-less thought, joy follows that person as “a shadow that never leaves”.

   To help us delve into that law of existence so simply put forth by the Buddha, Ayya Khema, a Buddhist nun and Jewish grandmother, wrote a beautiful book with the title “Being Nobody, Going Nowhere”. When my Buddhist son Michael, father of my two delicious granddaughters, suggested I read Ayya Khema’s book, I knew, the moment I heard him speak the title, that a fresh and exciting ride awaited me in the amusement park of freedom.

HOLIDAY BLUES 12.18.10 by Margie Nichols

2010-12-18T22:19:00.004-05:00

The winter holidays are hailed as a time for family, gift giving, and happiness, yet for many they are the most miserable time of the year. Lots of reasons for this:   these days evoke memories of horrible childhood holidays that still seem to overwhelm the present; they evoke memories of wonderful childhood holidays that will never be equaled; they always fall short of the cultural expectations of the perfect, loving, connected family.

   And then there are more mundane reasons: many people are sensitive to the loss of light that reaches its peak right before Christmas; many exercise less in the busy holiday season, and both light and exercise are clearly connected to depressed mood. Add to that the increased carbohydrate and alcohol intake and there can be multiple physical factors adding to the blue outlook.

   This year the economy makes the season even potentially gloomier. Sales of clothing outweight those of big ticket items for the holidays, and it is seen as an 'economic indicator' that more 'Dear Santa' letters ask for clothing and even food instead of toys.

   How can you beat the 'Holiday Blues?' Start with 'radical acceptance': our imperfect human lives will never match the Photoshopped images in our head of how we think our lives should go -- AND THAT'S OKAY. Try to have a realistic attitude about the holidays and perhaps even a sense of humor about the out-sized expectations and disappointments of the season. Pay attention to your 'light intake' and get outside as much as possible, and make sure you keep up some exercise, if only walking. Watch your food and sleep patterns. If you are plagued by painful memories from the past, don't try to immediately push them away. Allow the memories to move across your mind's eye while you just notice them, and remind yourself that they are in the past. If you are bummed thinking your best days are behind you - look around and notice all the things you have to be grateful for TODAY. Chances are memory has smoothed the ragged edges of some of those memories, anyway.

     And do try to connect with what might be seen as the universal 'best' spirit of these days. In pagan as well as modern traditions, this season is about peace, love, charity, compassion, and joy. It is about new beginnings, about the shortest day - the Winter Solstice -- followed by the slow return of the light. And try to remember that this season commemorates darkness before the light, and holiday blues can, with some effort, morph into New Year's hope and optimism.

I Need A New Drug- I'm Human! 12/12/2010 by Margie Nichols, Ph.D.

2010-12-12T14:33:00.000-05:00

"One of the criticisms leveled against the APA for removing homosexuality as a disorder is that science does not advance by a vote of hands. These critics forget that any list is produced by a group of people who vote for or against it in the first place. “ ---Charles Silverstein, Ph.D.

    I've just read an article written by my friend and colleague Charles Silverstein, a psychologist who was instrumental in helping get homosexuality removed from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual in the early 70’s. In a piece to appear in an upcoming newsletter of a division of the American Psychological Association, Charles recounts the history of how the removal came about from the point of view of a gay professional activist in New York.

   He begins in 1972, with the disruption by gay activists of a meeting of behavioral psychotherapists who used ‘aversion therapy’ – electric shocks to the body – to ‘cure’ homosexuality, . That led to a presentation to the Nomenclature Committee of the American Psychiatric Association. The “Nomenclature Committee” determines what is in the DSM – the “Bible” of psychiatric illness. Literally, the Nomenclature Committee at the time decided by vote what was sick and what was normal. It’s not much different today – just more committees.
    In preparation for his presentation, Charles took a ‘scholarly activist’ approach:

I decided to spend my time reading about all the diagnostic systems that had ever been invented to classify human behavior, to understand their structure as social documents reflecting the worries of their times. I began to see these systems as a means of identifying people whose behavior was inexplicable, therefore feared, and, for that reason, condemned.

It was not possible to read this material without chuckling. Most of the diagnostic categories consisted of socially disapproved behavior. Examples in the DSM from 1968 included lying, stealing, the fear of getting syphilis, or simply being a cranky person.

    But not everything about diagnosis is funny. Charles also realized that the people who determined the contents of the DSM were responsible for providing justification for the oppression of gay people, and that one of the biggest obstacles to changing the homosexuality diagnosis is that many psychiatrists and psychologists made their livelihood from ‘curing’ it and their professional reputations staked on ‘studying’ it.

    It is impossible to read Charles’ story without drawing parallels to today’s DSM revision, still in progress. The same social biases still determine what is considered ‘sick’ and ‘normal,’ the same bad science (or no science) drives the process. The decisions are still made by ‘experts’ who are biased by the fact that their reputations and income depend on the inclusion of certain diagnostic categories. Decisions about which sex and gender identity variations are considered normal or sick are being made by old white conservative dudes who make their livings ‘curing’ the disorders they are voting upon. Decisions about what constitutes too much sex or too little sex are being made by professionals who are on the payroll of pharmaceutical companies looking for new sexual diseases to medicate – like sex addiction or hypoactive sexual desire. The entire DSM process, this time around, is dominated and influenced by Big Pharma, something that didn’t play as big a role in the 1970’s. So, arguably, DSM5 will be even more corrupt and unscientific than its earlier predecessors.

     This brings me to the title of this piece. One of my favorite comments on the DSM situation was made by a psychiatrist named Paul Chodoff in 2005, in a letter to the editor of the Psychiatric News:

“ I would like to suggest a new diagnostic entity for DSM-V. The diagnosis is “the human condition.” Diagnostic criteria would be any combination of the following:

For children: (1) distractability, (2) being fidgety, (3) disobedience, (4) disliking school.

For adults: (1) unhappiness, (2) nervousness, (3) shyness, (4) dissatisfaction with one's looks, (5) dissatisfaction with one's sexual performance, (6) getting angry, (7) playing the horses, (8) getting upset when things go wrong, (9) preferring one's own company, (10) showing off, and (11) orderliness.

The advantages of this diagnosis are that it would facilitate insurance reimbursement, dispose of the bothersome problem of co-morbidity, and encourage the quest for a drug to cure the disorder of being human. “

    Makes sense to me. As much sense as any of the other diagnoses. I need a new drug - I’m suffering from the human condition.

Hello, Ego! A Meditation-Poem by Neil Selden 11.30.10

2010-11-30T19:26:00.001-05:00

How easily the ego

enriches delusion

bitches at what is

itches for what is not

pitches its tent in the hot

shit of jealousy

ditches reality

kitsch it applauds

ignores love-ability

hitches its wagon

to whichever star

happens to twinkle

stitch by stitch

and twitch by twitch

until we itch for what IS

bitch at what is not the IS

pitch a tent in a youth

beyond truth

love the inanity of kitsch

no more, nor the twinkling

whore's core of a door

that is no door,

and laugh the False Self

into its most aimless

interbeing of selflessness,

without inflicting history

upon the joys of misery

Neil

GIVING THANKS: STEAK AND GRATITUDE 11.24.10 by Margie Nichols

2010-11-24T12:06:00.000-05:00

     One night last week I offered my daughters steak for dinner and my 15 year old, Ale, turned up her nose. “Steak AGAIN?” she complained. At first my jaw dropped in surprise and a little righteous indignation –I sure didn’t take steak for granted when I was growing up!

     Then I remembered.

     My daughter Jesse wasn’t supposed to die, we had survived two months of brain surgery, rollercoaster ups and downs, and now she was safely in rehab where the only question was how long before she would talk and walk again. The tumor had manifested very late, and very ambiguously, until suddenly in March 2004 she seized again and again and was admitted to the hospital. She never returned home again.

     After the shock and numbness began to fade, I realized how unprepared I was to lose the daughter who was my closest companion in life. I had been a single Mom with a twenty-year old son away at college and a nine-year old daughter with a learning disability who required extra parenting . Jesse and I were extremely close. Her face greeted me when I opened my eyes every morning and was the last thing I saw at night.

     I knew I wasn’t done with parenting. I knew I could never replace Jesse, but I had a physical craving to care for children, and after only a few months I realized I could satisfy some of that need in a way that would benefit everyone and honor my Guatemalan-born angel.

     And a year later, I brought my daughters Alejandra and Diana came home from Guatemala. Ale and Di are sisters abandoned to an institution in Guatemala City called an ‘hogar.’ Hogars are home to some orphans, but mostly to the large numbers of children given up by parents who cannot feed them. These hogars are themselves impoverished, supported by meager contributions from their sponsoring church and by the rare foreign adoption. The children are marginally better off than if they on the streets, and they are basically warehoused until the age of eighteen. Nobody adopts older children, everyone wants healthy infants.

     My daughters had been left at the hogar when Ale was four and Di was about a year. It took five years for the government to declare them ‘abandonado’ and another year and a half until I brought them home. In their short lives they had experienced hunger and starvation, loss, physical and mental abuse, and extreme neglect, unlike anything I’ve ever seen in my United States middle class life. I’m talking bug-ridden gruel for breakfast and nothing else until a thin garlic soup for dinner. The hogar had no flushing toilets, no hot water, one caretaker for fifty children. The euphemistically named ‘school’ was without books, paper, or pencils. The girls were punished by starvation, beatings, sleeping outside in the cold, kneeling for hours on uncooked rice. They arrived here with lice, tuberculosis, and giardia, funguses, rotting teeth, and eyes badly needing glasses.

     Five years later, standing in the kitchen looking at my steak-disdaining child, I remembered when I first met them. I remembered them staying with me at the Guatemala City Marriott, the looks on their faces at the buffet breakfast , awestruck at being able to eat as much as they wanted. They spent twenty minutes in the bathroom running their hands under hot water in the sink (“Que rica!” they said – “how rich!”) and they had to be shown how to flush the toilet.

And now, a MERE five years later, Ale is turning up her nose at steak. Some people might think she’s spoiled. I’m grateful she’s a normal teenager, and humbled by the strength it took her to get to normal. I know of no one as courageous as my two girls, no one who has overcome worse odds. It’s such a lovely thing to be able to ‘spoil’ them, to feed them so well that they have the luxury of being picky. I’m comforted that although Jesse is lost to me forever, her spirit lives on in these precious girls, her sisters. I’m grateful that all three of us were given second chances. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

STILL SEVEN AFTER ALL THESE YEARS 11.18.10 by Susan Menahem, L.C.S.W.

2010-11-18T19:54:00.000-05:00

     When I was growing up, my sisters and I were expected to clean off the table and do the dishes after every night after dinner. Preferring anything to cleaning up dishes, I used to fake stomach aches after every big meal and headed to the bathroom as soon as the last person finished the last bite. I occupied my time reading shampoo bottles until I heard the liberating sound of the dishwasher hum – which meant the kitchen was clean and I could once again rejoin society! This strategy proved to be wildly successful until my parents became concerned about my lack of digestive abilities and took me to the doctor where I wound up confessing in the car on the way to the appointment. Cleaning dishes was one thing but going to a doctor’s appointment was something else! I was forced to choose the lesser of two evils.

    Today, when we get together for holidays and special occasions, since even the nieces and nephews are almost adults, the women do all the cooking, preparing, and cleaning while the men do all the eating, sitting and TV watching. That equation used to bother me until I realized that the women were actually having more fun! And, although cleaning up dishes is still not my favorite activity, for as long as I can remember, I’ve brought along my own apron to family dinners and have taken my place in the kitchen, along side the rest of the woman, happily sharing in family gossip.

     My own apron and all and still it never fails! After almost 40 years, inevitably at the conclusion of every family dinner, someone will tease “Where’s Susan?? Has anybody checked the bathroom??” And everybody will laugh. Where is Susan you ask?? Most often she’s standing at the kitchen sink clad in her very own apron and up to her elbows in soap suds!!! A few months ago the question came from my 22 year old niece who wasn’t even alive when I was 7 and faking stomach aches!!!!

     I used to wonder how many years had to pass before I would get the benefit of the doubt of adulthood and responsibility. Then I realized that I probably never will get that benefit. There’s a tremendous family investment in each person staying in their assigned role so that other family members know where they stand and what’s expected of them. If you were a screw up, a goody-goody, mom’s favorite or the family con-artist chances are there will always be reference to it when it’s family get together time.

     We make our changes to make our lives easier and to better ourselves as human beings. We may never get the family validation for our self improvements but that doesn’t mean we can’t own them and be proud of them. Additionally, when we are around family, we can’t allow old patterns to re-emerge simply because some family members continue to see us in a certain way.

     With the holidays rapidly approaching, and family gatherings planning their way onto our personal calendars we will all inevitably hear a reference to some previous incarnation of our former selves. Rather than getting upset and taking it personally, when your turn comes, smile to yourself and think of me standing at the kitchen sink, soap bubbles in my hair while my nephew’s current girlfriend asks “So where’s Aunt Susan? Has anyone checked the bathroom?”

BOOK REVIEW of: Coming Out, Coming Home: Helping Families Adjust to a Gay or Lesbian Child 11.9.2010 by Michael Moran, L.C.S.W/

2010-11-09T14:45:00.000-05:00

    With the tragedy of Rutgers student Tyler Clemente’s suicide this past September, the pivotal importance of positively impacting mainstream culture of the issues and experiences our lesbian and gay children face has painfully hit our radar. Too many lesbian and gay adolescents continue to be harassed -- GLSEN’s recent National School Climate study indicates that 84.6% of LGBT youth are verbally harassed, 40.1% are physically harassed, and 52.9% experience Cyberbullying*. As troubling as these statistics are, it is equally concerning that too many parents lack the understanding or ability to discuss sexuality openly with their adolescent children, too many teachers and school administrators lack the training to skillfully mitigate harassment when it occurs, and too many school systems and communities lack the resources necessary to effectively address these concerns. It is not a pretty picture. As social workers, we hold the responsibility to look this squarely in the eye, name it for what it is, and do what we can, with what we have, right where we are.

    Fortunately, we have leaders pointing the way, shining a flashlight toward our next steps for lasting change. Michael Lasala’s insightful exploration of sixty-five families, Coming Out, Coming Home, provides a colorful and detailed roadmap to understanding the journey of gay and lesbian youth, and the families that struggle to accept them. As his investigation deepens, Lasala illumines the arc of consciousness that is forged when parents refuse to let go of their lesbian/gay children. As these parents trudge down the often slippery path toward embracing their kids, at times they somehow even find the capacity to move beyond tolerance to actually integrating their children’s uniqueness into the family system and, dare we say, celebrating their sexuality.

     Lasala organizes the narratives through a series of stages he identifies that lesbian and gay families largely go through: Family Sensitization, Family Discovery (with its sub-stages), and then Family Renewal. As the stories are pulled through and explored at each stage of the coming out process, themes emerge that signify familial adaptation and growth. He also explores the implications of race and ethnicity, illustrating in some instances how the experience of families considered to be of racial minority are very similar, and in other ways they vary greatly. A running thread that Lasala wisely highlights are the effects that all of us, whether gay or straight, young or old, experience growing up in a homophobic, heterosexist culture. The kids that bully our LGBTQ kids are products of their environment just like the rest of us. As we move past the orientation of “other” to that of inclusion, we begin to see through the cracks of our limited worldview and how our beliefs and behavior impact those around us.

     As with any work of this depth, reading of the trials and tribulations of these many families challenged me to reflect upon my own upbringing with its peaks and valleys, crossroads, dead-ends and U-turns. Regardless of one’s sexual orientation and experiences, for social workers and all those in the helping professions, one walks away with a profound appreciation as to how one can facilitate positive change when working with the LGBTQ population and their families. And if you are working with parents of a lesbian or gay child, Coming Out, Coming Home is an excellent resource for bibliotherapy; not only will it help parents to be less alone and give them a context for their own feelings and reactions, it will instill in them what is an underpinning of our work…a felt sense of hope.

* GLSEN, The 2009 National School Climate Survey, Executive Summary

BOTH MICHAEL LASALA AND MICHAEL MORAN ARE STAFF THERAPISTS AT IPG

WHY TOES WIGGLE 11.6.10 by Neil Selden

2010-11-06T12:55:00.000-04:00

“Selfish thoughts are the chain of iron, self-less thoughts are the chain of gold. Lay hold of the chain of gold to free yourself from the chain of iron, and then throw both away.” Vivekenanda

     With increasing freshness, vivacity, fascination and energy, my meditation practice has been becoming, more and more, though not every day, a source of freedom from the hourly everyday seesaw of good feelings and bad feelings that was my lot before I began a serious-- forty years ago-- daily practice of meditation and concentration that kicks up from inside me unexpectedly great deeps of sorrow, and joystreaming, delightful surprises.

