STILL SEVEN AFTER ALL THESE YEARS 11.18.10 by Susan Menahem, L.C.S.W.

     When I was growing up, my sisters and I were expected to clean off the table and do the dishes after every night after dinner. Preferring anything to cleaning up dishes, I used to fake stomach aches after every big meal and headed to the bathroom as soon as the last person finished the last bite. I occupied my time reading shampoo bottles until I heard the liberating sound of the dishwasher hum – which meant the kitchen was clean and I could once again rejoin society! This strategy proved to be wildly successful until my parents became concerned about my lack of digestive abilities and took me to the doctor where I wound up confessing in the car on the way to the appointment. Cleaning dishes was one thing but going to a doctor’s appointment was something else! I was forced to choose the lesser of two evils.


    Today, when we get together for holidays and special occasions, since even the nieces and nephews are almost adults, the women do all the cooking, preparing, and cleaning while the men do all the eating, sitting and TV watching. That equation used to bother me until I realized that the women were actually having more fun! And, although cleaning up dishes is still not my favorite activity, for as long as I can remember, I’ve brought along my own apron to family dinners and have taken my place in the kitchen, along side the rest of the woman, happily sharing in family gossip.

     My own apron and all and still it never fails! After almost 40 years, inevitably at the conclusion of every family dinner, someone will tease “Where’s Susan?? Has anybody checked the bathroom??” And everybody will laugh. Where is Susan you ask?? Most often she’s standing at the kitchen sink clad in her very own apron and up to her elbows in soap suds!!! A few months ago the question came from my 22 year old niece who wasn’t even alive when I was 7 and faking stomach aches!!!!

     I used to wonder how many years had to pass before I would get the benefit of the doubt of adulthood and responsibility. Then I realized that I probably never will get that benefit. There’s a tremendous family investment in each person staying in their assigned role so that other family members know where they stand and what’s expected of them. If you were a screw up, a goody-goody, mom’s favorite or the family con-artist chances are there will always be reference to it when it’s family get together time.

     We make our changes to make our lives easier and to better ourselves as human beings. We may never get the family validation for our self improvements but that doesn’t mean we can’t own them and be proud of them. Additionally, when we are around family, we can’t allow old patterns to re-emerge simply because some family members continue to see us in a certain way.

     With the holidays rapidly approaching, and family gatherings planning their way onto our personal calendars we will all inevitably hear a reference to some previous incarnation of our former selves. Rather than getting upset and taking it personally, when your turn comes, smile to yourself and think of me standing at the kitchen sink, soap bubbles in my hair while my nephew’s current girlfriend asks “So where’s Aunt Susan? Has anyone checked the bathroom?”