Oh no no no no no! She did not just say that!
Sitting across the table from me, in our favorite restaurant, was my very best friend proclaiming in all seriousness, that the fact that she was having an affair and cheating on her partner of 5 years had “just happened.”
Was she the idiot or did she think I was?? I tried to think of any other thing that “just happens”. Magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat? Check back stage and you’ll discover the cage where said rabbit resided just a few short moments ago. Driving through a stop sign? Try telling the police officer that “just happened” and I guarantee you’re driving away with a ticket. Sorry but things don’t have a way of just happening without our intervention or assistance.
She wanted my support – which I said she had. She wanted my advice – which there is never a shortage of and certainly there was that part of her that was testing out her “just happening” theory to see if I would buy it thereby making it adequate for the upcoming conversation with her partner. That one, she did not get.
On my way home I began to think about the series of very conscious choices that have to be made in order to get an affair to “just happen.” Perhaps it begins innocently by catching someone’s eye. Then 1) the look lasts just a bit too long. 2) The decision to walk over. 3) A seemingly innocent conversation that includes a touch on an arm that lasts a second longer than it should. 4) The exchange of a business card 5) Finding some business-like reason to send an email 6) Three email exchanges into it the topics become a bit personal. 7) Conversations meander their way to the telephone 8) Meeting for coffee, lunch, or dinner 9) Telling your partner this new person is “just a friend” 10) A bottle of wine 11) Lingering goodbyes 12) A long anticipated kiss 13) And the rest is history.
The motivation to go from one bad choice to the next is anybody’s guess but the reason is always the same. Affairs are the result of something lacking in the current relationship. Rather than dealing with the issues within the current relationship, an affair provides excitement, it usually supplies the missing piece and if nothing else, it’s a great distraction.
Oddly enough the discovery of an affair eventually leads to resolution within the existing relationship. After the explosion and once the dust settles, the couple is faced with one of two options. Either they choose to deal with the issues within the relationship along with the added bonus of repairing the areas that were destroyed by the affair or they’ll end the relationship and whatever positive things the couple has shared will be clouded by betrayal, anger, deceit and bitterness.
My opinion? Simple. Don’t put off dealing with what isn’t working within your relationship, finish what you started before beginning something new and never ever fool yourself into believing or expect your partner to believe that “it just happened!”
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