     The great deeps of sorrow and the joystreaming, delightful surprises have been coming and going for decades, and the insights and changes in myself are an evergrowing gift.

     Most of us feel good when life gives us what we want, and then inevitably feel bad when we lose what we want, or are afflicted with what we don’t want. We are informed by recent scientific research (and the research of meditators throughout history) that good feelings and toxic feelings are not created by the events we experience, but by thoughts we think about those events. Most folks still resist that discovery and consider it crazy wisdom, because it seems to them so obvious that events outside us are the causes of our feelings.

     That is why the discoveries of the Upanishads and Buddha and Jesus and the Baal Shem Tov and so many Sufi masters and meditators everywhere are so often considered to be crazy. When Jesus tells us that we are to be as little children if we want to experience heaven right now, when the Buddha invites us into the joy of an empty mind, when we are advised to “be nobody, going nowhere”, to let go of attachment to earthly, material treasures, including attachment to our feelings and thoughts, that sounds crazy to most of us, because, ironically, it is the earthly, material treasures and happenings that lead us to think positive thoughts and feel positive feelings.

     There’s nothing wrong with learning to rebut the toxic, selfish thoughts that inevitably create toxic feelings of anger, sadness, anxiety, disgust and shame. Using positive, unselfish thoughts to create wellbeing is a necessary step toward eventually-- whenever it serves our existence—becoming more and more skillful, as an outgrowth of meditation and other allied practices, in letting go of all mental images, memories, mental constructions, thoughts and feelings.

     This experience of being nobody, going nowhere, has been a rare but thrilling and treasured outgrowth of my meditation, and continues to inspire me to do more and more of my daily practices.

     The wellbeing that comes with unselfish thoughts is indeed to be desired, but that wellbeing is vastly different, in my journey, from what upsurges occasionally when I stumble into a state best described (though words cannot describe it) as emptiness, the empty-mindedness of every infant before it is taught to think in words, before it is subjected to the training and control of the world.

   That emptiness, along with signlessness and aimlessness, whenever I stumble into it, creates a wealth of loving kindness, compassion, forgiveness, gratitude, joy and peace.

    All this came into my mind yesterday while meditating, letting go of an occasional thought-smidgen of egoic pride that I -- Neil R. Selden!--am able at this late age to sit thirty and more minutes in a full-lotus. Extricating my legs from that prideful lotus posture-- not without the usual jump of pain-- my eye lit on my left foot, the toes seeming to move of themselves, as if playing at the behest of some mysterious force. The infinite infant within me suddenly knew a miraculous pure awareness and joy, the joy of watching the wiggle of one’s toes.

PUPPY LOVE 11.01.10 by Susan Menahem

2010-11-01T18:37:00.000-04:00

PUPPY LOVE

     I got a puppy.

     I got a puppy because my dog passed away just 9 days shy of his 13th birthday.

     I don’t know why this puppy is here, but everybody said that getting him was a good idea. The dog that passed was not just any dog. He truly was one of my best friends. He was smart, affectionate, regal and had a disposition that would make Caesar Milan take notice.

     This new puppy has ridiculous looking floppy ears and is entertained for hours by retrieving the same ball over and over. I don’t know if I will ever grow to love him because right now, I’m not even sure I like him. To top it off, I had forgotten how much work a puppy actually is.

     The thing is -- it isn’t his fault. He always greets me with a happy face and a wagging tail, he follows me wherever I go and he is so very eager to please me. The problem is, he will never be my old dog. He will never have that prideful majestic stance, he will never play the same games and he will never curl up and fit perfectly into the crook of my leg while watching TV the way my old dog did.

     And that was how it was for a while until one day we passed by a huge puddle of water on one of our walks. This little puppy jumped into the puddle and started sloshing around as if he was trying to swim! He likes the water! I suddenly began to think of all of the places I could take him and the fun we could have playing ball in the ocean, swimming in lakes and splashing around in my friends pool!

In that moment something shifted and I figured it out. I wish I could say it was in him but it wasn’t. I needed to forgive him for not being my old dog and open up to the new, albeit different, friendship that was open to us to share. I can never really have with him what I had with my old dog because the ingredients are different. And, that is sad. But, that doesn’t mean I can’t have something special and wonderful in it’s own right.

Every love is different … whether it be that of a lover, a spouse, a partner, a friend or a pet. Some loves are more intense, some more grounded, some more healing and some more predictable. To blame a new potential love for not being exactly as the old love is to stay closed off to possibility and potential. To open up to new love does not mean disloyalty to old love. Rather it can pay homage to a heart that learned how to be open and loving through its previous experiences.

And so, there I was, absorbed in a book when out of nowhere the little puppy came bounding onto my lap with a big blue ball in his mouth. And I was almost surprised but I felt warmth. And it was so nice to feel.

PFIZER KILLED MY KID: NOW THAT THE CHECK HAS CLEARED I CAN TELL THE TRUTH 10/27/10 by Margie Nichols

2010-10-27T21:41:00.001-04:00

     I believe in pharmaceuticals. I take them. We all do. Medicine- medications, drugs – are a necessary part of life. But, just as I like my car manufacturer to monitor problems with my car after it is off the lot and swiftly recall dangerous cars, I like my pharmaceutical companies to be honest about the drugs I’m taking – or the ones given to my children.

     On March 31, 2004 my nine year old daughter Jesse was admitted to a hospital with a large, slow-growing tumor. On April 2 the tumor was removed ; her prognosis was excellent. But because the tumor was large, Jesse needed extensive residential rehabilitation in a center, and because she had one post-operative seizure she was put on phenytoin(Dilantin.) While in rehab she caught a hospital bug called C.difilis and given the potent antibiotic Flagyl. Within twenty-four hours she developed a raging case of Stevens Johnson Syndrome/Toxic Epidermal Necrolysis, a syndrome induced solely by pharmaceuticals. She was taken off the Dilantin and Flagyl and transferred to a burn center ---SJS/TEN is essentially like having a chemical burn, inside and out. The disease ravaged her and she died on June 2, 2004, four days before her tenth birthday.

     This year Pfizer, the makers of both Dilantin and Flagyl, settled with Jesse’s Dad and me on a wrongful death suit. While protesting their innocence, Pfizer nevertheless attempted to require we agree to a gag order, and they asked for the court records to be sealed. But the wonderful, wise settlement judge refused. She ordered the records public. Regardless, call me cynical, but I decided to wait to speak or write publically – to wait until the check cleared.

     But now it has, so now I can tell the world: Pfizer killed my daughter Jesse.

     SJS/TEN is an entirely iatragenic disease….a disease produced by a ‘cure.’ It is an ‘adverse reaction’ to medications given for other conditions. There is no cure for SJS/TEN. All you do is withdraw the causal drug – if you can determine that – and provide medical care, preferably at a burn unit. At its most severe there is a 40% mortality rate, and the reaction is most common in children and old people, in people already immune compromised……..and in non-whites (Jesse was adopted from Guatemala, of Spanish and Mayan ancestry).

     Incredibly, reporting of adverse drug reactions is VOLUNTARY in the United States. This means that NO ONE was required to send a report to the FDA about my daughters death – and no one did! In the U.S., we leave it to the good will of the pharmaceutical industry – or the skill of investigative reporters – to let us know when their drugs are killing us (SJS/TEN, for example) or crippling us (Thalidomide-deformed babies in the 1950’s).

     Jesse’s death shows just how well the voluntary system is working out for us.

     In 2004, Pfizer already knew that Dilantin caused a lot of SJS/TEN. In fact, Dilantin, the most widely used anti-seizure medication in the world, is responsible for more cases of SJS/TEN than any other known drug. Because of that, experts consider Dilantin the seventh-line treatment for seizures in children – that means six other drugs should be tried first before you resort to Dilantin. Yet in reality, due to the success of Pfizer drug reps, the risk of SJS/TEN is played down, and it is the most commonly used anti-seizure drug for pediatric AND adults – all over the world. By 2004 Pfizer also knew that Flagyl caused SJS/TEN but vehemently denied it….right up until they finally put a ‘black box’ – ‘may cause death’ -warning on the label last year. Flagyl has never even been tested on children; it is an ‘off label’ use in pediatric cases. But off label use – uses for which a drug was not intended nor tested – is discouraged but not illegal in the United States. Pfizer also knew that Flagyl should never be used in someone taking Dilantin because it blocks the metabolism of phenytoin and increases the blood levels of the drug dramatically. This is what happened to Jesse. Within hours after the administration of Flagyl, Jesse broke out in an incredibly virulent form of the disease that burned off 90% of her skin and the epithelial linings of every internal body organ. It’s a terrible way to die, and survivors of SJS/TEN often lose their eyesight and suffer lifelong from a variety of medical problems

     How could this happen, if all these facts were known in 2004? Even if a doctor is not actually being paid by a pharmaceutical company – and lots are – all of them rely primarily on drug reps to bring them information on drug use. MD’s simply don’t have the time to comb thousands of journals a year for scientific reports of adverse events. And drug reps lie. Or, they aren’t told the truth, either.

     The FDA should be heavily monitoring adverse drug events. The FDA should be alerting doctors to dangerous drugs, or forcing Big Pharma to do so, but it doesn’t. The FDA is toothless.

     The drug companies should be labeling their drugs with more severe warnings and sending out “Dear Doctor” letters, as they are called, to let doctors know about things like the interaction between Flagyl and phenytoin. But they don’t. And they won’t unless they are made to.

     They do this for the same reason the car companies don’t recall cars early enough and hide accident reports. Actually, both industries are doing exactly the same thing. Human life is measured against dollars lost in profits if harsher warnings lead to decreased drug sales. Only when it looks like the game might be blown wide open do these industries capitulate…..just a little. Until the next time.

     The pharmaceutical industry, like any industry manufacturing products that could kill us, needs to be heavily regulated. The pharmaceutical industry won’t care about human collateral damage unless it’s too expensive not to care.

If any of this upsets you, there are some things you can do. Send this article to anyone with kids, send it to your doctors, get the word out, if you can, to pediatric docs and especially pediatric neurologists. Jesse is dead but her death won’t be entirely senseless if one mom gets her kid off Dilantin because of this article, or if one doctor stops prescribing these drugs.

And be aware. Don’t get your information about drugs from the drug companies – unfortunately, you may not be able to get reliable info even from your doctor. Question what you are prescribed, and especially what those with weaker immune systems, like children and the elderly, are prescribed. Don’t let Big Pharma kill even one more kid.

FORTY YEARS LATER 10.12.10 by Neil Selden

2010-10-12T21:07:00.000-04:00

“He who does not know that he does not know is a fool, avoid him.

She who knows that she does not know is a wise woman, seek her

company. He who does not know that he knows is a saint, love

him. She who knows that she knows is God, worship her.”

Anonymous

Something was breaking and breaking again, over and over, something in my chest, under my ribs, without pain, a flood of emotion, a cataract of sorrow and a tremendous love, bursting from my heart, the breaking of my heart such as I had never felt in forty years of daily meditation, not just an idea of it breaking but the actual sensation of something inside me being shattered, like a vessel cracking apart, waves of a sorrow beyond sorrow and a love beyond love.

    Watching it, feeling it, I remembered my darling teacher, inspiration, collaborator, brother-in-law Robert McCrea Imbrie asking me to promise to laugh every morning for five minutes with nothing to laugh at. Twenty years of daily laughing practice had taught me that no matter what I was feeling, toxic or not, I could give it up at a moment’s notice and avoid attachment to feeling, simply by intersecting the feeling with a minute or two or three or five of fake laughter, and then returning to the feeling, if it seemed appropriate and wise.

    So I forced myself to laugh for a few moments bringing vividlyto mind an image of my wise, wild and loving mentor. Allowing the laughter to wind down, once again my heart smashed apart, flooding, overwhelming my body with a nameless and measureless waterfall of sorrow and love. And then again the laughter, and stopping the laughter, again those two deep currents of sorrow and love.

    Where was such sorrow born? And what was this love, seeming to be everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I let those questions dissipate, and simply allowed what was, with non-judgement, patience, beginner’s mind, trust, non-striving, acceptance and letting go. At first I thought the experience was something special; then I knew it was the broken-heartedness, the woundedness in all beings, what Leonard Cohen might have meant when he wrote in one of his lyrics, “There is a crack in everything.”

    Later, I wondered if the experience had any connection to the brief but painful moments of humiliation I had felt after seeing the movie “Inception”, when thinking how terribly amateurish in comparison were my current efforts --at the age of 79-- to re-edit our first two 22 minute short films. Though some people had been swept away by “Final Gifts”, the ultra-low-budget first feature film my wife Lee and I had created, and though it had been honored at four film festivals, our work suddenly seemed paltry. But the humiliation lasted only moments, because I reminded my nonself that every and any act of creativity cements us into the creation of all the great works of art down through the ages.

   Finally, I realized from decades of inner experimentation with Non-Self and Interbeing that this breaking of the heart had innumerable causes, including the scene in the movie “Now Voyager” that had affected me profoundly, when Bette Davis, herself psychologically wounded, embraces the lonely, hurting twelve year old girl who has had no one to comfort her every night when she sobbed her heart out, and the girl begs, “Please don’t leave me!”and Bette Davis stays with her, healing herself as well as the girl.

    Perhaps the most rewarding result, thus far, of the heart-in-pieces phenomenon has been discovering a more immediately transformational and gratifying way to think about what I am, not who I am. This new way of thinking came to me from a long appreciation of what Kobutsu Malone-- the Celtic zen buddhist priest who ordained my son Michael—once remarked in an interview that he wanted nothing more than to be “a benevolent entity.” My version of Kobutsu’s wish for himself has become: “I am a radiant, compassionate, readiness to heal, fulfill, protect and nurture every being I see, hear, speak to, touch, hold or think of.” Granted they are mere words, but words can make the heart dance, and whenever I rehearse those words there breathes within me a joy beyond joy, a love beyond love, and indeed my heart dances.

Neil R. Selden

SHINING THE LIGHT ON PRACTICAL LOVE 10.10.10 by Susan Menahem, L.C.S.W.

2010-10-10T16:33:00.000-04:00

     Don’t we all love when Romantic Love knocks on the door and pulls up a seat at our table? Songs, poems, fairy tales and novels have claimed fame by touting the joys of Romantic Love. We’re euphoric! The birds are singing! Life has never been so worth living!

    And then, of course we have Love That Lusts! Lustful Love gets the juices flowing! To want! To yearn! The Passion! The endless sleepless nights! Sure none of us have ever really seen Lustful grow into anything, but in its throws we’re alive and on fire!

     And the sweet and tender Long Term Love. Most often born of Romantic Love, it meanders its way through life on a foundation of warmth that from time to time can flare up to heat and then settles back down to warmth.

    Well, move over folks because it’s high time that we’ve added another well deserved guest to the dinner party! Ladies and gentleman, I’d like to proudly introduce Practical Love. Echo echo echo… What? You’ve never heard of Practical Love? Hmmmm well, it’s true that I’m not familiar with any songs written about it. There hasn’t been any Hallmark Special Made For TV Movies written about it. Last time I checked there were no odes written in its honor either.

     Not fair. Not fair because Practical Love is just as legitimate as any other kind of love out there and it’s time that it was awarded its rightful place right along side the other loves.

     Practical Love is just what it sounds like. It’s a love that is bound together by practicality. You’ve made a life with someone who you’ve become wonderful friends with, maybe you share financial responsibilities, maybe you’ve agreed to co-parent, maybe you use each other as next of kin on those lengthy legal forms maybe you live together, maybe you don’t.

     You’ve learned to rely on each other, to lean on each other and there is a sense that you have “each other’s back.” Physical intimacy within the Practical Love relationship is not very common but you do share stories, a history, memories, a comfort and an understanding. In essence, you share a practical love.

     Practical Love is not a second class love and is as rightful as all of the other loves out there. While I’ve never seen a Valentines Day card written in honor of Practical Love, it’s time that Practical Lovers acknowledged the legitimacy of their relationship and acknowledged the legitimacy of their love.

     As time moves on and the nuclear family continues to disperse, as half of the societal sanctioned long term monogamous relationships continue to dissolve, as it becomes more and more difficult to make financial ends meet and as the concept of “family” continues to change Practical Love relationships will become even more common. But, for now, welcome to the ball Practical Love! You can leave the pumpkin parked outside!

WE'RE BAAAAACK....

2010-10-09T10:13:00.000-04:00

Of course, if you're old enough to understand this reference you're probably too old to be following blogs on the internet. But anyway, hopefully we'll achieve the quality of "The Shining" without the horror. Except when the things we write about are truly horrific. Like Tyler Clementi's suicide and the bullying and gay-bashing that preceded it.

But actually, our first blog post for the Fall is NOT horrific.....look for another insightful piece by Sue Menahem on "That Crazy Thing Called Love" to come later this weekend.

GOODBYE FOR AUGUST from Margie, Sue, and Neil, the IPG bloggers

2010-08-09T22:51:00.001-04:00

We're away or trying to have fun on stay-cations or just trying to have a no worries August. So no more blogging, facebook posting, or tweeting until September. We'll miss you! Look for us in September.

DIGGING FOR INSPIRATION aug 9 2010 by Neil Selden

2010-08-09T22:43:00.000-04:00

O Nobly Born, O you of glorious origins, remember your radiant true nature, the essence of mind.

Trust it. Return to it. It is home.

---Tibetan Book of the Dead

Engineers have proved conclusively that bees cannot fly, because their wings are not sufficient to sustain them

     On December 17th, 1903, newspapers around the USA, knowing with scientific certainty that heavier-than-air travel was mathematically impossible, refused to publish the report that the Wright brothers had flown a heavier than air vehicle, … Until Roger Bannister, an Australian runner, broke the mental barrier afflicting all runners, and ran the mile under four minutes, no one believed it could be done, and soon after Bannister’s record-breaking run, runners around the world, knowing for the first time that it was possible, began emulating and surpassing Bannister’s record speed…

   Antonio de Oliviera, the most famous Portuguese film director, shook hands with Clint Eastwood at the Cannes Film Festival, and then, crisp, fit, took the mike to thank the festival for acknowledging his work in film. When I saw the video of de Oliviera, and was informed that he, at one hundred and one years of age, continues to make a new film every year, my vision of my own future as a director and writer of plays and films, and as a psychotherapist, became radically and delightfully refreshed. I decided then and there to aim at living at least until one hundred and five, writing, directing plays and films, and serving others as a therapist up to the end.

    Such is the power of how we see ourselves and our future that the thought of a man like de Oliviera can transform our thinking. When Martin Luther King dared to face death, breaking dangerous barriers in his resistance to injustice, many people around the planet were inspired to follow his example. Individuals like Sister Emmanuelle, the Buddha, Jesus, Sri Sri Thakur Anukul Chandra Chakravorty, the Baal Shem Tov, Mother Teresa, Dorothy Day, the Berrigan brothers, Paul Robeson, my brother-in-law McCrea Imbrie and so many other brave, wise ones, can awaken in us courageous new energies and ideas that can benefit the entire planet.

     De Oliviera particularly has lifted a weight of limitation from my spirit’s shoulders, so that I now plan to complete one new film every three years from the age of eighty to ninety, one new film every two years from ninety to one hundred, and one a year from one hundred to one hundred and five.

   Whenever I feel the stirring of unproductive stress in my body arising from so many exciting new projects my ADD persona has undertaken, stress caused by the seeming lack of time for them all, with a moment’s visualization of de Oliviera my negative stress evaporates, and suddenly I feel like the comic-strip Popeye bursting with newfound strength and energy when he imbibes his invigorating spinach.  But my spinach tastes more like loving kindness, compassion, joy and peace.

"IT JUST HAPPENED" august 3 2010 by Sue Menahem

2010-08-03T13:56:00.000-04:00

“It just happened!”
    Oh no no no no no! She did not just say that!

    Sitting across the table from me, in our favorite restaurant, was my very best friend proclaiming in all seriousness, that the fact that she was having an affair and cheating on her partner of 5 years had “just happened.”

    Was she the idiot or did she think I was?? I tried to think of any other thing that “just happens”. Magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat? Check back stage and you’ll discover the cage where said rabbit resided just a few short moments ago. Driving through a stop sign? Try telling the police officer that “just happened” and I guarantee you’re driving away with a ticket. Sorry but things don’t have a way of just happening without our intervention or assistance.

    She wanted my support – which I said she had. She wanted my advice – which there is never a shortage of and certainly there was that part of her that was testing out her “just happening” theory to see if I would buy it thereby making it adequate for the upcoming conversation with her partner. That one, she did not get.

    On my way home I began to think about the series of very conscious choices that have to be made in order to get an affair to “just happen.” Perhaps it begins innocently by catching someone’s eye. Then 1) the look lasts just a bit too long. 2) The decision to walk over. 3) A seemingly innocent conversation that includes a touch on an arm that lasts a second longer than it should. 4) The exchange of a business card 5) Finding some business-like reason to send an email 6) Three email exchanges into it the topics become a bit personal. 7) Conversations meander their way to the telephone 8) Meeting for coffee, lunch, or dinner 9) Telling your partner this new person is “just a friend” 10) A bottle of wine 11) Lingering goodbyes 12) A long anticipated kiss 13) And the rest is history.

    The motivation to go from one bad choice to the next is anybody’s guess but the reason is always the same. Affairs are the result of something lacking in the current relationship. Rather than dealing with the issues within the current relationship, an affair provides excitement, it usually supplies the missing piece and if nothing else, it’s a great distraction.

    Oddly enough the discovery of an affair eventually leads to resolution within the existing relationship. After the explosion and once the dust settles, the couple is faced with one of two options. Either they choose to deal with the issues within the relationship along with the added bonus of repairing the areas that were destroyed by the affair or they’ll end the relationship and whatever positive things the couple has shared will be clouded by betrayal, anger, deceit and bitterness.

    My opinion? Simple. Don’t put off dealing with what isn’t working within your relationship, finish what you started before beginning something new and never ever fool yourself into believing or expect your partner to believe that “it just happened!”

BEING NOBODY, GOING NOWHERE july 29 by Neil Selden

2010-07-29T15:19:00.000-04:00

“I’m nobody, who are you? Are you nobody too? Good,

then there’s a pair of us—don’t tell! They’ll banish us, you

know. How awful to be somebody, how public, like a frog,

to croak your name the livelong day to an admiring bog!”

Emily Dickinson

“I don’t know where I came from, I don’t know where I am going,

but I know that I came well, and I will go well.”

Walt Whitman

     “Being Nobody, Going Nowhere” is the title of an amazingly simple and powerful book by a Buddhist nun, Ayya Khema, who as a Jewish child in Germany was saved from the Holocaust. She later became a wife, a grandmother, and a wise and scientific practioner/teacher of the Buddhist journey to love and peace, the same journey-- with different signposts-- made known to those of every faith and no faith who study without prejudice the laws of existence.

     The first sentences of the Dhammapada, the path experienced and taught by the Buddha, gives us the key to shedding the almost universal pain that arises when we think we have to be somebody, and we have to know where we are going: “All that we are is the result of what we have thought; it is founded on our thoughts, it is built of our thoughts… If a person thinks or acts with a self-less thought, joy follows that person as a shadow that never leaves.”

     What does it mean to be self-less?

     I can’t recall the moment when I first experienced vividly and gratefully a flash of the truth of Einstein’s conviction: The idea that we are each a separate self is what he termed “an optical delusion of consciousness”. That belief, that thought that I am a separate self, taught to me by parents, teachers and peers, and harbored for so long, not only creates many toxic feelings, but also blocks me from the free and delightful creativity and harmonious relationships that my experience of the Oneness of all things can confer.

     Without a practice that in its own time grows me into the Consciousness of a non-self, an inter-being composed of clouds, earth, rain, sunshine, memories, mental images, emotions, physical sensations—without such a practice I would be one hell of an unhappy, lonely, angry primate.

     Over decades of meditation and the allied practices of concentration, I have more and more often experienced liberation from that pernicious but almost universal belief of separateness.

     Meditation is, fundamentally, a practice of letting go. Concentration is the practice of thinking or speaking or acting in a consciously specific, focused way that has been proven, for you, to arouse happiness: loving kindness, compassion, forgiveness, gratitude, joy and peace.

     These are some of the healing thoughts I try to practice throughout the day, thoughts that have proven their worth by adding to my ability to enjoy the giving and receiving of love, and my efforts at creative expression: “Love the Oneness that is God, the Love that is God; love thy enemy; love thy neighbor as thyself” (Jesus)---“No matter what your afflictions you are meant to laugh, to sing, to dance, these are the highest and purest forms of prayer. Worship the Absolute Oneness that is God, by simple acts of loving kindness to others” (Baal Shem Tov)---“We have no need for temples, we have no need for complicated philosophies; our temple is the human heart, our philosophy is kindness” (Dalai Lama)---“Center yourself in every urge to love; drink that, the wine of heaven, and enjoy.” (Thakur Anukul Chandra Chakravorty)

     Weaving such teachings into moments of intense work as therapist and creative writer, and into moments of intense relating to family, friends, co-workers, clients, neighbors and strangers, and into moments of restful aimlessness, provides a deep, fresh, alive, nurturing garden in which joy keeps blossoming, blessed by a river of energy for loving and creating.

Emotional Dysregulation Disorder: A Mental Health Label That Actually Might Mean Something 7/27/10 by Margie Nichols

2010-07-27T22:43:00.000-04:00

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association(Fourth Edition) is the “Bible” of mental illness. The DSM is being revised, and in a few years DSM 5 will come out. I think – along with a lot of others in the mental health field – that there is a diagnostic category we could use that might actually be useful but is being ignored because it is seen as indicative of a highly stigmatized disorder.

One of the revisions that didn’t make it into DSM 5 was the recommendation to create a disorder called “Emotional Dysregulation Disorder.” Instead, people who suffer from the inability to control their own emotional reactions and moods are lumped in the category of “Borderline Personality Disorder,” now to be called “Borderline Type.” Borderline Personality Disorder – BPD – is stigmatized even by mental health professionals. Until a type of therapy called “Dialectical Behavior Therapy” came into existence twenty years ago or so, it was considered ‘untreatable’ and ‘incurable,’ and many if not most therapists still see it this way.

There are ten symptoms, according to the DSM 5 proposal, of “Borderline Type.” A few of them are pretty extreme: self-harm (suicidality, cutting,etc.); aggression (being abusive to others); and schizotypy, which means really dissociating from reality. But the other seven are:

• Emotional lability – mood swings, having emotions that are easily triggered, are intense, and out of proportion to the trigger

• Separation insecurity – fears of rejection, fear of separation from significant others

• Anxiousness, including worry about the past and fear of the future or uncertainty

• Low self-esteem

• Depressivity – frequent feelings of being ‘down’

• Hostility, i.e., irritability, responding with anger to minor slights and insults

• Disinhibition- the tendency to be impulsive.

I don’t know about you, but those traits describe some people in my family and, when I was younger, me. And as a therapist it probably describes a quarter of the people I see.

And the core feature of this constellation of symptoms, which many want to call “Emotional Dysregulation Disorder” is the lack of self-control over one’s intense emotional reactions, over moods, and over impulses.

I see this deficit at the root of many addictions – if you can’t soothe yourself, calm yourself, keep from being sad and down all the time, you try to mask it with a substance or other powerful escape. And I see it at the root of many relationship problems: people who are emotionally dysregulated often think their reactions are grounded in reality and blame their partners for their moods. There is a Twelve-Step saying, “Feelings aren’t facts.” People who are emotionally dysregulated often don’t get that – it’s more like “If I feel it, it must be true.”

The thing is, if we recognized this in ourselves, our friends and family members, or our clients more often – there are things you can do about it, ranging from meditation to cognitive techniques to medication. But as long as these symptoms are seen as indicative of “Borderline Personality Disorder” not even therapists will want to see this in their clients. And that’s a shame, because there really are methods to turn that emotional inner storm into relative calm breezes, and to turn life from being an emotional roller coaster to an even, level road.

A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE, APPLAUDING MY LIFE 7/15/10 by Neil Selden

2010-07-15T20:49:00.000-04:00

“Life is not a puzzle to be solved, it is a mystery to be experienced.”

Rajneesh

     Once upon a time, 39 years ago, when “CAR”, a play I wrote with McCrea Imbrie, was presented at the Director’s Unit of the Actor’s Studio, I heard the founder, Lee Strasberg, speak of the most important quality needed by a director, the only quality that Strasberg insisted cannot be taught. This is the ability to see what is actually happening on stage, not what the director thinks/hopes/persuades himself is happening because he so loves the work he did, but what objective spectators actually see and hear.

     How often it happened, in my experience at the Actor’s Studio and other theatre groups to which I belonged, that a director or a writer could in no way hear and accept the feedback from thirty or more colleagues trying to be of help, because he was so in love with what he thought he had directed or written.

     And how often, in our relationships with others, we cannot step back and be a witness to our own unskillful and toxic thoughts, words, actions, as well as our own loving kindness, compassion, joy and peace.

     One of the greatest benefits of meditation practices and concentration practices is the slow but sure, effortless growth of Pure Consciousness, Pure Presence, the ability to be a spectator of one’s own spectacle. Just as there is a peace and joy when we are part of the audience, watching a fascinating movie or play, so there is a state of deep gratitude that arises spontaneously over time when we practice watching our body/mind/world.

     Every morning at wakeup, and before bed, and as often as I remember during the day, I open my consciousness to the Ultimate Mystery, which I know from lived experience lies within me, sometimes buried under an avalanche of ancient, toxic thoughts and feelings. Thinking that the Ultimate Mystery is the ground in which my life is rooted, the source from which my Being arises in every moment, grows into a consciousness of the Absolute Oneness of All things, wherein exists a limitless love for myself and all beings.

     How does this highfalutin vision help a writer, an artist of any kind in the daily practice of our art? Indeed, how does thinking this way help anyone who wants to love skillfully and creatively the beings one lives with or lives without on one’s journey?

     By practicing various forms of meditative, choiceless, panoramic awareness, I come to feel my oneness with the Ultimate Mystery. I come to experience the fact that I am not my mind, not my thoughts, not my emotions, not my body, not the world. Mind, body, breath, emotions, physical sensations, memories, mental constructions, thoughts and world are ever changing, that is the Law of Impermanence. Heraclitis hit the nail on the head in ancient Greece: No one can step into the same river twice.

    If I am not my mind, my body, the sky, the earth, rivers, houses, chairs, couches, the world, what is permanent in my experience? Only one thing I know from experience, one thing that is always available, one thing there is that never changes: this pure, choiceless, panoramic awareness, mine, yours, that of all created beings, an unfailing source of loving kindness, compassion, forgiveness, joy and peace. That is my Pure Awareness, Pure Presence, when I am a totally free, untrammeled spectator of my own spectacle, watching, hearing, touching, sniffing the comedy drama of my life.

    Becoming the spectator of my own spectacle, whatever I create from that place of peace will be a new and exciting river, never the same, with calms and eddies and dangerous bursts of power, vivid flowers and trees on peaceful banks where we can nestle, and creatures never before known, all to entertain and enlighten and strengthen our joy of living.

THE VERB OF LOVE 7/13/10 by Sue Menahem, L.C.S.W.

2010-07-13T10:11:00.000-04:00

               Do you remember who or what taught you the verb of love? The real meaning of the action word “love”? Maybe it was a significant other, maybe a child, perhaps a passion or career path, or maybe it was an animal. I had always thought that I knew what “love” meant -- I loved my parents, I loved my friends, I loved whoever I was dating at the time, I loved pepperoni pizza, I loved the beach. It wasn’t until I came across an 8 week old little German Shepherd Rottweiler mixed puppy that I learned what it was really all about.

      I’m still not sure what made me sign the papers. Sure he was cute, but did I really have to get a puppy? I was in my last year of a graduate program, working full time, interning 20 hours a week and on top of that I had just purchased and moved into a brand new home – things were still in boxes! What made me decide I needed to throw an 8 week old puppy into the mix, I’ll never know.

     Our first night together was miserable. I had him set up downstairs in my kitchen, he had toys, soothing music, a comfortable bed and I had played with him for over 3 hours to ware him out. I was exhausted. As soon as I turned out the kitchen light and headed upstairs for bed, it began. Barking, yelping, screeching like I had never heard before. Anybody passing by would have thought that I was skinning this animal alive. I tried to ignore it hoping he’d get tired but as the night wore on, he just got louder. Every bit of patience drained from my body, I trudged downstairs to the kitchen and turned on the light. There he was, wagging his tail, smiling and looking up at me as if to say “Hey pal! What took you so long??” I scooped him up, took him upstairs to my bedroom and put him in a box I had just recently unpacked. At least, I thought, he would be in my room and finally shut up so I could sleep. The clock said that I had 5 hours of valuable sleep time left and then a 16 hour day ahead of me. Light turned out, both of us tucked in, problem solved. 5 minutes later, I heard a gnawing sound. Was it the beginning of a dream? Of course not. The little puppy began gnawing his way out of the box. Frustrated, I took him out of what was left of the box and tied him to the leg of my brand new dresser – which led to gnawing on the dresser and more yelping. Drained, exhausted, and filled with regret, I slid onto the floor next to him and began to cry, what had I done?? Happily he leaped over to me, curled up in my lap and within seconds, he was fast asleep. And, that’s how we slept our first night together.

     When friends came by to see my new puppy, I begged them to take him – dog, crate, food, toys, leash, bowls – all of it for free. Just take him. He was too much for me. Although many considered it, nobody took me up on it. I finally resolved that I was going to have to deal with him myself.

     Life became, working, interning and training and entertaining this new little puppy. Long walks were a godsend -- although there was that time when he was so wound up and I really needed to tire him out and took him on a mile long walk to the store. On our way back, he decided he was too exhausted and wouldn’t go another step. I wound up having to carry him all the way home and of course, when we got back, I was exhausted and he was raring to go!

     I’m not sure when it happened but at some point, I began looking forward to coming home to him. That silly little happy face and wagging tail was always so thrilled to great me. I arranged puppy daycare for him, playdates, and outings not because I had to, but because I wanted to. It made me happy to know that he was having fun and enjoying his life. Sure I got mad the day I came home and found that he had chewed my favorite pair of Tevas to pieces but for some reason, it was so easy to forgive him. As time went on, anybody that knew me knew him too, we were that inseperable.

     He spent the better part of 12 years being the best little dog a person could want. Then suddenly he got very sick and I needed to contemplate putting him down. I don’t know how he managed to teach me about real love, but he did. It’s the kind of love that doesn’t really care what, if anything, you get in return. The kind of love that warms your insides solely because you’ve done something warm for someone or something else. The kind of love that is verb, that makes you do, that opens you up, that makes you need to be there regardless of anything else.

     There was no other decision to make, except for the hardest and most loving decision of all … To say goodbye and to end his suffering. They say that owners and their pets will meet again one day by a rainbow bridge and cross the bridge into wherever together. I’d like to think that’s true. Not only would I love to hug that furry little body one more time, but I’d really like to thank him for opening my heart and teaching me that real love truly is a verb.

In memory of Jembay, August 29 1997 – June 30 2010

A NEW SOLOMON'S DILEMMA? OBESITY VS. SMOKING IN KIDS 7/11/10 by Margie Nichols,Ph.D.

2010-07-11T12:14:00.000-04:00

    There's an interesting piece by Gina Kolata in the Times today about how funds used to combat smoking in teens is now diverting into obesity prevention in children.   The question is: if you have to choose, which is more important to prevent? Obesity or smoking? Clearly we shouldn't HAVE to choose....but if we did?

     The answer isn't obvious. Kolata discusses some of the pros and cons. For example, anti-smoking campaigns aimed at teens appear to have been partially successful- teen smoking has gone down, although since rates of smoking have gone down in all age groups, it's a little hard to attribute that purely to prevention efforts. And, the truth is that we know of nothing that prevents obesity. As Kolata says, "..no interventions, when tested in large studies, have caused a big difference in children's or teenager's weights."

    So all the 'common sense' about preventing obesity - promoting healthier choices, more activity, soda taxes - might be about as effective as, say, the D.A.R.E. program was in keeping kids away from drugs (i.e., zero percent) My guess is that many of these measures may prevent obesity in a small percentage of what I call 'accidentally' obese kids - those who really aren't inclined to overeat and would be fine if Mom didn't shove so much McDonald's at them.

   Another argument against targeting obesity in kids is that even could we find effective prevention methods, we aren't absolutely sure that the problems associated with obesity would go away. One doctor commented , "Maybe someone with a genetic predisposition to be fat and get high blood pressure would get high blood pressure even if obesity were prevented."   But we DO know the benefits of not smoking, and they are dramatic even when people smoke into adulthood and THEN stop.

    Which brings me to my decision should I be forced into a Solomonic position of choosing: as a psychologist, I come down heavily on the side of obesity prevention, with the caveat that we have to pour a lot of money into research to see what works. People DO stop smoking as adults. The smoking rate among teens is just under 20%, same as for adults - down from 42% in 1964! And as our culture increasingly grows intolerant of smoking, more and more adults quit.

    And that is part of the point. People CAN quit smoking. Studies show that most people who want to quit smoking eventually do, even if it takes several "tries." But not so for obesity. Long-term success rates for ALL methods of weight-loss save one are abysmal - well under 10%. The one exception is bariatric surgery.   It is nearly impossible to lose and keep off significant weight as an adult, while it is almost always possible to eventually be successful in smoking cessation. If we can actually find something that prevents
obesity - we will have accomplished a miraculous stride in medicine.

   One other factor influences me as a psychologist. Kids are not ostracized, ridiculed, bullied for smoking, but they surely are for being obese. Even adults who smoke, while they may increasingly feel like pariahs, are not really 'shunned' - they just have to smoke outside. The myth of the 'happy fat person' is not true for children, and it is not true for obese adults. Obese adults often face more discrimination than women, people of color, or gays, and it is still socially acceptable to do so openly. To be obese is to suffer a lifetime of battling low-self-esteem and very real discrimination. The psychological cost of being obese has to be factored into all the health statistics. If they are, obesity may pull ahead of smoking as Public Health Hazard number one.

THURSDAY THOUGHTS: FILLING THE HOLE IN MY GUT 7/8/10 by Neil Selden

2010-07-08T20:58:00.000-04:00

“Within yourselves let grow a boundless love

for all creatures…Strive for this with a

one-pointed mind; your life will bring

heaven to earth.” Buddha

    “I have a—it feels like emptiness-- inside me—a hole in my gut-- feels like a ten thousand foot chasm—it can’t possibly be filled-- but any-- any drop of love-- would be-- appreciated.” I remember speaking those words when it was my turn on what we used to call the ‘hot seat’, at a 43 hour group therapy ‘marathon’ (with only one three hour break) my wife Lee and I were facilitating.

     It was one of my early attempts to embrace the emotional truth of who I was at the time, of what my body had been trained to suppress as a child, in school, and among my peers.

     In the years that followed I learned, sometimes painfully, sometimes joyfully,that at the bottom of my unfillable chasm was a mother lode of playful and exciting creativity and love, often hidden deep among the hated garbage of thrown-away sorrow, unclean rage, buried fears, unacceptable shame, self-disgust wearing a mask of boredom.

      And, yes, the beautiful, childlike, spontaneous, creative, crazy wisdom every artist longs for, totally alien to the distorted idea that only neurosis can produce art of any value, jumps into consciousness whenever we practice panoramic, choiceless awareness, the awareness of Pure Being that enables us to love ourselves and all beings with a skillfulness far beyond the ordinary, self-limiting conventions we have been taught to obey.

    One thing I have never forgotten from that 43 hour marathon was the realization that holes in the gut are universal among us human beings, and come in many different forms.

    What fills that hole in my gut? I have discovered that the ‘hole’ becomes at least temporarily filled whenever self-less thoughts, words and actions lead me to dig deep into and drink from the inexhaustible well within all beings, a well of loving-kindness, compassion, forgiveness, gratitude, joy and peace.

UPDATE TO ANTI-LESBIAN DRUG? 7/6/10 by Margie Nichols

2010-07-06T19:46:00.001-04:00

By coincidence, as the news about a drug that can 'de-masculinize' female fetuses hit the blogs, one of my sex therapy listserves began a fascinating discourse about the prevalence of PCOS in female to male transgender people. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) is a genetically transmitted syndrome with some potentially distressing symptoms and consequences. However, in the population of young women presenting themselves for hormone treatment to transition from a female to a male body, PCOS is relatively prevalent.

Since PCOS is a syndrome caused by an excess of androgens - male hormones - in biological female, this again raises the issue of hormones in both gender identity and sexual orientation. Certainly hormones could not be the sole factor determining these complex psycho-social phenomenon, but it looks like they may play a role and that the two- gender and orientation - are at least partially intertwined.

THE ANTI-LESBIAN DRUG? 7/5/10 by Margie Nichols

2010-07-05T21:36:00.000-04:00

   What we now call 'intersex' conditions - children born with a whole variaty of biological variations that can result in ambiguous or mixed gender - have long been interesting because of what they might tell us about how genes and hormones effect not only physical characteristics but also behavior. For example, Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia is a condition that affects genetic females. Medical specialists believe it results from over-exposure of the female fetus to androgens - male hormones. CAH girls not only sometimes exhibit some male body characteristics - they also tend to be tomboys and, as adults, while most are heterosexual a higher than expected number are lesbian or bisexual. Makes one think about the role of hormones is sex-stereotyped behavior - and sexual orientation.

   But a physician named Dr. Maria New is promoting the use of a drug called dexamethasone for women carrying CAH girls to use while they are pregnant. This drug is not FDA approved for this use and has never been tested in pregnant women before. But it is increasingly used to prevent 'abnormal behavior' in CAH girls.    As Sharon Begley reports in Newsweek,

  New and a colleague suggest that women having little interest in babies and men, and being drawn to traditionally male occupations and games, is “abnormal.” Moreover, they argue, that abnormality might be prevented with prenatal dexamethasone. “Gender-related behaviors, namely childhood play, peer association, career and leisure time preferences in adolescence and adulthood, maternalism, aggression, and sexual orientation become masculinized” in CAH girls and women, they write. “These abnormalities have been attributed to the effects of excessive prenatal androgen levels on the sexual differentiation of the brain and later on behavior ... We anticipate that prenatal dexamethasone therapy will reduce the well-documented behavioral masculinization ...” in CAH girls.

    So......Dr. New wants to make CAH girls 'normal' - i.e., girly girls attracted to men and 'female' professions. She hasn't yet said it could be used to insure this behavior in non CAH females, but it sure conjures up those fears to me. And as a feminist - it's not mainly the sexual orientation part that scares me. It's the "career and leisure time preferences" and "aggression" parts that remind me of Stepford wives. Today, Dexamethasone for CAH girls, tomorrow, a little pink pill for all of us.

MEDITATION ON MONDAY ON WEDNESDAY 6/30/10 Neil Selden

2010-06-30T19:39:00.001-04:00

UNSKILLED FARMERS

     “Unskilled farmers throw away their rubbish and buy manure from other farmers, but those who are skilled go on collecting their own rubbish, in spite of the bad smell and the unclean work, and when it is ready to be used they spread it on their land, and out of this they grow their crops. That is the skilled way.” (Meditation In Action, by Chogyam Trungpa, founder of Naropa University)

     Pouring, pouring, tears of gratitude came sparkling down my cheeks, deep into heart and mind, when I read the chapter by Trungpa entitled The Manure of Experience, because it described so vividly what I and many others have been trying to learn, practice and teach in our own lives and in the lives of those who come to us for help.

     How do meditative tears of gratitude sink so deep into the source of art and love, flowing outward into the joy of art, and the joyful struggle to make my relationships a giving and receiving of love? It seems to me that years of acknowledging and honoring my sorrow, my fear, my anger, my shame, my disgust, without letting those emotions determine my speech or actions, have made the dark and dishonored emotions springs of vitality, diamonds from darkness, raw gems of spirit, that bring with them sudden knowings.

     Especially in making theatre, film, dance, sculpture, paintings, those sudden knowings seem to draw together in unexpected and thrilling ways our mind-born snapshots of experience into a seamless work of incomprehensible and exciting art. Whether or not others are able to feel that flow—and there are those who do—my body’s wisdom speaks, I embrace the not-knowing, the truth within every chaos, and through that come to understand a little better with the years the inner stillness, the fragile flower of pure awareness, surprising and generous, the freewheeling, playful, scary but inevitable ecstasy.

     Though his life was hardly exemplary, Trungpa’s words will, I believe, inspire and guide the speech, thoughts and actions of anyone who longs for the happiness of all created beings. Instead of destroying ourselves and our planet through ill-will, greed and delusion, we will grow within ourselves and others loving kindness, compassion, forgiveness, gratitude, joy and peace.

    Trungpa’s book came into my hands as a gift from my son, Michael, an ordained Buddhist practitioner, who’d been reading it for the fourth time. A glance into its pages captivated me, and Michael instantly released his copy to me.

    For me, inside every feeling, the body’s wisdom speaks, catching my thoughts before they catch me.

    Thoughts are like clouds hiding a beautiful, clear, unscarred sky. As I watch my thoughts, I begin to see spaces between the clouds, and I can celebrate the pure, blue sky of my Being, my pure Presence. Minding my own mind, anything can happen in the spaces between thoughts, when I am no longer bamboozled by the myth of myself.

HELP FOR INSOMNIA: TIPS FROM THE CBT PLAYBOOK 6/27/10 by Margie Nichols

2010-06-27T20:36:00.000-04:00

Some people have insomnia because they have medical sleep disorders like sleep apnea. But for the millions whose sleeplessness is primarily driven by anxiety, stress, racing thoughts, etc. the treatment of choice is cognitive behavioral therapy. It may take two to four weeks before the techniques start to work, and many of them focus on helping people develop better 'sleep hygiene', or habits around sleep.

TIP NUMBER ONE: use your bed for only two things- sleep and sex. You are attempting to condition yourself so that the bed is associated with sleep. No reading or watching TV in bed. And if you try to go to sleep and can't, after 20 minutes you get up and do something else.

TIP NUMBER TWO: it's a little different for people whose problem is waking up too early. The first thing you should do if this happens is to try a relaxation exercise, visualization, or meditation. That may allow you to fall back to sleep. If you don't fall asleep,remain in bed and rest quietly- this is nearly as rejuvenating as sleep. If you are too restless for that - get up and do something.

TIP NUMBER THREE; try to go to sleep and wake up at the same time every day, and don't allow yourself to take naps. If you are sleep-deprived and force yourself to stay awake, you are more likely to sleep the following night. Naps will just prolong your getting on a normal sleep-wake cycle.

TIP NUMBER FOUR: in general, make sure distractions - and light - are minimized in your bedroom, which may mean blackout shades or heavy curtains, a sleep mask, or even ear plugs.

Not everyone is helped by these steps, but before you run to a sleep center or rely too heavily on sleep medication - try them out.

MONDAY MEDITATION WITH NEIL 6/21/10: MY ARMS AROUND DESIRE

2010-06-21T19:41:00.001-04:00

    “Make each day a work of art; make a work of art of time.” McCrea Imbrie spoke those words to me quite casually one day, as we wrestled together, collaborating word by word, phrase by phrase, thought by thought, on our first play together, SOMEONE'S COMIN' HUNGRY, which was produced a year later Off-Broadway.

     To discover works of art within ourselves, in words or any medium, and in the reconstruction of my own is-ness, often requires opening myself up to long-buried desires.

     Many of us were taught as kids, subtly or violently, to grab desire by the throat and choke it to death, whether it was a playful desire to make a design in a plate of mashed potatoes, or a serious desire to play soldier with a dead branch as a machine-gun, killing the enemy by the dozens, or maybe just a universal primate desire to cling to daddy long after Daddy thinks clinging is appropriate.

     I have been learning again and again, for decades, to throw my arms around my desires like grabbing a life-raft in the middle of a raging sea, and when the storm subsides to study how desires may lead me to new sources of fulfillment, so long as I am certain they won’t lead me to hurting myself and others.

     Experimenting with Doing--especially when it might be of benefit to others and myself-- is never wasted, because it generates electricity that can light up my life and the lives of those I love.

     The English poet William Blake once wrote, “Gratitude is heaven.” That has to be the definition of heaven that delights me more than any other, because the gratitude that sometimes surges through my body in meditation, or at a moment of wordsmithing a movie script or play or poem, is so overwhelmingly and tearfully joyful.

    Is there any gratitude greater than a new way to move the human body, discovered by a choreographer—or a line of dialogue that leaps with excitement—or a violently new and thrilling concatenation of musical notes, or a moment of deep, genuine caring that helps another being heal herself.

    Teachers, friends and relatives have often, without meanness, but ignorantly, led us to curb our imaginations and our ability to take the artistic and relational detours that grow beauty from our deepest desire. So often it seems that the things that call to our universal human creativity lie beyond our grasp. How can we safely coordinate the wildness of creativity with a practical attitude with practical benefits, and thereby achieve a depth of heavenly gratitude beyond what we thought possible?

    You might be 14 or 40 or 80 and have given up your dreams of making movies or dancing or guiding people on horseback up into the Sierra Mountains. Impractical? Impossible? Make the impossible possible! Make the impassible passible!

    I recently began a fourth new filmscript, and the title alone gave me a rich burst of enthusiasm: DREAM A NEW YESTERDAY. Writing four new movie scriptspiece at the same time? Will I live to write them? Does it matter? Many people diagnostically inclined might think I am acting out a longstanding A.D.H.D mental illness, working on four new filmscripts, plus two new musical dramas, and occasional poems. Perhaps I am, but I have managed to complete many plays, movie scripts, and poems, and I have managed, with the scrumptious support of my Willowbird Happycake Kissdish wife, to reach our fiftieth year of passionate, joyful wildness together, projects which have given me and us the crazy wisdom of creating that contributes boons of love energy in all our relationships.

    Your inner voice can override your inner censor, unearth hidden dreams. Expressing a want actually releases it, and hidden yearnings often give voice to long-lost enthusiasms. Sometimes what releases the joy of art might be. like Matisse, working on 17 paintings in various stages; hopefully he found joy in bringing each of them to completion.

     Meditate on your memories, cultivating loveliness, rejoice in existence, invite nature and all your loved ones alive or dead into a pocketful of gratitude in the backyard of your mind, a refuge in the precincts of your consciousness.

     Let yourself feel the presence of every flower, every creature you ever loved, every rainbow that ever jumped your soul, the delicious whiteness of ice cream sundae clouds creeping over a hill, the stillness of green leaves growing upon a lakeside sweetgum tree and shimmering mirrored in the water, the world, your body, your mind, totally choiceless, panoramic awareness, including every kiss, every hug, every pair of eyes you have looked into with a smile, no constraints of time and space, with countless chances to celebrate yourself as one in the Oneness of the All Without End.

THE FLAP ABOUT FLIBANSERIN 5/20/10 by Margie Nichols, Ph.D.

2010-06-19T22:03:00.001-04:00

It seems a bit anti-climatic now, since the FDA Advisory Panel decided yesterday to advise against the approval of what was touted as the 'female Viagra.' The fact that they turned down approval because they found no convincing evidence that it worked better than placebo didn't surprise anyone who studies female sexuality.  We know that female desire is a lot more complicated than the 'plumbing problems' involved in male erectile dysfunction. But for a while, when it looked like the drug might actually work, the debates got pretty intense.

     On one side, there were feminists warning against the medicationalization of female sexuality and the consequent pressure on women to live up to a male standard. On the other, medical people were trying to prove there really is a ‘disease’ called Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder in women, and that this drug is a cure for it.

     I find myself in agreement with both sides. Yes, there are grave sociocultural implications to the classifying of a women as ‘diseased’ when for the most part what we are really describing is age taking its inevitable toll on body and mind. And these dangers are at least in part connected with the traditional sexual oppression of women – there are women who will feel pressured by the disease label -and by their male partners - to TAKE a pill when they might not be unhappy with the lowering of desire that often accompanies menopause and perimenopause.  There are plenty of women, we don’t know how many, who don’t care or are even relieved when sex becomes less important to them.

   On the other hand, there really are many women in genuine distress about their low or sharply decreased sexual desire, who would give anything to have a lusty desire. For these women, a medication that helped would be a blessing.

    But I think we could reconcile these positions by taking a different stance about drug use, and by admitting that people, more and more, will want medications for 'enhancement' purposes, much like surgery for cosmetic purposes. This has already happened with Viagra and this new drug, if it were deemed effective, has the same potential. If it is shown in future research to work, I'd expect to see Flibanseran as a party drug within a year of approval.

     If we could even discuss the merits of medications/"good drugs" used for enhancement, we might be able to give up the pretense that, for example, the desire to increase sexual desire has to be a 'disease.' There is a thin line between 'distress' and 'i really really really want this to be different', and there is a very subjective aspect to many of these 'disorders.' Unfortunately, i doubt this conversation can take place in the Prohibitionist mentality of the United States. Not only are Americans suspicious of anything that makes you feel TOO good (hence the term “guilty pleasure”) - if we label something an illness we can get health insurance to pay for it. And if health insurance pays for it, people will buy more. So there is very big money involved in labeling 'Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder' in women a disease.

     It's too bad we are so uptight as a culture about drug use, because if we could have real conversations about how real people use chemicals to enhance mood, appearance, and performance, this practice could be brought into the light of day instead of in the illegal shadows.

     Acknowledging the potential usefulness of chemicals for enhancement purposes would bring a host of new issues with it. But it would at least avoid some of the problems inherent in a system where you can’t just invent a drug that would increase female sexual desire, you have to create a disease and a whole category of ‘ill’ people who need ‘treatment’ first. When a phenomenon is pathologized, people feel pressure to 'fix it,' and it becomes impossible to distinguish 'distress' from 'I should want to have sex because I'm told it's a disease not to want sex." If a pharmaceutical is developed that DOES increase female sexual desire - why can't we just admit that some women will want it, some women won't - and neither group is 'ill.'

BUST A MYTH 6/19/10 by Sue Menahem, L.C.S.W>

2010-06-19T21:23:00.000-04:00

    When I was little, teeth were worth about 25 cents a piece -- of course now with inflation the average 4 year old incisor is worth a bit more. I remember once as a little girl, after having lost a tooth and forgetting to tell my parents I was devastated when in the morning I found my tooth as I had left it the night before, carefully wrapped in toilet paper, and under my pillow awaiting the arrival of the tooth fairy. In an effort to comfort me, my parents told me that a record number of children had lost teeth yesterday and the tooth fairy was swamped. They assured me that those who had to wait a second day would get 50 cents instead of the usual 25. That night, I dutifully placed my little toilet paper packaged tooth under my pillow and awoke horrified to find my father kneeling beside my bed with my tooth in his hand! How dare he steal my tooth! 50 cents was a lot of money but to steal from your own daughter?? My father was a thief, and the worst kind!

    Days later, to reconcile our relationship my parents spilled the beans about the tooth fairy and as a result my short sighted little view of how the world worked was blown. Still, as a trade off, I could rest assured with the knowledge that my father thankfully wasn’t a thief after all.

     Thinking about my tooth fairy experience makes me wonder why, as adults, we still hold so dearly to those unchallenged character myths that have been with us since forever. The cowboy that rides off into the sunset… has anybody checked in on him 3 days later? Out in the desert, alone, no food, no tent… Sure he’s got his horse but you can’t sleep on or eat your horse. Cinderella, who rides off with Prince Charming… 5 years later those glass slippers are a distant memory. The concept of Mr. or Ms. Right … the one person who not only has it all but will provide a loving, stable healthy relationship complete with the most amazing sex ever.

ATTENTION: SPOILER ALERT!!

     Think about the best sex you’ve ever had… Think about the ingredients that create erotic, hot, passionate lusty sex. A cup of taboo, a dash of danger, a pinch of spontaneity, an ounce of the unexpected and tubs of brand new and exciting.

     Think about the ingredients that go into creating that long lasting loving relationship… mounds of trust, oceans of stability and endless amounts of loyalty and predictability. I’m no math major but I can tell you that those two vastly different recipes can’t add up to the same person.

    The truth is, that you never marry or maintain a healthy long term loving relationship with your best sex. That’s not to say you can’t have good sex – you just really really have to work at it. It’s true that if you really work at it you lose the spontaneity and the unexpected elements of hot, passionate and erotic sex, but I’d rather deal with that then the eventual realization that I’ve gotten myself into a relationship with a major personality disorder (insert image of Glenn Close and Michael Douglas from the movie “Fatal Attraction”!)

     Sadly, just as we accepted that there is no Santa Clause and that the Marlboro Man wound up with lung cancer, accepting that Mr. or Ms. Right is not going to be able to deliver a perfect relationship complete with amazing sex does prepare us for the road ahead.

     Equipped with this knowledge, we may not hang on to the guy who makes our head spin during sex but doesn’t call for a month and a half and we may just reconsider the woman who we are compatible with in every way but the sex isn’t number one on the top ten hit list of awesome sex.

It’s all a matter of choice and preference. You could choose to believe that the Easter Bunny is on its way with jelly beans - or you could head to the store, load up on chocolate Easter Eggs, make a nice basket and share it with your current love interest. Sure, that may take some work, but it certainly beats waiting for the Easter Bunny and winding up with an empty basket!

MONDAY NIGHT MEDITATION WITH NEIL SELDEN 6/14/10: THE GREATNESS IN OTHERS

2010-06-14T20:34:00.000-04:00

Recognizing greatness in others can only occur because we have that greatness within ourselves. As a husband, father, uncle, friend, artist, psychotherapist and meditator, I need that greatness—we all need that greatness, we all possess that greatness-- in order to create beauty and meaning and inspiration that can give peace and strength to those who may benefit from whatever we create of art, and whatever we create of ourselves.

In my work and in my life, I try to be aware always of the three poisons—greed, ill will, delusion—because any one of the poisons can make it impossible to recognize and realize and use our greatness to create loving kindness and compassion and joy in our art and in our relationships..

Perhaps the most powerful antidote to the three poisons is what the buddha called "loving the world as a mother loves her only child."

Years ago, I worked as a clinician therapist with a charming, but extremely paranoid, substance-abusing, lawbreaking and possibly dangerous individual who had the walls of his apartment lined with empty fishtanks, and who purchased every book he could find about Buddhism, but never read any of his collection. One afternoon, as I was counseling him, he dropped a book into my lap and insisted I look into it, a book he'd never read. Cracking open the pages of the book, my eyes lit upon The Eight Verses of Thought Training, a six or seven hundred years old Buddhist text. The Eight Verses floored me--within a few weeks I had memorized and incorporated them into my daily practice. This is the fourth verse: “Whenever I meet a person of bad nature, who is overwhelmed with negative energy and intense suffering, I will hold such a rare one dear, as if I had found a precious treasure.”

The greatness I had not seen before in that charming, paranoid, possibly dangerous individual had led him to collect books that he never opened, yet proudly showed to many people; one of those books changed my life, and through me, hopefully, the lives of others.

Loving those I find easy to love is a joy, and I learn from it, but learning to love those people most difficult for me to love, the ones I find seemingly impossible to love, has taught me infinitely more about my ability to dive deeper and deeper into the limitless love for myself and all beings that exists within me, a greatness of love that I now believe to exist within all beings.

THE PROBLEM WITH THE 'PROBLEMS' WITH THE MILLENIALS 6/12/10 by Margie Nichols

2010-06-12T21:01:00.001-04:00

    The Millenials (aka Generation Y) are the generation of people born between 1982 and 2002. The oldest of them are in their late twenties, and for a while now there's been a lot of bashing of these young folks as they have entered adulthood. Dubbed "Generation Me," they've been characterized as entitled whiners whose parents heaped on way too much praise for way to little, and who were 'awarded' far too many prizes for insufficient amounts of achievement. As Judith Warner says in a piece in the Times called "The Why-Worry Generation" they've been assessed as psychological basket cases, narcissistic wimps. Apparently, the latest piece of news about them is that they are "unreasonably" optimistic in the face of the recession, that they don't second-guess themselves and they're sure that bright days are ahead.

    This is a problem? It's called resiliency. I'm glad Warner has taken on those who sneer at this generation's more laid-back values (they are turning down jobs that require them to work more than 40 hours a week, even this year). She points out that the young adult Millenials may be annoying to those of us raised on Woody Allen-style anxiety about the future and overachievement as a laudable goal. We may think that their unquenchable faith in themselves looks a lot like a big fat ego. But they aren't really 'maladjusted.' They seem to deal with the stress of everyday living better than many of their elders. Actually, we parents accomplished a lot of what we wanted: they have faith in themselves and they see the world as a good place.

   I take issue with those who tsk tsk about 'overpraising' children. As a clinical psychologist, and as someone who has raised or had a hand in raising five children - if the result of praising children for everything they do is a somewhat inflated ego, that's fine. If you have to err in one direction or another (and all parents do) it's better to err in the direction of praising the kid for breathing than to have more of your statements to your child be critical.   Years ago, Russell Barkeley, writing about AD/HD kids, said that praise should outnumber criticism (and "correcting" and nagging count as criticism) by a factor of four or five to one for the child to grow up with intact self esteem. It's not just true of AD/HD kids, it's true of all kids.

    As a clinician, I can tell you we rarely have to deal with adults whose major problem is too much self-confidence (I'm not referencing true narcissistic personality disorder here, that's a different animal all together). And it's a lot harder to boost damaged self-confidence than deflate over-confidence. Frankly, life has a way of taking care of the latter naturally.

   So let's hear it for trophies "just" for showing up to practices and games and developing the discipline of a sport, praise for mastering the smallest thing, or encouragement just for effort. Why is being "best" so important anyway? Most human beings are never going to be 'best' at anything besides being themselves. "Good job!" doesn't imply "you are the only one to ever do this wonderful thing" and there is no reason why children shouldn't hear "Good job!" two dozen times a day.

    Warner ends her piece: "Maybe having a bulked-up ego really does serve as a buffer to adversity."

    Duh. Just like therapists have been saying all along, and just like any parent - or just any astute observer of human nature- knows instinctively.

CHEESECAKE FOR PARADISE 6/6/10 by Sue Menahem, L.C.S.W.

2010-06-06T19:53:00.000-04:00

     I put the cheesecake in the back seat. It was a double chocolate cheesecake with a freshly pureed and naturally sweetened strawberry topping and it was perhaps the best piece of cheesecake I had ever tasted. This culinary masterpiece was entrusted to me by a friend -- its creator – who carefully packed it up with the instructions to “make sure this gets back home to your better half.” It was in the back seat of the car because honestly, I couldn’t trust myself. All I needed was a long red light to retrieve that luscious package and enjoy a midnight picnic right there in the car on the ride home.

     But, I remained strong and merely eyed the reflection of the package in the rearview mirror resolved to deliver it as instructed. Surely if this had happened years ago, when our relationship was still enjoying its glorious infancy, I’d have that package safely seat belted to the front passenger seat with my outstretched arm guarding it every time I hit the break. I would have been as the cat, who dutifully and lovingly lays the dead bird at the feet of its owner, head bowed, soft meow, awaiting the pat on the head from a happily satisfied owner so touched by this outwardly vulnerable display of affection.

    Interesting how in the beginning of the relationship we feed off of the ecstasy of that new relationship energy (sometimes called "N.R.E.") until finally we deplete it, the gas gauge on empty, feet once again hit the floor. We feel duped, conned, disappointed and as average as every other relationship on the planet. Still as amazing as N.R.E. feels, think about the implications if it remained at an unlimited and constant supply. Sure we’d all be holed up having marathon- swinging- from- the- chandelier sex complete with cardboard pizza boxes strewn about, and piles of dirty laundry and dishes everywhere. Our only distraction would be the adorable twitch of our beloved’s nostril prior to a rip roaring sneeze. Our lives in every other aspect would come to a screeching halt (who needs clean underwear anyway??) In retrospect, there are some benefits to N.R.E. remaining in limited supply!

     Once N.R.E. is depleted we find ourselves left to choose between one of three options. 1) Coast along with fond memories of “the way it used to be” allowing inertia to dictate the meanderings of the relationship. 2) End the relationship. 3) Learn to feed the relationship.

    N.R.E. says “I can not live until I get my soul mate this beautiful card with neatly scripted expressions of love etched on a background of water colored images of mountainous scenery.” After all, that card was written especially for this relationship and no other relationship is as wonderful and magnificent and truly sanctioned by the powers that be as this is and if I don’t satisfy this urge to buy this card I will go out of my mind!

Inertia says “Card? What card?” and eventually resolves to try to remember to send a text message.

Ending the relationship says “I’m throwing away all of those lousy cards you gave me in the beginning of the relationship because I never want to think of you again!”

Feeding the relationship says “My world will certainly continue to spin if I do not buy this card, my relationship won’t end, the sun will continue to rise but the card will bring a smile and warm feelings to the person I am committed to and in turn, that will make me feel happy and will make us feel closer. While option “3” hardly seems spontaneous and absolutely requires work, if you want to keep a relationship humming along the work is worth it.

So, tonight, I am conciously feeding my relationship a decadent slice of double chocolate cheesecake with a freshly pureed strawberry topping. But, who are we kidding -- I will certainly bring two forks to the table. After all, we’re talking about double chocolate cheesecake, surely love will understand!

LET THE GAMES BEGIN: DATING, HONESTY, AND VULNERABILITY 5/31/10 by Sue Menahem, L.C.S.W.

2010-05-31T21:47:00.000-04:00

Was it fate? Was it the stars that brought them together? Does it matter? She's in her mid 40's attractive, never married. He's also mid 40's, married twice, has 3 children between the 2. She's been through it before, disappointed again and again, wants to settle down and at this point is trying so hard to play her cards right because, after all, this one could be a keeper.

She's heard her bio-clock tick and tock, run out of steam and start ticking again. Sure, mid 40's may be a bit too old to give the bio-clock another shake but then again stranger things have happened.

According to her plan– she should be a grandmother by now! But somehow she never really got a relationship to click. Unmet promises, a few hearts broken and she finds herself now 3 months into something that at this point shows some potential. This time though, things will be different. She will be even more on guard. No more vulnerability. No more showing her hand – at least not until he does it first. Nope, she was going to play this one the right way. Strategically. "X" takes the center square.

And now they're out for dinner... atmosphere is perfect, conversation flowing, laughs, flirty touching. He pours the wine, smiles at how beautiful she looks and suddenly asks: "So, do you see yourself having kids one day?" Wow! Where did this one come from?? The answer could make or break the entire thing. Sure she wanted to try for kids. Why wouldn't she? After all, she was a healthy woman and thought she could be a great mom. Still, what if he didn't want them? Would he still want to be with her if he didn't want them? She took a sip of wine to buy a few seconds as she thought out the strategy. How could she continue the conversation, see what his position is and get the answers she needed without putting herself on the line? And then it came to her! The perfect response!

“What a funny question. With three children already I’m surprised that in your 40’s you’re still thinking about it.” She smiled. “Oh” he responded. “It isn’t important. I just was interested in what you had to say about it. How about a refill on the wine?” With that he lifts his hand and motions for the waiter. The rest of the conversation meanders about. Throughout the night she revisits it in her mind and can’t help but wonder if she was just blown off. How could she know? The answer he gave was to the response she made and the response she made had nothing to do with the questions rolling around in her mind. If you really want the truth, those two things have got to correspond.

BOOK REVIEW: WOMEN'S ANATOMY OF AROUSAL: SECRET MAPS TO BURIED PLEASURE

2010-05-25T16:52:00.001-04:00

Women's Anatomy of Arousal: Secret Maps to Buried Pleasure

by Sheri Winston, Mango Garden Press, 2010

Reviewed by Liz Lipman-Stern, L.C.S.W., Certified Sex Therapist, IPG Staff Therapist

You might think the discovery of the “G-Spot” and female ejaculation gave the world the most comprehensive information possible about female sexual anatomy. If so, you’d be wrong. Sheri Winston’s book recently won the 2010 Book of the Year award from the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT), the organization through which those of us at IPG who are certified Sex Therapists got our certification. And it richly deserves this honor.

Winston’s bookt delivers important and generally unavailable (and unknown) information about female genital anatomy in a style that is entertaining and accessible to lay readers, thereby helping to pull back the curtain of cultural ignorance about female anatomy while also enabling women and their partners to enjoy more connected and orgasmic sex. In addition, in a society that tends to separate birth and sex, it makes the crucially important -and, again, often unknown- point that women have a single, elegant, integrated system for sexual pleasure and reproduction. The uterus, for example, often thought of as an organ ‘dedicated’ to gestation, also contributes to sensual/sexual sensations. Women’s Anatomy of Arousal is an empowering book: it supports sex-positive attitudes and behavior in a context of deep personal responsibility

Winston’s book is not only full of information, it also has original, high-quality anatomical illustrations done by the author. The graphics contribute significantly to our visual understanding of female sexual anatomy. The design is beautiful and the concept is original. It is lavishly illustrated, with examples of erotic art from different cultures as well as anatomical renderings. It is one part self-help book, one part science/anatomy book, and one part erotic art book -- and the pieces fit together seamlessly. Highly recommended!

MONDAY NIGHT MEDITATION WITH NEIL 5/24/10 by Neil Selden

2010-05-24T19:49:00.000-04:00

Meditative Nurture for the Heart

Here's a bit of possible meditative nurture for the heart, which, as we learn so slowly, must break and break and break (could be the broken heart of a one year old when Mom takes five minutes to respond to the child's cry of hunger or loneliness) before the limitless love for self and others hidden deep with every heart can pour freely forth.

I don't know if I don't want to die,
I don't know if I do,
How swell to know I do not know,
and go on loving you.

    Every morning for many years I have practiced visualizing my own death, always hoping to die in a way that would be a gift to other people. I was inspired by the words spoken to my son Michael by Kim, my wife's half-sister, in her 80's, when she chose to have no medical intervention, and to die at home. He was about twenty, living with Dearing, his wife-to-be (they now have a 17 year-old daughter and a nine year old daughter, both of them strong and delightful). Michael lay his head on Kim's lap and wept, and she tenderly stroked his head, and when he lifted up his eyes to her, she said sweetly, "Michael, I love your beard, it is just right for your face, but if Dearing asks you to shave it off, you will won't you." She paused, then went on, "Give Dearing a kiss for me. You will know how to give it, and she will know how to receive it."

    When I visualize my own death, as part of my morning meditation practices, I see myself smiling the fake yoga smile that inevitably, in my experience, jumps my whole body into a genuine, liberating joy. I then see and hear myself dancing inside as I die, and laughing and singing, and I may or may not laugh and sing-- simultaneously-- out loud. (I began laughing artificially and regularly, as a meditation, when my beloved brother-in-law/play collaborator McCrea Imbrie made me promise to laugh every morning by the clock for five minutes, because I was struggling with an unusually persistent depression)

   After laughing, I then say "Hello!" to the Love that is my God, and say whatever else arises to say that is self-less. The buddha made it clear that when we speak and act with a self-less thought, joy follows us, as a shadow that never leaves. Of course, joy being a shadow, we have to practice looking behind us to see and feel it.

   After speaking to Love, I visualize kissing the feet of whatever persons come into my consciousness, usually my wife Lee first, then my son Michael and his wife Dearing, I kiss their feet with gratitude that we are one in the Oneness, I kiss the top of their heads with love, I lay my palms on their heads and bless them, and I plant a tender healing kiss on their foreheads.

   My next enjoyment is to meditate, paying attention to the root of my nose, the so-called third eye, and reciting my mantra, Radhaswami Thank You God, which combines the mantra I learned from Thakur, a Hindu existentialist, via his disciple Ray Hauserman, combined with the sacred phrase my adored sister-in-law Dawn had been saying since she was eight or ten until she died in her eighties.

    Following the third eye meditation, I meditate by focusing on my outbreath, as I was persuaded to do by my son Michael, who had been ordained as a buddhist monk, but now considers himself no longer a monk, but a zen practitioner.

     After that meditation, I meditate by repeating any one of a number of sacred writings over and over, such as the St. Francis prayer or the Shantideva poem that includes "it is the treasure that lifts us above poverty into the wealth of giving to life...the butter made from the milk of kindness by churning it with the dharma...it is a feast of joy to which all are invited."

   My final meditation practise is 'choiceless awareness of body, mind and world', taught by Krishnamurti-- simply watching as a fascinated and often delighted spectator, with panoramic awareness, the most prominent perceptions that appear and disappear in my consciousness.

    To top it all off, I breathe in love and breathe out love, I speak silent aspirations for the happiness of all beings, I think of all the ordinary and amazing teachers who loved me, and any of their teachings that may come to mind, such as this by Bob Imbrie: "Make each day a work of art, make a work of art of time... Total acceptance of reality makes life a beautiful fairy-tale...Cherish the wild inside you, let the grass grow through you." And other powerhouse words of Jesus, Thakur, the Baal Shem Tov.

       If you wonder where I find the time for all these practices, you are in good company, because I also am amazed that somehow I manage to wander among them every day, often just for a minute or two, but because the universe (and every particle of my being) is probably a hologram, every tiny splinter contains the Oneness of the Without End.

THE BRAIN KEEPS THE SCORE PART TWO 5/17/10 by Margie Nichols (continued apologies to Bessel van der Kolk)

2010-05-17T22:06:00.001-04:00

Let me start Part Two with a personal story that reflects how traumatic memories are stored differently than ‘regular’ memories and how they can be problematic. My story is more dramatic than many, but nevertheless an example of how all trauma works, whether it be chronic moderate abuse in childhood, or the loss of a loved one in a hurricane. I lost my daughter Jesse six years ago on June 2, 2004. She was born on June 6, 1994 and her memorial service was June 6, 2004. You don’t need to have lost a child to know that those anniversary dates are probably more painful than most other times of the year for me- we all intuitively understand the power of implicit, sensory memories. This year was the first year since Jesse died that the dates and days of the week coincide. I’ve found, somewhat to my surprise, that this congruence of date and day of the week lights the old limbic system memory circuits– and the emotional affect associated with them-with more intensity than they’ve been fired with in years. Some days I feel, in a small way, the same way I did back in 2004, when I was in the hospital with a gravely ill child. Because I’ve done a fair amount of work to resolve my trauma, the physical and emotional ‘re-living’ of the original experience usually fires neurons connected to my narrative memory, which is conscious and tells the story of my life. If this DIDN’T happen, I’d feel depressed, anxious, jumpy, and irritable and not know why, or worse, I’d attribute it to something going on in my current life. Instead, I have conscious, vivid memories of that time, and though the sensory re-living isn’t pleasant, it’s not a game-stopper.

You don’t have to have lost a child to have these kind of traumatic events leave ‘hot spots,’ booby-traps in your limbic system. Actually, chronic abuse or neglect in childhood leaves is far more damaging and traumatic than almost anything that happens to us as adults. Even mild to moderate abuse – the impact of years of living with a parent who is prone to raging or may be hypercritical and un-pleasable- leaves deeply wired neuronal networks. When these circuits ‘light up’, we re-live the emotional and sensory parts of these childhood injuries, often without conscious awareness of what is happening to us. And the less conscious we are, the more likely we are to react as we did to our old trauma, or as we wished we had, instead of forming a response based on present-day reality.

So, in Part One I promised to talk about how to ‘fix’ this situation – how to re-wire the brain.

And I will, but first I want to point to my recovery from trauma as an one example (there are many) of a realistic recovery from any trauma, childhood or adult. While my therapy and other personal work has ‘dialed down’ the experience of my loss tremendously, it has not totally erased the implicit memory, and very unusual triggers, like the date/day of the week congruence this year, can still make the old circuits light up . Again, the work I’ve done has re-wired my brain so that the unconscious limbic sense memories are connected to my conscious narrative: I recognize the ‘re-living’ for what it is. And it’s way less intense than it used to be, so the aversive feelings are easier to manage. So I don’t – too often – lash out at a loved one for no reason. I’m more often grumpy, sad, and agitated right now, more than I have been in a long time, which sets me up to be emotionally overreactive. I have to think more before opening my mouth, it takes more effort to be aware of what is a ‘rational’ reaction. But – overall, my recovery has been so much more complete than I ever would have imagined – I feel blessed. It’s definitely been worth the work, and if anything I’ve written so far in Part One or here sounds familiar, I encourage you to avail yourself of the wealth of excellent methods of healing from trauma that are out there.

What’s the work you can do to reduce your hypersensitivity to certain situations or people when that reactivity is based in neuronal networks wired deeply in your limbic system? There are many types of work- body work, spiritual work , physical, nutritional- that can be effective, but here I’m going to confine myself to psychological work, whether through formal therapy or ‘self-help.’

Three key facts about trauma will help you understand. First, not all people will be traumatized by the same events. Two people survive a horrible earthquake, one recovers, the other is fearful for life. Two children are subjected to a contemptuous parent, one is traumatized for life, the other escapes into sports. Key factors are how HELPLESS, HOPELESS, PARALYZED you felt or actually were during the trauma, so children are particularly vulnerable. A second is that the trauma is usually associated with cognitions, thoughts, that represent negative statements about the self, some evaluative (“I’m to blame for this”), some expressing feelings of helpless/hopeless/paralysis. The thoughts, called ‘automatic thoughts’ arise in conjunction with the sensory memories, and become part of the same neuronal network. And third, every time we consciously force ourself to ‘bring up’ a memory, which means activating narrative memory, we store it a little differently. Depending on several factors, which I’ll discuss later, we either blur it around the edges and soften it, or store it with the negative affect intact or even increased.

The techniques that conquer trauma- and I’m talking cognitive-behavioral, psychodynamic, EMDR, hypnosis- all have certain elements in common. (THIS IS BECOMING LONGER THAN I HAD EXPECTED – TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK IN PART THREE)

MEDITATION IS STUPID 5/12/10 by guest contributor Michael O. Selden

2010-05-12T18:43:00.001-04:00

Editor's Note: May is National Masturbation Month, but it also seems to be Meditation Month at "The Growing Mind." Neil Selden has posted a couple of times on meditation recently, I've put up two posts, and now our 'guest contributor' Michael O. Selden writes an in-depth article for those who really want to get into this topic. Don't be deceived by the title.

Meditation is a stupid thing to do. It is mechanistic and unnatural. It would be far better for us simply TO dwell in this moment as it is… unaffected by our biological impulses, UNAFFECTED BY psychological tendencies CAUSED WHEN thoughts come unbidden into our minds and emotions arisE unnoticed. Far better to relate straightforwardly to the integrated interplay of our physical beings - the weight of our bodies… the feel of our skin… the smell of our surroundings… the tastes within our mouths… the colors and textures which dance before our eyes Far better to witness our ever-changing mental states - the subtle currents of joy and sadness which run within us and the quickness of our intellects to apprehend and analyze whatever we encounter. Far better for us to choose, with intention, skill and wisdom, our responses to events which transpire within our field of awareness, rather than reacting with habitual patterns of behavior quite unlikely to embody our highest aspirations of action. It would be far better for us to simply experience Reality directly… in this moment… bare and essential and wondrous in all its aspects.

It is simple to say these things… they are intuitively resonant… yet to accomplish this way of being in the world is the highest calling of humankind. Many people fleetingly glimpse this elusive state… during rare moments when circumstances converge just so and allow for the full experience of the present. When this occurs we feel transported… we realize that we have embodied something which defies our categorizations, something literally impossible to imagine accurately before it has been lived.

The universal human potential to freely dwell within this dimension of pure and undifferentiated being is very real. Yet seldom do we meet people whose lives are characterized by direct and panoramic awareness of the dynamic activity of Reality, who demonstrate the seamless lucidity and existential flexibility which is inherent to and accessible by all human beings. Why is that the case? It is because what we usually perceive to be Reality is in fact an afterimage, a delayed-reaction internal reconstitution of all that we apprehend sensorially; and it is one deeply colored by our subjective and subconscious interpretations.

The normal and healthy pattern of our development as a species is such that as we come into physical and psycho-emotional maturity we develop a set of experiential filters that condition the raw input we receive through our senses from the world around us. These Reality-conditioning filters, which in general comprise what psychologists might call the ego-I identity construct, are characterized by our unique life experiences and have developed over the entire course of our lives, from birth to the present moment. Our experience largely consists of involuntary intellectual, emotional, physical and behavioral reactions to what we perceive - through these filters - to be Reality. Quite literally, we create our own experience of being… in real-time.

How, then, do we become able to subvert the bondage of our conditioning? How do we become able to encounter Reality not as we perceive it to be, involuntarily filtered through the interpretations of our ego-I consciousness, but as it truly is? How do we become able to witness and appreciate the evolutionary gifts of the human bodymind without being made victim by its relentless functioning?

The simple answer is… with practice! We all have the potential to develop the skill of observing our internal experience-conditioning process as it occurs. We can learn to discern conditioned experience from Reality. We can practice seeing… being… what is right here and now! We can all Awaken to the basic truth of present Reality, whatever its form. In so doing we walk a path well-trodden by many others before us, throughout time and across civilizations.

Caution is warranted - the practice and experience of unconditioned Reality does not eliminate pain, either physical or psycho-emotional. It is common to approach walking on the path of the Awakened state of being assuming that our pain will diminish – it will not. In fact, we are forced to engage our many pain-points in ways we never have before. We do not “get” anything out of this work… especially painlessness. Rather, we must let go of all that we have come to cherish – and that hurts. As we release that to which we cleave, however, a unique perspective arises, which may be described as Tranquility. It is not rife with attachment or desire, nor is it so with detachment or aversion. It is profound, and uniquely marked by non-attachment.

With the arising of Tranquility, our need to control what we perceive to be Reality – but have come to accept as a projection of our own mind - is diminished. Our tendency to manipulate the world around us so as to bring about specific facets of experience becomes unbound. Hence, the pain we encounter does not cause us to suffer. This is important! Pain and suffering are not the same thing. Pain is simply pain. It, like pleasure or any other physical or psycho-emotional phenomenon, is transitory. Suffering is what we experience when present Reality conflicts with what we desire to be occurring in its stead. We encounter pain… we create suffering. When we lament the cessation of pleasure, we suffer even in the absence of pain. By learning to encounter life as it is, rather than as we perceive or wish it to be, we alleviate our suffering and the suffering of others.

The practice of Awakening to Reality, then, is the practice of letting go of our attachments and our aversions, our detachment and desires, thereby coming into harmonious engagement with whatever is, in any event, in any moment and in any place. This involves cultivating a field of awareness which allows us to observe as uniquely-conditioned versions of Reality are created. The perspective this yields allows us to then begin choosing how we experience the world and how we behave within it! Ultimately, we must completely penetrate the temporary and illusory figments of mind which we have thus far related to as our basic existential navigation reference point – as our “self”. When this occurs we come to know directly, in a manner not bound by thought, the unity of all that is. By uncovering the illusion of the perceived separate self we come to know the true nature of Reality. Thus does true Insight manifest.

Cultivation of the field of unconditioned experience, devoid of the projections of ego-identity, is the practice of dynamic and lucid meditative awareness… it is the practice of meditation. It does not require one to adhere to a fixed set of preconceived ideas. Instead, it involves free inquiry and direct existential investigation. It may therefore be approached from any religious or spiritual orientation whatsoever - including none at all.

Tranquility and Insight which arise from transformational experiences of the Awakened state of mind must be integrated into daily life - the indivisibility of the Awakened state of mind and mundane everyday existence manifests as "kitchen sink Awakening". Every facet of life is an active expression of Awakening – the intellectual, the emotional, the psychological, the social, the physical, the vocational, the political, the creative, etc. All these aspects form the holistic pattern… the “mandala”… of Awakening. This integration process involves radical and focused engagement with mental structures, as ingrained and habitual, often neurotic psycho-emotional and behavior patterns are identified and intentionally encountered.

The mature expression of Awakening embraces all interactions, with sentient beings and with the so-called "inanimate" world. Spontaneous compassion - accompanied by the wisdom and skill to actualize it appropriately in diverse situations - arises; practice-realization manifests in every activity, moment and place.

So… meditation is a completely stupid thing to do… once we have given rise to panoramic and lucid meditative awareness which permeates our every mind-moment! Until then, meditation is the very practice of life itself… the practice of the full experiential realization of the primal essence of being… of that which permits no duality… that which is empty of individuation. It is the path towards practical accomplishment of a life which indivisibly fuses our perceived mundane existence, marked as it is with inherent impermanence and dissatisfactoriness, with the direct experience of unconditioned, divine Reality.

Or, to put all that drivel somewhat more rhythmically…

The source of thought

Long contemplated

Earnestly sought

Is in an instant unveiled

Unwrought

Tears move at the unity

At embodiment set free

At surprising yet familiar active clarity

Beyond sense and mentality

Lies the dynamically

Empty

Seamless luminosity

Boundless inclusivity

All of sentiency

A singular non-dual multiplicity

Wet laughter at the incongruity

Of individuality

Of separateness fleeting and temporary

Of the subtle pervasive beauty

Obscured by identity

Yet the experience of primal reality

Imparts no permanent equanimity

What arises is the tenuous ability

To be one in the moment with lucidity

To embody subject/object permeability Over time this Way penetrates deeply

We come to clearly see

The power and the subtlety

Of action and action’s legacy

We see the pain and the majesty

Interwoven symbiotically

Throughout the existential tapestry

We engage our vexations more skillfully

And recognize each precious opportunity

To serve another sentient entity

Benevolently

As shocking as the discovery

Of personal divinity

Is the ensuing difficulty

Of awakening continuously

In every activity

Of consciously employing insight carefully

Amidst life’s illusionary

Complexity

Of being… consummately

What an unexpected irony!

Or… better yet… more succinctly…

What's the trick?

Just let go

Moment to moment

Ceaseless flow

Recreational Meditation Part 2: How it Helps 5/8/10 by Margie Nichols

2010-05-08T22:43:00.002-04:00

In Part 1 (posted 4/27), I described myths about meditation – that you have to do it for a pretty long time, that you should have a blank mind, and so on. Here’s why meditating – any form you want – helps you, and a little about which type helps with what issue:

• Relaxation: Meditation is deeply relaxing, with a type of relaxation that often renews you afterwards. It slows down the chattering mind a bit as well as the body. It’s useful just for this. If your main purpose is relaxation, I recommend guided visualization audios, or even just lying down and focusing your attention on meditation music. It has also been shown that after even brief periods of meditation, the “relaxation response” tends to last for hours, fading gradually. This “inoculates” you against stress and emotional over-reaction.

• Improving Concentration: most of the meditation being taught today is a variation of ‘one-pointed focus,’ it involves focusing your attention on a sensation – the sensation of the breath entering and leaving the body is classic, but it could be a visual point, a sound, tactile sensations, a mantra, a candle flame, or counting. You let thoughts go by without hanging on to them or trying to banish them, ‘like clouds across a blue sky’, and when you realize you are distracted you gently bring your attention back to your focal point. There is a ton of research to show that this type of meditation changes a part of the brain that strengthens the ability to concentrate. You strengthen your brain every time your mind wanders, you catch yourself, and bring your attention back. So the wandering mind isn’t a ‘mistake’, it’s a mental push up. If this is what you want, experiment with different ‘one-pointed focus’ meditations. Although people with AD/HD have a really difficult time with this kind of meditation, it also helps them perhaps the most. I recommend really brief periods of this….a minute or two at a time…if it’s hard.

• Learning to be Less Reactive: Meditation slows down the mind, and when that happens you can start to observe a tiny space between a sensation and a reaction. For example, if you do a meditation where you focus on sounds coming into your ears, you may hear unexpected or sudden sounds and be able to notice the sensation of the sound, a space…..and then your reaction of, say, a skipped heart beat or quickened pulse or breath. You start to see the difference between a stimuli point and your reaction to that stimuli. Once stimuli and response have been uncoupled, you can see your own reaction as highly personal and idiosyncratic, sometimes having little to do with the stimuli. And the little ‘space’ gives you the option of choosing if and how to process your reaction. In an experiment in teaching these techniques to NYC school children, a fifth grader definied ‘mindfulness’ as ‘not hitting someone in the mouth.’ Great description of this benefit of meditation.

• Connection to your body and the physical: People who are ‘in their heads’ all the time may benefit from meditations like the body scan that focus attention on physical sensations. This is why yoga works so well for me. Abuse survivors are often disconnected from their bodies, and body-focused meditations may be emotionally difficult at first but ultimately worth the effort.

• Insight: if you are practicing any kind of focused meditation, pay attention not to the many random background thoughts that float across your mind’s sky, but to what really pulls you away. Whenever your mind really wanders you have an opportunity to learn something about yourself, about the things that ‘grab’ your attention in your day to day life. You can also practice labeling the types of thoughts that grab you – ‘planning,’ ‘worry,’ ‘remembering’ – and you can learn to understand the stream of sub-vocal automatic thoughts that play in the back of your head and influence you.

• Self-acceptance: the practice of meditation involves accepting whatever thoughts and feelings that arise in you without getting stuck in them. It involves not judging whatever comes up for you. And believe me, all kinds of petty, embarrassing, even shocking thoughts and feelings WILL arise. Through ‘radical acceptance’…..just letting yourself have the human reactions you have, whatever they are….you start to feel at peace with yourself.

• Healing: most of what I’ve already described IS healing. But in addition, there are many meditations – lovingkindness focused on self, forgiveness, etc., that help you heal inner wounds and develop self-love. I recommend Pema Chodron and Sharon Salzberg for effective self-healing meditations.

Remember – a little meditation is better than none. Any type that grabs you is the BEST type of meditation – for you. Hope this little manual helps

THE BRAIN KEEPS THE SCORE, OR, WHY YOU OVERREACT TO YOUR BOSS/PARTNER/KID/STRANGER IN THE NEXT CAR 5/7/10 by Margie Nichols (apologies to Bessel van der Kolk)

2010-05-07T18:33:00.003-04:00

There is a Buddhist story about a man steering a boat on a river in the early dawn when the river is shrouded in mist. Another boat collides with him, and the driver of the first boat rails at the second boat and its driver, who is obscured by the fog. In a few moments, the mist dissipates….and the second boat is seen to be empty, adrift in the river alone. This story is used as a metaphor for human relationships. We rail at ghosts in the mists, ghosts of our own making.

     Every day I see the evidence in my office: a man describes his road rage, and slowly what emerges is that the rudeness of the other driver triggered the same fear and anger he experienced as a child being berated by a contemptuous father. A woman cowers when her husband scowls, because his facial expression mimics the look that was on her mother’s face just before mom used to terrorize her as a child.

   I’m not really analytic in my therapy approach- but I am a fan of neuroscience, which increasingly gives us explanations for our behavior based in biology, not theory. The more scientists understand the brain, the more we see how much happens outside our conscious awareness and is driven by unconscious brain processes. We are, in effect, often clueless about ourselves.

   We know the neuroscience of emotional reactivity from studies of survivors of serious trauma. These people resemble the rest of us more than we know. Many of walk around having mini-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder attacks every day.

    To understand this, you’ll have to bear with me here for a very stripped-down version of what happens to the traumatized brain. First, we know that memories of emotionally intense experiences actually get stored as distinct ‘parts,’ in different areas of the brain. For example, the limbic system, part of the older ‘emotional brain,’ stores the sensory memories of an event – body sensations, smell, images, sounds, tactile sensations. These memories may themselves be fragmented –sound separated from visual, for example. All the memory fragments in the limbic system are stored as ‘implicit memory,’ or memory that is unconscious most of the time and that can be triggered outside of our conscious awareness. Our cerebral cortex, the newer, ‘thinking brain’, stores the ‘narrative memory’ of the event as explicit, or conscious memory. Narrative memory is basically the story we construct of our own lives, of what has happened to us and why it happened. We know this story and can tell it verbally, and it makes sense to us.

    When something bad happens to us, through telling and re-telling the story, through dreams, we weave together the implicit and explicit elements of the negative event until it fits seamlessly with our ‘narrative,’ and by doing so somehow the negative emotions attached to the experience tend to fade with time, perhaps even disappear. From a neuroscience point of view, the narrative and sensory parts of the memory have become part of one integrated ‘neural network’ and this makes the sensory elements less acute.

   But this doesn’t happen when we are subjected to trauma. When we experience something that is truly horrible, terrifying, unexpected –trauma - our brains are overwhelmed and flooded, and for some reason the narrative memories and implicit memories of the traumatic event get stored in fragmented, unconnected ways. We are unable to ‘process’ the trauma, so the feelings don’t diminish, it is as if the event happened yesterday. Even more problematic, we may be triggered to re-live the emotional part of the trauma without our even realizing we’ve been triggered and without the conscious part of the memory. The classic example is the war veteran who dives under the bed when a car backfires in the street. Her brain and body are still in the war, even though her conscious mind is not.

     The problem is, in some ways we are all war veterans- survivors of the battles of our childhood and adolescence, compounded by difficulties in adulthood. The harsh, critical parent, the bullies at school, the depressed, withdrawn family members who couldn’t give us love or attention – all these are chronic traumas of childhood that that leave seemingly indelible ‘hot spots’ in the brain: unconscious, fragmented, negative memory networks waiting to be triggered. When the neural network is triggered we re-experience the original trauma in a physical, emotional way- but we remain unaware because these sensory memories are disconnected from our conscious memory of the childhood incident(s). If we remain unaware, we blame the trigger for the reaction. So I am enraged at the stupid driver, terrified of my partner’s disapproval, horribly hurt by a friend’s unintentional slight.

    Sometimes when I watch my clients talk about the events in their daily lives to which they overreact, I can almost see the ‘ghosts’ of the children they once were, hovering around. These ghosts need to be put to rest so that we can react appropriately in real-time, not constantly re-live, unconsciously, the pains of our past.

NEXT I’ll offer suggestions for how to do that.   Here's a hint: it starts with noticing that weird uneasy feeling you get sometimes right before or after an emotional blowout...the feeling that tells you that something in your reaction was a little "off." And look for Part 2 of "The Brain Keeps the Score."

INTRO TO MINDFULNESS-BASED, ASSISTED, SELF STUDY by Neil Selden

2010-05-06T17:43:00.001-04:00

“To study the Way is to study the self, to study the self is to forget the self, to forget the self is to be enlightened by all things.” Dogen, zen teacher, 13th Century.

I have known people who lived or are living a life of loving-kindness, compassion, justice, joy and peace—what I consider the molecular structure of happiness-- and have not ever practiced meditation.

Some folks I know and admire have found that meditating put them in touch with too much fear and pain. My wife Lee experienced exactly that, when she began to practice meditation forty years ago, during our sojourn on a Greek island. She did however, much later, find her way into a mantra meditation she finds rewarding. I respect anyone’s decision to forego meditation, temporarily or permanently.

Meditation is clearly not the only way to achieve inner happiness. As a matter of fact, some meditation teachers have said that most mothers do not have to practice meditation, because being a mother IS a meditation. Many mothers, when I tell them that, immediately nod their head in approval.

Meditation may be inappropriate for some people, but for those of us who stick with it in a yogic way (when a few minutes or more of meditation feel good, but then become in any way painful, you stop) meditation can become a joyful liberation from the stressful and seemingly chaotic mind-body-world river of mental images, memories, mental constructions, emotions, physical sensations and societal/earthly happenings. Meditation can become a clear way to inner peace.

Intimacy: What's Love Got to Do With It? 5/3/10 by Sue Menahem, L.C.S.W.

2010-05-03T11:45:00.001-04:00

Fifty bucks on the line. Right here… Right now. You and me. Winner takes all. Ready? Define “intimacy”. And, while you are at it, for another fifty, tell me what it means to be “in love.” How’d you do? Still thinking??? Chances are, you’re reaching into your pocket and getting ready to hand me at least fifty bucks. The concepts of intimacy and especially “in love” are difficult to grasp, yet most of us are either looking for it or being accused of running from it.

To make matters even more complicated, it is more likely that two people in a relationship will have completely different definitions of “in love” and “intimacy”! Although I may be accused of taking the mystery out of love and intimacy, I’m going to simplify the entire matter, making the whole ordeal much more user-friendly.

Most of our love relationships have begun in either one of two ways. The most common brings us to the wonderful world of “infatuation.” We’ve all been there: it’s the classic Tony-meets-Maria-For-The-First-Time scene in West Side Story. There they are, minding their own business. Suddenly, from clear across the room, their eyes meet and lock. Reality begins to fade away. All they can see is each other. They approach one another. The room is spinning around them. Each is consumed by the sight of the other. Tony bursts into song, and the rest is history.

While not as picturesque, the second option is a bit more grounded. You’re in the same class, work for the same company, do volunteer work together, you get to know each other, sparks fly and the rest takes care of itself. Since method number two is a bit more firmly rooted in reality, it has a better shot at turning into a long term relationship. Still, both can lead to “in love” and both require the same ingredients to ensure that the relationship flourishes.

What are these required ingredients? Well, before we get to that, let’s be sure that we’re talking about the same thing when we say “in love.” There are those who believe that “in love” is either an illusion, a bad scene in a movie or something that fades away after a year. While it is true that “in love” is difficult to maintain, it is most certainly attainable.

The two essential elements for “in love” to develop are fairly simple. The first is “positive regard.” This means that you are completely blown away by the other person’s values and by what he or she stands for. It’s not that this person is absolutely flawless. Rather, this person’s values almost completely mirror your own. Moreover, there may be additional aspects of this person’s value system that you thoroughly admire. Because of this you have a great deal of respect for this person and hold him or her in very high esteem.

The other element is a bit more abstract. You simply love who you become when you are together with that other person. We’ve all been there! We become our potential. We become the person we always knew we could be if life and all of its problems hadn’t gotten into our way.

So, let’s assume that we’ve met this wonderful person (either a la Tony and Maria or option number two ... you pick). We feel enormous positive regard and we are blown away by the fabulous human being we’ve become. Then what? What keeps it all together? What’s the mystery ingredient? The chocolate chips in the cookies? The silver lining in that elusive cloud?

Here’s where intimacy comes in. It’s the lubricant that greases the whole machine. Intimacy helps maintain positive regard. If positive regard is lost, “in love” walks right out the door. Intimacy is multi-faceted in that it has many components. These are: honesty and not keeping secrets; shared bonds through common experiences; love and warmth; the freedom to communicate and to give and receive feedback; commitment -- especially if we are enduring a phase in the relationship that is painful or uncomfortable; and the trustworthiness to follow through with what we say we will do.

Moreover, the aspect of trust also says that we will be kind with power. Let’s face it, when somebody exposes the deepest parts of themselves to us, they become extremely vulnerable. This puts us in a position of tremendous power. Using this power as leverage to either get what we want, to get us out of a sticky situation, or to keep us from exposing our own vulnerabilities, squelches any element of intimacy. You simply can’t have an intimate relationship ruled by consequences and power.

Power and vulnerability also comes into play in intimacy’s area of communication. There is always going to be one person in the relationship who is stronger, has a better memory and is better with words. If unchecked, this person will “win” every argument especially if the goal of communication becomes proving that you are right rather than getting to the truth. Sadly, all that really happens in this case is that the person that “lost” the argument once again feels disinclined to communicate with their partner. Communicating again has lead to a loss of self respect as well as a dwindling of positive regard for the other person.

Now that we know all of this, what next? Well, it is rather simple, we put it into practice. We check our levels in each area of intimacy. Let’s face it, you wouldn’t get into your car and start out on a long trip without first checking the levels of various fluids that make the car run. If your car loses oil, water, antifreeze or gasoline, chances are you are not going to make it to point “B”. Each component is as important as the next.

It is the same with the state of your relationship and the components of intimacy. You may be great at communication, but if your trustworthiness is compromised, who cares what you have to say. Your partner may be wonderfully committed to the relationship but if he or she is not giving you feedback and letting you know that he or she is happy and still in love, than how do you really know what’s going on? Each component of intimacy is as important to maintaining that “in love” feeling as the next.

Just for fun, take a look at your previous relationships and try to determine where or when it was that things began to turn sour. In this review, go through the areas of intimacy and see which elements were neglected by either you or your partner. Chances are, intimacy began to dwindle and, as a result, positive regard and respect were lost. With that, “in love” packed its bags and headed for the nearest bus stop.

Putting all of this into practice may seem like a lot of work, but salvaging a relationship after positive regard is lost can be a monumental task. With some practice, these new insights can become second nature and will most certainly enhance the quality of all of your relationships. And what if it doesn’t? Well, that’s simple. I’ll give you back your fifty bucks!

Talkin' Teen Sex Part 2 by Margie Nichols

2010-04-27T18:36:00.003-04:00

Well, it didn't take long for me to nix the Sinclair Institute DVD idea. For one thing, in the atmosphere of hysteria that surrounds anything combining under-age minor and sex in the same sentence in the U.S., the DYFS fear isn't all that paranoid. But, more importantly, I realized that I don't want to inadvertently send a message that I think it's okay for a 12 year old (or 15 year old) to be watching real-life movies of sex acts on anything more than a one-time educational basis. I don't want my ideology to get in front of common sense. Even if I can't ultimately prevent it, I don't want to do anything to encourage viewing porn when the real message I want to be sending is --I'll help you understand sex, but you are too young, too tender, too wounded to be ready for it now. For now, I'm gonna become an expert on really good books and DVD's about sex for teens. And try to keep that conversation coming, try to stay one beat ahead of my daughter's challenges.

But even as I make this decision, I'm so upset that I have to, that after all these years it is still difficult to be an adolescent girl and deal with your sexuality.

RECREATIONAL MEDITATION 4/27/10 by Margie Nichols

2010-04-27T11:09:00.004-04:00

If you pay attention to psychology news or self-help articles, you’ve been inundated by the news of the healing and brain strengthening powers of ‘mindfulness meditation.’ Despite this, I haven’t noticed a huge increase in the number of people who actually DO meditation on a regular basis. I think there are several reasons for this:

• The popular conception of meditation is that it is boring, difficult, and a lot of work.
• “Mindfulness meditation” is being touted as the be-all/end-all of practices, when it may be the hardest type to master
• People confuse the 'relaxation response' with common views of 'relaxing' – hey, why not just watch TV?

I’m a dilettante meditator who has been practicing…..as opposed to mastering…..meditation off and on since 1986. I have a few thoughts about why it’s a good thing to do and how to develop a meditation habit.

FIRST - what is meditation and the 'relaxation response', anyway?

Forty years ago the Harvard cardiologist Herbert Benson discovered that meditation triggers what he called the ‘relaxation response’ in the body. The relaxation response is the OPPOSITE of the physically taxing 'stress response,' or 'fight or flight response.' Benson studied various types of meditation and isolated these common characteristics: a slowed-down pace, repetitive actions (e.g.,following the breath), and an ongoing effort to stay focused on the physical here-and-now that involves gently bringing the attention away from wanderings of the mind. MEDITATIONS THAT INVOLVE MOVEMENT – yoga, tai chi, even knitting or working in your garden if it’s done with a particular – are just as good as classic ‘sitting’ meditations. And the ‘relaxation response’ really IS different from just vegging on the couch.

SECOND - why it’s not as hard to do as you think.

• Ignore anyone who tells you that you have to meditate for a particular length of time. Two minutes is fine, if doing more than two feels like work. OF COURSE you usually get more benefit from a longer time, but for some of us two minutes is about all we can tolerate. I’m too hyper to sit still for more than a few minutes even now, unless I’m in a group meditation setting or listening to an audio guided meditation.

• Meditation is not about ‘emptying your mind.’ Most of us have pretty crowded, chaotic minds, and when we meditate the moments when there seem to be no thoughts at all are fleeting. Not only is this an unrealistic goal, it’s not really important. The main benefit of meditation is NOT an ‘empty mind.’ Meditation that involves visualizing something – like self-healing, for example – is really useful, and it involves not ‘emptying your mind,’ but rather replacing negative thought patterns with helpful ones.

• Meditation is supposed to FEEL GOOD. If moving meditations feel good to you, do them; if guided visualizations soothe you, do that; if following the breath calms you and leaves you feeling refreshed and centered, do that. You probably should try a lot of different meditations before you settle on which ones are best for you.

So the secret to success is: explore lots of different kinds of meditation and do what makes you feel good, and then do it for only as long as is comfortable. Be easy on yourself. You won’t do it if it’s not enjoyable. I recommend you sample the wide range of audio guided mediations. You can find them at SoundsTrue.com, Amazon.com, and other sites. Attend group meditations and meditation workshops if they are accessible to you, go to a yoga or a tai chi class and try it out. UCLA has free downloads of BRIEF meditations you can sample online. (Next week I’ll write more about the BENEFITS OF MEDITATION).

UCLA FREE MEDITATION DOWNLOADS

Talkin' Teen Sex Blues 4/27/10 by Margie Nichols

2010-04-27T08:58:00.004-04:00

The Guttmacher Institute tells us that 13% of teens have had sexual intercourse by age 15, and that by age 18 nearly 60% have. At my sex therapy and research conference two weeks ago Surgeon General Dr. Jocelyn Elders told us that after a number of years of decline, teen pregnancy is beginning to rise again. And every media venue possible assaults us with news of changes in adolescent sexual mores, from 'hooking up' to'sexting,' 'friends with benefits' to 'oral sex is the new third base.'

Depending on your perspective, these facts are interesting, alarming, signs of decadence or signs of the failure of 'abstinence only' sex ed.

But if you are the mother of teenage girls, you have a VERY different take on things. You know deep inside you that your job is to get your girls to postpone sex for as long as possible, preferably age 30, you know that is impossible, you worry constantly. Until recently, my only experience with adolescence was raising my now 26 yr old son. Then, four and a half years ago I adopted a pair of sisters from a Guatemalan orphanage. They are now 15 and 12, and even the twelve year old is definitely pubescent.

Being my son's mom did very little to prepare me for this. For one thing, although I worried about lots with my wild-child son, I never worried about rape. I didn't worry about him having his heart broken by someone who used him for sex, and I wasn't concerned that he suffer the shame of being labeled 'slut.' Fretting about your son getting a girl pregnant wasn't even on the same order of magnitude as waking up in the middle of the night thinking about a pregnant daughter. Oh, and btw - 'oral sex among teens' is a euphemism - we're really talking about adolescent girls giving blow jobs.

But it's not all bad. Cory and I had basically monosyllabic communication from when he was about 12 until he went to college. My girls talk - and ask questions - about everything. These are some of their recent dinner-table comments and questions:
"My friend wants to know if you can get pregnant by having sex with your clothes on."
"The girls in my class aren't having sex. They're just giving hand jobs and going down on boys."
"Is it true that when you have sex for the first time you bleed?"
"Is sex painful?"

When sex talk starts, I take a deep breath, remind myself to be thankful that they feel trusting enough to say things to me and ask questions - and then the conflict between the 'Mom' and 'Sex therapist' part of me begins. Because I've spent my life championing sex positivity, and especially the idea of girls and women being empowered about sex and focusing on their own needs - including the need for pleasure.

So this leads me to my current dilemma. Because of their background, these girls have never even seen a naked man. I of course have a ton of sex educational books and materials with pictures - but they want to know how sex is DONE. They want to SEE it. Youtube doesn't have pornography - but they are Internet-savvy and it's only a matter of time before someone shows them how to access porn online, NetNannies notwithstanding.

So - I see pornography as a First Amendment issue and as something that can have value. But do I really want my children's first depictions of sex acts to be from porn? With Cory it was moot - by the time he was twelve he'd obtained sex magazines and videos from other boys, the Internet was in its infancy.

But now I have an option. So I'm thinking I'll give them - no, WATCH with them - a DVD from the Sinclair Institute, a sex-educator owned organization that sells explicit movies intended to educate adults, not titillate them (tho they do that as well sometimes). These DVD's are tasteful, informative, and show consenting adults mutually pleasuring each other in tender and loving ways. Can I do this? Can I get past nightmare images of DYFS hauling me away for endangering the morals of minors? Am I allowed to educate my own kids in ways that involve more than drawings and talk?

Fortunately, I have a few days to mull this over, because the DVD's are at my office, not at home. Stay tuned for more.

POSITIVELY RIDICULOUS by Margie Nichols

2010-04-25T01:54:00.006-04:00

There's a word for constant, unmitigated happiness about your life: denial.
Barbara Ehrenreich skewers the positive psychology field in her new book "Bright Sided." It's about time. First of all, it's become a veritable industry, with top motivational speakers making tens of thousands of dollars and books on 'happiness research' flying off the shelves. The message of this research, some of which is quite solid and interesting, has become diluted down to: smile, be happy, and you'll be healthier and have your dream life. But the research itself is more nuanced and ambiguous- for example, some 'negative' people are actually healthier than optimists. Let's face it, at times pessimism is a more appropriate view of life. The skill is to learn to cope with life's curve balls without melting down, not to look the other way in ignorance.

More support for the nuanced view of 'positive thinking' comes from research reported in this month's issue of Psychology Today (sorry folks, the actual paper magazine, not online yet). This study correlated scores on a test measuring trust in people with household income. Turns out there's an optimal level of trust: too little and you miss opportunities because you mistrust everyone, too much and you're a sucker.

Positive psychology needs to go back to the drawing board. Life just isn't so simple that wearing a 'happy face' will solve your problems. Maybe it's just my New York point of view, but don't you find constantly cheerful people annoying, anyway? One of my favorite websites is Despair.com, which lampoons positive psychology with 'demotivational' posters and t-shirts with slogans like this one:

DEFEAT: For every winner, there are dozens of losers. Odds are you're one of them.

My argueably twisted mind finds this -positively hilarious.

MEDITATION by Neil Selden

2010-04-23T09:17:00.020-04:00

VISUALIZING LOVE by Neil Selden 4/10

Talk about the power of visualization!

Yearning for the warming and healing presence of all the darlings we know and love, and all the darlings we may never know but wish to love, and so grateful for the yearning...

Here's a recent emanation from my ruminations about how I would do my days if I am ever completely unwanted, homeless, and using my years of so-called spiritual practice to find loving kindness, compassion, joy and peace, as I sit with my meager belongings in a small pack or bag, in some park or train station, do all my meditations, smiling, laughing and singing and dancing inside, sending visualized hugs and kisses and blessings and thanksgiving to everyone I have every known and loved, and those I may never know, but wish to love-- and creating, creating, creating (my beloved collaborator/role model/brother-in-law Bob Imbrie taught me that our mission is to love and create-- ergo, in the park, on a wooden bench, I ask myself, what is the first word of a new poem? Any word may do... 'Beginning' is the word that comes to me, and the rest follows effortlessly:

Beginning nothing,

REALLY? WE'RE STILL DISCUSSING THIS? by Margie Nichols

2010-04-23T09:02:00.007-04:00

Our colleague James Cantor, Ph.D., published a CNN article showing physiological evidence that gay men are not pedophiles. He pointed to differences in brain structure, and differences in "phallometric" response (that's right, a 'peter meter'). Gay men's brains look like those of straight men; both differ from the pedophiles brain in some distinct ways. And straight and gay men alike have very little phallometric response to images of children, in contrast with child molesters. Cantor wrote this article at the request of CNN and of course because the Catholic Church is trying to blame gays for the horrible child abuse perpetrated by it's priests.

But what saddens me about this is that we still have to refute such claims. Images of sleazy men in raincoats lurking around school yards were what came to mind when you thought about homosexuality - in the 50's. Sixty years later, we have science to argue against this belief, not just Cantor's research but a ton of research documenting very clearly that are pedophiles aren't gay and vice versa. I'm glad we have a mountain of research. I'm sorry we still need it.

SEX AND LIES: The Truth About Sexual Fantasies by Margie Nichols

2010-04-23T08:56:00.002-04:00

Two weeks ago I was at a sex research and therapy conference where multiple speakers extolled the virtues of sexual fantasy - not just for masturbation, but during sex with a partner, shared or not shared with partner.

Yesterday in my therapy office I heard yet another distressed woman 'confess' that she always fantasized just before orgasm with a partner to get herself over that last little 'hump.' She felt terribly guilty that she was not 'connected' to her spouse during sex, whom she loves dearly.
Someday people are going to look back at the way most people view sexual fantasies now and regard it at about the same level as the belief that masturbation grows hair on your hands.

That day is not today.

The two most common issues I hear are: guilt about content; and guilt about fantasies that aren't about partner and/or guilt about fantasizing during sex with partner.

Guilt about content warrants several blogs on it's own, but for now let me say a couple of things for those of you who feel guilty about 'rape' fantasies, fetishistic fantasies, group sex fantasies, and the like. First, you have about the same control over WHAT turns you on as you have over WHO turns you on. Which is to say not much. Second, repression is a crude mental tool. If you work too hard to repress a desire, it tends to either AMPLIFY the desire or repress ALL desire. Take home? Learn to love your fantasies. They are your friends, they expand your sexuality. Besides, there is a weak correlation between fantasy and behavior. Sometimes you would REALLY get off if you enacted your sexual fantasy and sometimes it would be a disaster you would never dream of attempting. Most important: try to appreciate what how lucky you are to fantasize. Not everyone is capable of this wonderful, free sexual enhancer.

How about feeling guilty because you have sexual fantasies while you are having partner sex? The belief that one should be intimately connected to one's partner during every moment of partner sex is an antiquated, destructive idea. Get rid of it, along with the belief that coming at the same time means anything at all. Sure, sex involves intimacy, connection, love, respect, blah blah blah. It also involves sweat and lust and transgession and slimy fluids and grunting and yelling and, in the end, an exquisite selfishness. Orgasm is often - not always - about transcending ego, body, and ordinary consciousness and .....it's about pleasure.

Sharing that experience with your partner is the intimacy, helping your partner have this kind of joy and fun, that is the connection. Intimacy doesn't mean staring into each other's eyes all the time but it might mean being generous in giving your partner sexual pleasure.....and that can include fantasy. I'm all for tantric sex and two souls uniting but......it's not required and it's not for everyone. Believe me, I see more couples with joyless, perfunctory sex than I can count. A zesty, robust sex life, no matter how it's attained, is a gift to a relationship. For most people in relationships, sometimes the earth moves and sometimes it's a maintenance orgasm or a favor to your partner. And if fantasy helps - lucky you that you have it to use!

OUR FIRST POST by Margie Nichols, Ph.D./Director

2010-04-19T16:53:00.003-04:00

We're off to a good start. I'll be writing on "GROWING MIND" about general issues of psychology, mental health, or human nature, and other IPG people will be "Guest Authors." Our resident Guru, Neil Selden, is posting his poetry, meditations and pearls of wisdom on 'PIECES OF MY HEART' The wise and funny Sue Menahem will blog on "THE L WORD" about....you'll figure it out. And many of us will be writing on "ALTERNATIVE THOUGHTS", focusing on issues of interest to the L/G/B/T, kink, and poly communities.